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Friday, 30 September 2005

Kate Bush has been dating a swan for the past six months reveals brother Paddy

Hi Swipesters,

We're just hearing news that eccentric English pop diva Kate Bush has been living with a seven foot swan for the past 6 months. Questioned outside Bush's private studio, Kate's brother Paddy was unable to deny the reports, thus feeding a worldwide rumour-clasm among Bush fans eagerly awaiting her first LP release in over three decades.

"Kate's always been odd", admitted Paddy, " and it's true that she's recently attempted to stop anglers from using the stretch of river near the island on the Thames on which she is now resident. However, I am not saying that this has anything to do with the fact that Steve...I mean the hypothetical swan is fearful of swallowing lead shot from their fishing weights, absolutely not - I never said that. Obviously this would be a terrible problem if there were a large swan cohabiting with Katie as they can choke on the blighters when they're feeding. But how you can jump from Kate's legitimate concerns for the local birdlife to thinking she's been having it away with a large waterfowl called Steve, I really do not know."

Kate Bush, in full Lionheart regalia, administers relief to Steve the Swan.

Kate's new album "Aerial" is released next month and the new single, "King of the Mountain" features a cover of an as yet un-named T-Rex song...

Love on y'all,


Let's hear it for AOL Recherche - THE best online search resource in the world!! you think it's Kate checking out the fall-out from the Hayton/pecking incident?

Could be - I'm gettin' a LOTTA hits....

Love on y'all,


Sir Harrison Birtwistle's Indispensable Guide to Contemporary Music

This week: Franz Ferdinand

How do,

As thee know, I'm not one t'shy away from plain speakin', me. I'm an Accrington born laddie and proud o't and uz doesn't care t'mince uz words. I like t'shoot from t'hip, does I. Thee'll get none o' yon meally mouthed blatherin' and a-mitherin' from this un. None o't'pompous peregrinations and regurgitated bourgeoise platitudes of yon poncy, la-di-da NME journalists from this un, thee can count on't. No, I speaks as I find me, calls a spade a spade and if tha doesn't like it, tha's can take a flamin' hike and take tha beggarin' wife with ee!

Anyroad, this week I've listened to yon Franz Ferdinand and, if thee wants t'truth, I'll give it thee straight, no beatin' round t'bush: Thez are a shower o' feckin' shite if ever I did hear't. What a flamin' racket! Never heard such a pathetic heap of codswallop since uz did t'first run through of t'Orestia at t'flamin' Festival Hall with yon twatting one-armed conductor. Cacophony? I'll give thee bloody cacophony. I've heard more sense comin' out me own arse after one of t'wife's stout and mushy pea pies than out of yon singer's bloody gob. Thez make t'bleedin' Gang o' Four sound like t'Nolans and no mistake. By heck, I'm not kiddin' ye - I'd rather eat uz own shite than have t'put up wi' yon caterwaulin' again. And jest t'put t'bloody silk cap on't, yon singer's one o' them fancy bleedin' Southerner Guardian columnists an' all. Bunch of pooves thez are, and no mistake. Tha'll not get this un wi' uz back to 'em for a kick off, I can tell thee.

Happen as like yon young uns'll go doolally o'er it but if tha asks me, Franz Ferdinand? Thez nowt but a bollockin' pile of old shite.

Now, get away with thee before I teks uz bloody belt to thee,


Marion Mason - an apology

Howdy Swipesters!

Well, old big mouth, fast talkin' Bob's gone and done it again! There was I casting aspersions about the betrothed of the love of my life, when all the time it turns out I'd just caught the poor old soak on a no make up/bad hair day! Apologies to Mr. Mason for any inconvenience or embarrassment this may have caused. To attempt, however vainly to alleviate your suffering, Marion, here's a much nicer photo of you in your prime:

There, the scales have fallen from my eyes - I can now see why the lovely Dita

thought she'd gotten herself such a catch. In fact, I've kinda taken a shine to him myself!

So, look out Missy! You just went and got yourself some serious competition!!

Love on y'all,

Roberta Cecilia Swipe

Thursday, 29 September 2005

Check out the burlesque fire eater!!

Nothing beats fifty hot violent, rollergirls wearing your logo on their ass.

You said it Molly!!

