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Tuesday, 29 November 2005

A Personal Message From Mardin Antlers

Hi Swipe Readers,

Bob has asked me to pass on his apologies for being unable to post today. He's been feeling a little under the weather over the last 24 hours and has reluctantly taken his doctors' advice to rest up for a day or so and try and beat the little bout of fever he's picked up. His doctors aren't 100% sure of the cause of his ague, but they think they may have narrowed it down a little. Last night was the first night since June of 1984 that no alcohol or similarly destructive chemicals have entered Bob's bloodstream - in fact, he'd just started out on a bottled mineral water and raw vegetable diet as, let's be frank here, he has bulked out somewhat over the last few months! Obviously, it's still too early to know for sure, but I've been asked by the medical experts on hand to pass this on to you - though I must stress that this is still all very speculative, so please don't be too alarmed: although they're reasonably sure that he hasn't contracted it, the doctors still can't rule out Evian flu.

Bob has asked me to aplogise to those with whom he had appointments and has had to cancel - he will make space in his diary as soon as he's back on track. He would also like me to send out his Birthday greeting to A. Radiographer who will be celebrating his 58th Birthday today - "way to go, A!" says
Bob, and he'd like to thank you very much for those internals - he said you'd know what he meant.....!

A. Radiographer: 58 today!

It just leaves me to pass on a written statement from Bob, dictated to his stenographer from his sickbed:

"Hi Swipesters!!

Sorry I can't be with you in person. Last night, Ma Swipe said to me, "Bob, do you feel better for not drinking this evening?" and I replied, "No honey, you feel better after seeing the doctor!"

See, I can still laugh through the tears!!

Love on y'all,


Indeed. Please allow me to take this opportunity to plug my own weblog and wish you all a very good day,


Monday, 28 November 2005

Morton Shadows' World of Pop!!

Yo-di-doo-di folks,

Another exciting week in the world of world dominion seeking English singer-songwriters and piano playing tug-of-love children, so without further addy-ooodle-doo, here' a hoe down on the week's top stories....

Peter Perrett in Backstage Pantomime Coercion Shock!

Former Only Ones singer-songwriter Peter Perrett was involved in an unseenly fracas backstage at the Theatre Royal this weekend as quiet glass of wine and mingle with the cast of a charity pantomime went horribly awry. Dressed in a typically gaudy green velvet jacket, the waif-like star was happily chewing the fat with the actors appearing in the Christmas production of Treasure Island when a partially deaf stagehand misheard the Director's instruction to 'mount the parrot' - as worn in the play by Long John Silver (played by Charles Dance) - and erroneously began attempting to lodge the diminutive lyricist and frontman onto the shoulder of the noted English actor, with no inhibitions. The situation worsened when the wayward prop handler tried to inflate Perrett in a manner similar to that used by Peter Sellers disguised as Swedish sailor in that Pink Panther film, causing an unnecessary degree of discomfort and some loss of plumage.

The theatre has promised to make amends by allowing Perrett and his whole family to attend next year's performance of Aladdin for free - although they have warned him that they will not be held responsible if he chooses to wear a kimono.

"I am Norah Jones' Real Father", Claims Penniless Non-entity.

Gorgeous singer Norah Jones was this week embroiled in an unseemly tug of love as a man purporting to be her real father stepped out of the shadows in the hope of re-entering the million-selling singer's life. The man, an unemployed Russian tailor, claims that he - and not Indian Sitar guru Ravi Shankar - is 26 year-old Norah's real father. "It was a very romantic night in Minsk, exactly 26 years and 9 months ago. I had got Mrs. Jones seriously whelped on vodka and frozen fish and she was pleading with me to shag her senseless without using any precautions by the end of the fifth bottle. All I want is a normal Father and Daughter relationship with my beautiful little girl and for her to take her rightful father's name," said Mr. Vladimir Titzof - either that or $12 million...."

Morrissey to become Caliph of New Islamic State!

Manchester-born singer Morrissey is the surprise choice to become the new Caliph of a reunited Arab and Muslim world. The new superstate will stretch east from Southern Spain to Pakistan and cover most of Saharan Africa and parts of the Far East and the new leader will be appointed by a group of senior clerics and potentates. "It's obviously imperative that we get the right man", said a spokesman for the Council of British Muslims, "but we're obviously rooting for the local lad and it seems he stands a really good chance". The former Smiths singer and solo star converted to Islam three years ago when it was pointed out to him that a senior position within the Islamic religion would enable him to issue edicts and fatwas with far more authority and would possibly even exempt him from prosecution under new anti-religious intolerance laws being drafted up to prevent terrorist attacks being launched by religious zealots and intolerant bigots. "Moz is always outspoken, as you know", said his Press Secretary, "and I can't remember a day going by when he hasn't called for a McDonalds to be burned to the ground or a member of the Royal family to be assassinated. I think he could be just the fella for the Caliphate post." The decision is expected to be made once the Caliphate has been established in the wake of a victorious jihad.