Love on y'all,


It's Official: Kelly urges Jamie Oliver ban


Grim reading in this morning's Britisher Grauniad. Education Minstrel and Opus Dei sect Catholic mentalist, Reeeeeeeuuuggghhth Kelly is urging the cabinet to approve a plan which would see Celebrity chef and irritating advertaholic, Jamie Oliver banned from British schools. Oliver's offensive anti-crap food campiagn has seen many schools taking extreme action to improve the diet of their obscenely obese and perpetually hoodied pupils - sometimes even going so far as cooking fresh food instead of reheating the slug-infested slops from the beginning of term for the four hundred and fiftieth time. Worse still, Oliver's terrorist tactics and general rebel-rousing have led many schools, fearful of reprisals from the amiable cockney chef, to consider removing the vending machines and gambling facilities they provide for their drug-crazed, zombie-like pupils. Whilst many concede the obvious health benefits of these moves, there are worries that removing valuable sources of revenue such as cigarette machines, off-licences, drugs, fruit machines, firearms sales, protection money scams and other forms of racketeering, schools will soon be unable to afford to provide teachers and equipment to distract their collosally disgusting charges from the orgy of crime and gluttony that makes up the bulk of their school day.

In a strongly worded statement to the Labour Party Conference, Reeeeuuuuggghth Kelly will today spell out the government's position in the strongest possible fashion: "When I was at school, nobody would speak to me because I was a puritanical swot who always had her head in a book and was so scared of not getting ahead in the outside world that I completely neglected the fun aspects of school. Because of this, I will be using my current position of power to revenge myself upon future generations of schoolkids in an act of ghastly projection and infantile mean spiritedness. Besides, if they're that desperate to have a good time, they should go to the boozer like everybody else. They'll be open all hours for all-day binge drinking soon enough. Although they won't be able to smoke there, obviously."

Among other areas expected to become subject to outright bans are: British Bulldog, giving people the 'bumps', dousing the heads of first years in the lavatory bowl, putting live fish down the y-fronts of the weakest child in the form, daubing red paint onto cotton wool and putting it in girly's handbags so they'll think someone's lobbed a tammy in there and gang warfare involving knives and small firearms. Sweet eating and swapping bubblegum cards will lead to instant dismissal from schools whilst there will be banning orders for hopscotch, kiss chase and stomping around the playground in a huge line chanting "who wants to play, WWWWAAAAA-AAAARRRRR? for hours on end.

Keep up the good work Reeeeeeuuuuuughth!

Love on y'all,


Harrison Birtwistle's Indispensable Guide to Contemporary British Music

This week: Drum 'n' bass

How do,

As ye know, I'm a plain speakin', Accrington born laddie me and I doesn't care to mince uz words. Ye'll get none o' the sort o' fancy Dan fripperies ye would from yon poncy Southern Music critics from this un. (Most of 'em are right bloody pooves an' all, like as not). No, I speak as I find me, call a spade a spade and if ye don't like it, happen as like ye'll know where tha's can shove it!

Anyroad, this week I've listened to yon Drum 'n' bass music and quite frankly, if ye want t'truth, I'll give it ee straight: I've never heard such a flamin' racket in all uz born days. It's bloody murder on tha' eardrums - worse than bloody Peter Maxwell Davis (if ye can believe that!) I was fair near tearin' uz ears off after the first couple or three bars, it were such a cacophony. Tuneless bloody racket it is, I'm not kiddin' ye. Happen as like yon young uns'll go doolally o'er it but if y'ask me, it's nowt but a bollockin' pile of old shite.

Let's be havin ye,


Wednesday, 28 September 2005

Check me out while I'm still up there - wow, I never knew fame could be such a goddamn turnon!!!

...also, check out Eilert Pilarm, the Swedish Elvis impersonator right at the bottom of the multimedia section - he rilly rerks!!

Oh, and April, if you're tuning in - good luck with the "radio-activity" - oh, and by the further way: nice pins!!

Love on y'all,



A fan remembers:

..."I first saw him on a kids’ TV programme called Lift Off, presented by Ayshea Brough and featuring a live performance by David Bowie. June 15th 1972 I believe. I’ll never forget the moment my friendly little mate Dave left the screen and on came this… thing with his weird mates. I was absolutely gob-smacked. My gran was shouting insults at the TV (which she usually saved for Labour Party Political Broadcasts), and I just sat there agog. I was experiencing a life-changing moment. I know it sounds ridiculous - but it really did knock me for six. It was three weeks later when he popped up again on Top Of The Pops…and for the second time in my life I was transfixed by an owl puppet in a quilted jump-suit and red leather boxers boots! There’s no doubt that Ollie’s appearance on Top Of The Pops was a pivotal moment in British musical history. Like the Sex Pistols at the Lesser Free Trade Hall in Manchester in ’76 - his performance lit the touchpaper for thousands of kids who up till then had struggled to find a catalyst for their lives."

"Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your beak..."
Ollie with Woody Woodmansey after that seminal "Lift Off" performance.

Love on y'all,


Those of you who think I was making up the bit about BBC TV presenter Kate Silverton turning into Ollie Beak.....

...explain THIS!!

Love on y'all, (indignantly...)


Sylvia Hardy: The Last of England

Hi Swipesters,

Would whoever ruined Sylvia's brave and laudable protest campaign by paying her iniquitously high Council Tax Bill please contact me here at Swipe Towers as a matter of some urgency, please?

I currently have £7,547.68 outstanding on my Visa card and , unlike Slyvia, I just don't think I could do the stretch.

(Certainly not dressed like this)

Keep up the good work, Sylv! We shall overcome!!!!

Love on y'all,


Would that be as in "the vessel with the pestle is the brew that is true..."?

"....what are we gonna do now? ....what are we gonna do now?..." etc. etc.

Love on y'all,


D.v.T Sufferers - there is hope!

Yodel-doo-di Swipesters!

Well, the spring is back in my step, I'm pleased to say. After yesterday's shock I am feeling a bit more positive about the whole thing. I'm still confident that I can win over the woman I love

especially as she will just have taken receipt of the specially crafted stuffed Owl and comedy lion I posted out to her yesterday.

The owl was apparently found in a barn near BBC Television Centre, and was stuffed whilst still alive, for extra freshness. Jeez, that must take some professionalism, right?

That and the news that doctors can not only offer diagnostics, but also almelioarative measures to help those suffering from DvT has put a new spring in my step.

As you've probably already guessed, I have already put in a bulk order for some Compression Stockings

Well, you can't be too careful, can you?

Now, where's that Mandarin Duck got to - I hate those guys - so mobile!

Love on y'all,


Tuesday, 27 September 2005

A Round with Alice! Lesson 6 - The Wood.

Hi! I'm Rock star and celebrity golfer Alice Cooper.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be showing you how to really get that handicap down next time your on the links - and hopefully, causing a bit of a stir in the 19th hole while you're about it!

This week, I want to talk you through the big Daddy of the clubs: the wood drive.

Now obviously, a hefty club like this needs a steady hand. Sure, you can give it all the power you like, but if you don't have the accuracy, you're gonna be giving those pink go-go boots a bit of a dousing every time you sky a ball to the lakes!

So I always try to aim for control when I tee off with this baby. Some people say I'm just an old traditionalist to stick with my wood when there are so many decent irons I could use. They may have a point. I'd just add that nothing beats the woody when it comes to bludgeoning a ferret to a bloody pulp in my controversial shock horror stage show!



Dita - the other man


It is with heavy heart that I have to report that the love of my love is intended for another. Yep, that's right, Dita is betrothed and the nuptuals are already at the advanced planning stage. I'm bereft, of course, but get this - the guy she's picked is like a total minger!

How can this be happening?

Still, fear not Swipesters! It takes more than a gift of a dead swan and a face like a bashed pram to come between Bob Swipe and his Sugar Mama! I will not give up on my quest to win fair maiden. You haven't seen the last of this 7 feet 3 inches of loaded love pumping action, no sirree Bob Mr. Marion Mason.

The gloves are coming off and the latex is going on! You want weird missy - I'll give ya weird!!

Let's see how you do up against a REAL MAN, Mr. Mason!"!!

Right, where's that Canada goose we were saving for Thanksgiving and my yellow marigolds?......

Love on ya, ya saucy minx!

Roberta Cecilia Swipe!!!!

Silverton versus Hayton - the feathers fly!

What ho Swipesters!