We'll keep you all posted on the results but, in the meantime, in you're reading this Moz - good luck you!!

Keep on Rickety-Rocketin' y'all!


Sunday, 27 November 2005

Helen Mirren to lead new NASA S.E.T.I. Probe Mission - Exclusive!!

Holy Moly Swipesters!!

Shock news reaching us here at Swipe Towers today of a new NASA mission which could see stunning Prime Suspect & The Long Good Friday star Helen Mirren launched into space in an audacious (and quite possibly hare-brained) bid to make contact with alien life forms and turn them into a secret military weapon that can kill millions of hapless earthlings in a spoooky, real-life version of the plot of the film Alien.

Ilynea Lydia Mironoff: a heroine of the Soviet Republic. But can she be trusted by NASA??

Mirren, who under her real name of Ilynea Lydia Mironoff studied to become a Cosmonaut in Soviet Russia, was chosen from a shortlist of ten women and beat off the likes of Natalie Imbruglia, Beyonce Knowles and Joan Rivers to conduct the most ambitious American space project since the moon landings of the 1960s and 70s. Scientists hope that the elegant and sophisticated actress who has wowed audiences around our own planet with her portrayals of a variety of vampish rock chicks but who is perhaps best known for her role as Police Detective Inspector Jane Tennyson in the Prime Suspect series will act as a beacon for possible forms of intelligent life. The plan is for her to lure them to her specially constructed podule where she will seduce them in the hope of becoming inseminated with their precious life-giving proteins. On her return to earth, Mirren will be birthed and scientists are hoping that she will spawn a horrifically militaristic organism bent on the systematic destruction of everything in its path which they will then use to dominate the planet earth in a callous and cynical display of inhumanity.

Agent Mironoff: "...a photographic memory is just so useful when it comes to scanning Top Secret Documents..."

"We're really excited about this, obviously", said a salivating scientist. "Mirren has all the qualities we are looking for - she's bright, sexy and has enjoyed tempestuous, foolhardy, kick-'em-out-of-bed-first-thing-in-the-morning sex with everyone from Rodney Bewes to Donny Osmond. Who could be better qualified to lure a bloodthirsty harbinger of death into the sack and milk it of its seminal fluids? And she trained to be an astronaut too! She's perfect for our evil scheme (and she's not currently working, which means we've got her at a steal!!)"

A scientist: (er hem ...for the ladies, you understand...)

Critics have questioned the wisdom of sending a mature woman, possibly on the cusp of being past her prime on such an important and dangerous mission - some going so far as to call for a younger space cadet such as Britney Spears or Kelly Clarkson to be sent instead. "I'm as fit as a fiddle and ready to fuck for humanity! I've been through just about every kind of man here on earth, so I guess it's about time I put it about a bit with the little green variety! I've found no signs of intelligent life among the earthling men, so who knows??" responded a clearly flushed Mirren at the pre-launch press conference. "I think these people lobbying for Britney don't really have the future of our species at heart, personally. If you ask me, it's just a cynical ploy to keep her as far away as possible from the recording studio."

Rourke in "looks like senior Swipe Towers researcher......well, a bit..." shock.

In a completely unrelated incident, former-Hollywood hearthrob and semi-pro boxer Mickey Rourke is to be landed by space shuttle on top of a passing asteroid, for no other reason that that I have had requests to balance up the female totty content on the site with some ravishingly hunky-style men - and I can NOT afford to lose readers over this! More Mickey Rourke tomorrow - if only because he bears a passing likeness to one of our senior researchers....

The Mironoff 1 probe will be launched the next time there's a clear night and a reasonably full moon...well, it's easier for the astronauts, apparently...

Love on y'all,


Saturday, 26 November 2005

An open letter to the Adam Smith Institute

Howdy Swipesters!!