Sad news reaches us here at Swipe Towers of the departure of veteran BBC newscaster Philip Hayton after an alleged bust up with Swipe Show favourite, Kate Silverton. Hayton's departure is expected to lead to a serious investigation by BBC bigwigs of supposedly falling standards in the ranks of the Corporation's presenters. "It's one thing working with a knockout bird with a lovely smile and delectably squeezable baps", said Hayton who has worked at the BBC, man and boy, for 37 years, "but when they start asking viewers to "look at the old score board" and tell them they "get nothing for a pear on this show", you start to seriously question the journalistic standards being brought to bear on what is, let's face it, a job that requires a fair degree of rigour and analytical prowess".

Kate Silverton has denied aiming a custard pie at Hayton in the middle of a serious bulletin on the Asian tsunami, claiming "Oh no I didn't". When it was put to her that perhaps she had indeed been behind the pie lobbing incident the former bunny girl

and associate of TV wunderkind Matthew Wright is alleged to have retorted, "he's behind you" and stuck her tongue out repeatedly whilst pulling up her skirt and tripping over her over-sized comic boots.

Details of the pair's latest falling out are sketchy, but it is believed that Silverton, whose own recent travails have been well documented here, swooped down on Hayton in a nocturnal raid, carrying him off to her nest in a nearby barn where she is thought to have repeatedly pecked him, tearing away the flesh from his carcass leaving nothing behind but a horrible mess of skin and bone.

In an unrelated report, the BBC has revealed that it will be replacing its early morning news bulletins with a relaunched Generation game to be hosted by Dermot Murnaghan and Natasha Kaplinsky.

Love on y'all,


Monday, 26 September 2005

Dita - it's love!

Howdy Doody Swipesters!

Ah, the crisp air, the blue skies, the flowers and the trees....the birds and the bees. Why do I feel like skipping? Is it the onset of the Labour party conference? Or the imminent mauling of an underage Arsenal XI at the Amsterdam Arena? Or is it something ineffable that makes my heart skip so and my undercarriage bulge like there's a demented badger down there trying to get out? Well, the answer is simple. Two syllables, no more. What else can I say?


Ahhhhhhh. Dita......

I think it's love.

Dita, call me if you feel the same way too. I can help you unpick some of those awkward, old style fasteners. I'm an expert. It's these small fingers. I used to be a child locksmith before the drink and drugs and hard core yodelling led me to a life of degenerate journalism. I was good, too. They used to call me Lightning Fingered Bob. You wanna see me peel a hard boiled egg - blink and you'll miss it. Need I say any more? OK, I'm hung like a horse if that helps.

OK, Call me - these callouses are getting too much. And thy're affwerecting m,y typinghh twoooh...

Love pouring out on ya,


Anyone considering doing a spot of early Christmas shopping, please click here.

....I'd like as many pairs as you can afford please.

......"some wear and tear may occur...."

Dang it! - I need the bathroom ..AGAIN..."

Love on ya,


A round with Alice

Friday, 23 September 2005

Yoga made simple with GMTV weather girl, Clare Nasir! - Lesson 1,340

"The Winkle Picker"

Clare says:

"This one will really tone up the old Maximus Gluteus. I find sniffing the floor really helps to get me in the zone and once I'm fully concentrating, I can get more clench per ounce. Be careful not to clench too hard though. As you can see, what goes up, doesn't necessarily come down..... Good job I had a very good friend on hand to help out!"

Love on y'all,


Yoga made simple with GMTV weather girl, Clare Nasir! - Lesson 53

"The Aaaaaaagh Shove It Where the Sun Don't Shine"

Clare says:

"One of my favourites. I can stay like this for hours. It's great for those belly muscles too. But be warned! Be on the lookout for people coming up behind you. They have been known to get stuck!!"

Love on y'all,


Bizarre and Scary Morphing Photograph of Zoe Telford

I don't know about you, but it scared the sh*t out of me. What has she done to her hair??

Zoe, if you're out there, give me a call.


Love on y'all,


Oliver Reed: "Too pissed to be a revolutionary"

FBI files released today suggest that, despite the attention lavished on him by the Security Services in the 70's, British actor and drunken arse, Oliver Reed was never a threat to the US. The previously top secret files, made public now for the first time thanks to American Freedom of Information legislation, reveal the late British star to have been frequently incapacitated by alcohol, often in a state of drooling, supine, vomit encrusted inertia - hardly the sort of threat to US hegemony and the world order that he was often painted as being by his enemies in the agencies.

British socialist, Tariq Ali confirmed the findings. "We at Red Mole were always trying to get Ollie to be more involved in the class struggle, but to no avail. We'd hand him some leaflets and send him off to engage the proletariat only for him to dart into the first pub he came across and start chivvying the locals into a yard of ale competition. Four days later he'd turn up with a bag full of soggy leaflets, reeking of vodka and covered in vomit and excrement. He was bloody hopeless!"

In further revelations, the CIA has admitted that it suspected Marilyn Monroe to have been a card carrying communist. There were also suspicions that extravagent pianist and family entertainer, Liberace, may have been homosexual.



Thursday, 22 September 2005

A Cry for help.

Yo Swipesters!

Lose weight quick, The Robert Swipe Way!

I swear to God it works, ladies. And it's much more fun than those dang staples...

Love on y'all!



Hi Swipesters!!

Here is your chance to own your own little slice of Bob!

We're currently trading at $249.67, up 15.56% on the last quarter. Hurry, before we go through the roof!!

"Lunch is for wimps", right??

Love on y'all!

High Yield Bob.

Morton Shadows' History of Rock 'n' Roll Music!

Yo-di-doo-di folks,

This here week we gone start our 'lil jaunt back down the ages o' rock at that 'lil biddy ole letter J.

J is for.......

Jefferson Airplane!!

The Airplane certainly went through a heck of a load of changes before they "built this city on Rock 'n' Roll'. Here's a brief summary of their many permutations.

The group was founded in 1795 by The Montgolfier Brothers, under the monicker of Jefferson Hot-Air Balloon. They proved a wow, zonking fin de siecle audiences with their dazzlingly psychedelic waltzes, scherzos and fugues. The 19th century saw the group fade somewhat from the public but the 20th Century promised better things for the Jeffersons. The arrival of a new rhythm section, The Wright Brothers, and a change of name to Jefferson Wright Flyer proved a massive hit. The group went through several incarnations between this model and their high watermark in the 1960s - Jefferson Monoplane, Jefferson, Bi-plane, Jefferson Spitfire and Jefferson V2 rocket all had hits in the first half of the century.

But it was as Jefferson Airplane that, with singer Grace Slick at the helm, they would carve their initials in the tree trunk of rock history. Grace, along with her twin Brothers Earl and Oil, has to be one of the greates vocal talents in the history of popular music.

Who can forget that stupendous performance on White Rabbit? I've certainly never seen a human voice curdle milk from 40 yards away before or since, that's for sure. And what better song to play next time you want to enjoy a relaxing bath with a quart of ether and a three bar electric fire?

The glory days may have passed since Jefferson Starship split in the wake of their massive hit and ode to all that is Rock DIY ("We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll") but there are still a number of spin off bands doing the rounds on the California bar circuit. Currently geting back to their roots is Spencer Dryden with his solo vehicle, Jefferson Balsa Wood Model Airplane Kit With Ultra Light Attachable Battery Pwered Engine. Seems like the old adage is true: You just can't keep a good plane down! (Unless you contract out your catering services to Gate Gourmet, in which they'll immobolise your entire fleet within 24 hours...)

Keep on rockin' y'all!!


Bob's Secret Caribbean Location Diary - Day 3

Yo Swipesters!

Well, I gotta hand it to Negrita - that she-man mixes a wicked cocktail. This is the view I woke up to this morning:

Still, after a quick shower:

I was ready for another of the Amazonian artistes bracers:

Only this was a bracer with a difference - the bird is a potent halucinogen (you have to swallow it whole after you've downed the shot. It's a great hit but some of the side effects are a bit strange:

And then I, I must have spent abou 7 hours staring into the abyss like this as I was coming down:

So I think I'll be sticking to Wadadli beer for ther next few days!:

Love on y'all,


That picture of Andrea McLean & Clare Nasir Mudwrestling that I promised y'all

Beats Sudoko, right?

Love on y'all,


Andrea McLean & Clare Nasir's Lesbian Sudoko Challenge (in Mud!!)

Hi Swipesters!!

Sadly, this is not as interesting as it sounds. Basically, it's a normal Sudoku game involving the word LESBIAN. A friend tells me her blog has received 2,000 or so extra hits from Croatia alone just because she used the word Sudoko in one of her posts. Never one to do things by halves, I threw in the stuff about the GMTV weather girls and the mud - well, you can't be too careful, can you? Just to appease all those angry surfers lured here by the promise of scantily clad meterologists writhing in a sea of sludge, please feel free to ogle the photo of those lovely girls, while I try to get someone to do a photoshop mock-up of them fighting in the mud...

Love on y'all,


Wednesday, 21 September 2005

Yoga with GMTV's Penny Smith! Lesson 4

"The Mongoloid"

Penny says: "You may have thought it was just a cheap shot at all the crippled kids at your local comprehensive, but the "Mongoloid" (or "Mong") is one of the most energy efficient positions in yoga. Remember that a beatific, vacant expression is the key for maximum sputum shedding. You can lose up to 14 pounds an hour (beat that Dr. Atkins!) in excess drool if you get it right. (I usually think of Jose Mourinho gobbling me senseless in the Stamford Bridge directors box during a thrill-free 1-0 home win against Birmingham City and that normally keeps me moist for hours. Orally, of course!) Arm placement is also key, but you'll find it's just like riding a bike - it all comes back to you as soon as you get back in the saddle! I can spend hours like this, on my enormous padded giant flute, effortlessly toning my perfectly proportioned limbs whilst shedding a few pounds and causing incalculable offence to the pupils at the special school opposite my house!"

Love on y'all,


Yoga with GMTV's Penny Smith - Lesson 3

"The Silent but Violent"

Penny says: "This one really gets those adducter muscles going. As you can see, I often use a small triangular piece of black cardboard between the knees to measure the force of my clench. (In this example, I reached 7.19 on the clenchometer, as you can see. Not bad!) This was in my days as a yoga novice. I can tell by the gritted teeth and ungainly arm posture. In fact, I was straining so hard that Eamonn Holmes thought his luck had changed! Until he caught a whiff of it, that is. A good warm-up before one of our infamous GMTV marathon love-ins with the Topps Tiles weather girls. But remember, don't try to run before you can walk - it took me three years before I could blow smoke rings, and even then only with the help of a hand=pump!"

Love on y'all,


Fiona Phillips brings you "My Favourite Nazis": a stroll down memory lane with the lovely GMTV presenter.

No. 1: Heinrich Himmler.

He may not have been everybody's blue-eyed boy, but I can't get enough of old Heinrich. As the picture shows,

he was always well turned out - a spruce and dapper little man who knew how to talk a lady into his arms. Who could resist sweet talk like this?:

"...the Nordic race is decisive, not only for Germany, but for the whole world. Should we succeed in establishing this Nordic race again from and around Germany and inducing them to become farmers, and from this seedbed producing a race of 200 million, then the world will belong to us. Should Boshevism win, it will signify the extermination (Austilgen) of the Nordic race..."

Look at me, I'm blushing like a schoolgirl!!

So, let's hear it for Heinrich Himmler, one of my all-time favourite National Socialists!



Tuesday, 20 September 2005

Hey!! Negrita!! Hold on a dang moment here will ya??

How in the heck's a guy supposed to post a blog lying on his back high on Anti-malarial, in an undisclosed Caribbean location, beneath a 21 stone Nicaraguan gun toter with a head full of Nitro-glycerine based rum cocktails and a libido the size of Ipswich?

Beats me.


Monday, 19 September 2005

Bob's Undisclosed Caribbean Location diary - day 1!!

Hi Swipesters!!

And what a beautiful day it is here in A****ua!! Sorry I can't be more precise about my exact location but, you know how it is. Security and all that. Suffice to say that by the time Negrita had finished with me, I was as smooth as Telly Savalas after an all-over Brazilian! I will be standing well away from the pool table for a while, you can believe it!!

Boy, can that girl mix cocktails! Here's just a sample of what's been glug-glugging its way down the famous Swipe neck:

Black Magic:

1 part vodka
2 parts yoghourt
3 parts paint striper
4 parts yak sputum
7 parts rum

Bob's verdict: give's you a head like a stormtroopers helmet in the morning but dang it's worth it!


1 part caracao
3 bars dark chocolate
18 parts rum
15 parts ginseng
12 parts nitro-glycerine

Bob's verdict: Shit me, that's strong!

Steel donkey

3 parts local Waddadli beer
12 parts brandy
1 part ice

Bob's verdict: Frashhummfugginpisssshhhdertodal!!!

But it's not all cocktails on the beach. 14 hours of rampant bodyily inspection from Columbia's foremost female impersonator have left me wilting like a leaf! Time for my midday hammock.

More tommorow (if I can keep that fiendish south American's tongue out of my ear for 5 seconds...)

Love on y'all,


G***t*namo sunsets #2,337

Can you believe that?

And let me tell you, the view is made all the more pleasant after 72 hours of scrotal electrocution, gonad intimidation, endless Sesame Street-style children's TV singalongs and being forced to leaf through a urine soaked copy of one's holy book of choice!

More tomorrow, Swipesters!

Love on y'all,


G***t*namo sunsets #147

Fantastic, huh?

And let me tell you, the view is made all the more pleasant after 72 hours of light deprivation, verbal intimidation, earsplitting heavy rock music and the ritual defiling of one's holy scripture of choice!

More tomorrow....

Love on y'all,


Aloha from an undisclosed Caribbean location!

Yo Swipesters!!

The call came through Friday evening - "Bob, we need you to go to an undisclosed location in the Caribbean, strictly hush-hush, stock up on the flavoured, ribbed and ultra safe, pack your trunks and leave plenty room for a quart or too of duty free pina colada" - the usual...

Well, no sooner had I leaped in the cab and yelled to the Latino driver "Logan Intl. - and step on it!" (did I tell you guys I'd moved to Boston, already?? Maybe I didn't...) than the anti-malarial tablets started to kick in and I don't remember much else about the airport or the flight. Just thank heavens I didn't try to post anything on the blog from one of those airport PC terminals - I don't think it would have made much sense if I had!! Remind me never to mix qualuudes, anti-M and a litre and a half of Jim Beam.....

Anyways, next thing I know, I'm in a darkened room that smells of faeces and damp paper with a bag over my head and a choker at the neck with some redneck joker saying stuff like, "OK Mohammad, we know where your friends are we just want to hear it from your own pretty little lips..." and then I feel something unnatural and hot entering me at a very unpleasant angle... I waited several days for them to offer me the traditional call to my lawyer but to no avail. And that was the state of play for the next 2 weeks. Still, it's amazing what you can get used to.

Then, yesterday, they finally remove the hood and turn down the Marilyn Manson CD they've been pumping out for the last couple days (just before the standout track too!) and some GI joe and a suit are standing before me saying we are soooooooooooo sorry Mr. Swipe and treating me like royalty and asking me if I've ever had an all over baby lotion body rub from a Nubian Queen....? (Er, not that I can recall....) So now I'm here:

...and they're filling me with as much Rum Collins as I can fit in a size 12 stiletto. Jeez guys - you're the tops! More later - Negrita says she's not through with me yet...

Love on y'all,


Friday, 2 September 2005


Logan time....










head pounding.
Heart feels like a cold
rock weighing me down.
Why won't these sons of bitches kick in?
Damn you black dog.
Damn you.
No calls.
No messages.
No friends.
No point.
No point.

Logan time...

Checking out time...

No word from Mr. Guardian guide review -
huh, big surprise.
And, like, I'm the idiot, right?
Mr. Running for the smarmy shitty arsed right??
Yeah, well, one less fuckin' idiot for you to worry your milksop ivy league styrofoam evangelist-nazi little brain over soon. Go fuck yourself.


Logan time...

Checking out time....

OK, Mr. running for the right,
Mr. Guardian guide review,
Mr. every agent who's ever turned me down and especially you Mr. guy in the downstairs apartment who went away for two weeks and left his car alarm on -


You see, you guys just don't have the VISION??
Do ya?
Hell no./

Well, I got vision -
I got enough vision for all of us.
Do you ever have this thing where you can see things so clearly,
with such clarity,
that it's almost as if you're looking at your whole life?
That's it -
you're looking at your whole life and it's

in front of you
like you're holding it in your hand like a thin,
shiny blade....
yeah, that's it.

decision made,
no turning back.




Do I

I came in?

or maybe...

as I came out....












Hurricane Katrina - a personal view

Hi Swipesters,

As regular readers will be aware, I try to maintain a balanced and fair view of world events and that's why, in the main I try keep the postings here on The Robert Swipe Show largely apolitical. I am also, as you will all no doubt agree, quite a stickler for respect and observing the basic common courtesies to all peoples, regardless of their race, creed or color....apart from the Muslims, obviously.... But, at this time of great national trauma and crisis, as I like to believe all citizens of this wonderful country would not, I feel I cannot sit back and remain silent in the face of an external threat to our way of life that is worse even than the awful natural calamity currently being visited upon us. I'm talking, of course, about The French.

Not content with being cheese eating surrender monkeys and subjecting innocent people the world over to "She, she may be the face I can't forget..." the Frenchies are now plotting to use our national tragedy as cover for a fiendish and dastardly invasion attempt. Yes, it's true! Under the pretext of a humanitarian operation on US soil, the frogs are planning to replace our nutritious, rice paper-based freedom fries with pathetic little sticks of real potato. Jeez, they don't even fry them - it's sautee, of course...A French spokes man outlined the cunning plan to a fiendish Chinese newsagency the other day:

"Our operational humanitarian aid group is going to meet to study the civilian and military means that France could make available from French regions and the French West Indies," said French Foreign Ministry's spokesman, Denis Simmoneau.

Yeah, right. OK, I think we can safely infer from the phrase "Military means" what that little euphemism will entail. But what of the more ominous "civilian" ones? Well, listen up, Claude - if you think us yankees are going to sit back while you teach us to mince around in a dapper little suit, maybe even a long trenchcoat and fedora, carrying an effeminate little dog around as we smoke Gauloise and spend a euro fortune on disgusting Camembert in Prix unic and Mono Prix, well, lemme tell ya - you dago bastards've got a nother think coming!! We'd rather see the streets of our major metropolitan centres descend into chaos and anarchy before we succumb to your filthy, degenerate European ways!

So hop off frogs and leave us to mop this mess up ourselves!!!!

Love on ya'all


Thursday, 1 September 2005

Camp Britain

Hi de hi Swipesters!

It's not normally the function of this site to publicise charitable work. We here at Swipe Towers feel that in the current climate, we are duty bound to break with our time-honoured traditions and give a hefty pat on the back to an organisation that's been doing stirling work in the field for over half a century.

Camp is a part of the British culture and way of life and there are over 12,000 camp people throughout the whole of the UK. Children aged 6-16 years old from very different kinds of backgrounds go camp each summer and Camp Britain gives them the opportunity to learn new skills, try new activities, make friends and have fun!!

All camp people have their very own distinctive characteristics and unique qualities, however there are certain similarities; they are all prone to exagerrated homosexual behaviour, most have a lake or swimming pool, they all indulge in numerous comic activities, most prefer accommodation in ostentatious stately homes and lastly, all have very flexible wrists!!!

Why choose Camp Britain?

There is a huge variety of job choices available – television game show host, singer of mounful ballads to deceased ex-royals, you can work directly with children, teaching them sports, dancing or arts, or you can work in supportive roles including catering and administration. Whatever you decide there are thousands of jobs on offer all over the UK!

Unbeatable service
Since Camp Britain began in 1909, more than 150,000 people have flounced out to work in the States, so no one knows the business of cultural exchange better than we do. We also guarantee no hidden costs and unlike some of our competitors we will confirm your job and location before departure. In these times of difficult international relations, Camp Britain’s excellent reputation with UK government offices and embassies is more important than ever. Plus, the first 50 would-be campers to sign up will receive a signed photograph of Russell Harty, just like mine!

High chance of placement
Last year 90% of supplicants to our programme were placed in various camp roles throughout Britain. Our application process ensures that we recruit only the best applicants to be camp for the summer! This ensures a very high placement rate.

Here are a couple of comments that our previous participants had to say about their experiences on the programme. Next summer this could be you!

“Camp has taught me that the world is a much bigger and more diverse place than I had ever realised before. I have come into contact with so many people from so many different backgrounds, both kids and fellow counsellors alike and I am a better person because of it. You are awful, but I like you.”
Kieran Kinahan, UK.

“I spent a wonderful time with wonderful people who wanted to find out about me and my country as much as possible. I have made friendships that will last a lifetime. Now, if you'll excuse me, my 'tits' need a lift.”
Aleksandra Celler, Poland

It's official: Robert Swipe is an idiot!!

Hi Swipesters,

Well, I thought I could palm myself off as a smart, sassy, cutting edge satirist who would stop at nothing to bring a little humour into the lives of his flock. But no, seems I'm just a plain old honest to goodness idiot after all.

Ah well, back to the old drawing board....

Love on y'all,