Well, say what you like about free-market capitalism, but I for one am starting to wonder if it isn't all bully for the market bit and shove it up yer bollocks with a friggin' great stick for the free part! I wanted to pass on my best wishes to The Adam Smitrh Institute - an organisation I have an enormous amount of respect and time for and (to nip an incipient rant in the bud and get straight to the bones of it) - dang it if they didn't refuse to publish my carefully worded and lovingly typed little eulogy:

Dear Adam,

I think it would be just peachy if you could add a little link to my brother's satirical blog site from your cute little Free-market think tank page! He's very much of the same intellectual persuasion as your good self - but, heck! we can't all be Einstein, right! - and I know it would just make his day if you could add The Robert Swipe Show to your illustrious list of blogs. (Besides, judging by your joke of the day, you need a bit of humour here, dang it!!)

Love on ya - and good luck with the global capitalsim thing!

Roberta Swipe (Mrs)

Still, I'm OK - bruised pride aside, obviously. But you get my drift here? It's almost like those guys are all keen and dandy on the freedom bit when it suits them, but if they don't like the cut of someone's jib (and I can't exactly help being Jewish, can I?!) they just don't want to know....

But nil desperandum Swipesters!! Fortunately, there is a trackback facility over at the ASI, so anyone who cares to see the rejected eulogies to liberal free-marketeering will be referred back here and I get the link anyway!! But it makes you think, doesn't it?

Love on y'all,


Part Two of our Exclusive "Cut out and Keep" Roberta Swipe Series Featuring FREE Wallpaper Exclusive!!!

Woah Swipesters!!

Roberta Swipe - link whore to the stars....

Well, I kinda knew something like this might happen. But when I sought to placate the slavering global interest in our USA Entertainments correspondent Roberta Swipe (no relation) by agreeing to post up a composite photo of the delectable sex bomb (and highly respected journalist) I never conceived that it would spark such a feeding frenzy of rampant testosterone, financial impropriety and downright, dirty-talking threats! But there you go, she's some lady!! And as I have some kind of a moral duty to attempt to at least try to keep some kinda grip on our ever-exploding population, I am having to post up installment 2 of the series a lot pretty damn quicker than I ever invisaged, that's for dang sure.

Before I post the second installment though, I'd just like to thank all those of you who took the time to multiple vote for The Show in the highly dubious (and thanks to all the cheating, completely meaningless and discredited) Top Comedy Sites poll. Obviously, I can't be held responsible for the paucity of integrity shown by all those double, triple and occasionally quadruple voters who, out of misguided loyalty to The Show set aside any moral or ethical dimensions they may once have had to try to rig the vote there in such an unscrupulous and demeaning fashion. Whilst I find it hard to be outright mad at these people who, with all good and noble intentions, have behaved so abominably, I will say this: Jees guys - if you're gonna cheat, don't do things by halves, dang it!! If you can do it 4 times, why not 4 hundred? 4 thousand even? Come on guys - pull your socks up! We're aiming for world domination here!!!

(Serious note: at one point we got to Number 10 and I'm very grateful really to everyone what voted, regardless of how often. I heart you guys!)

So now, what you've all been waiting for - the second installment of our Cut out and Keep Roberta Swipe, brought to you by Swipe Enterprises in association with Twickenham Fine Ales and Laboratoire Garnier, the one the only, the highly desirable(and comparatively cheap for a supposedly high class call girl who's not averse to obliging on some of those more demeaning requests that are sometimes made of her by her dubious and so-called clients), Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you - Ms. Roberta Swipe!!!!!

Part two: the calves, knees, thighs and hips:

And don't forget Swipesters the Roberta Swipe wallpaper offer is exclusive to our readers: just rotate the image above by 90 degrees, right click on the image and choose 'set as wallpaper' and you could be sitting there all day staring at Roberta's lithe and lovely frame when you should be working - just like I do!!

Love on y'all,


Friday, 25 November 2005

Madame Cholet - R.I.P.

George Best: 22nd May 1946 - 25th November 2005

Love on ya Georgie,


Praise lavished on BBC Booze 24 launch!!

Yo Swipesters!!!

BBC executives have expressed "great pride and excitement" at the hugely successful launch of their new alcohol-themed round the clock news service, Booze 24. The new service, launched to coincide with the introduction of new all-day drinking licences, was broadcast live from a selection of pubs around the nation. Despite fears that presenters would spiral out of control due to the increased potential for binge-drinking and alcopop fuelled violence, the broadcasts passed off relatively peacefully with only a few minor scuffles and a passing out incident. Police conducting this morning's post-launch clean-up operation have said they are 'quite pleased' with the way things went - although they did question how supposedly educated and well-brought up people could so persistently misdirect their aim and piss everywhere but into the bloody bowl. Despite some reservations, the law enforcement agencies are predicting that the new service should prove to be a qualified success.

Turnbull defends attempts to guard against Silverton pecking as "completely justified"

A rota system saw the news anchors take turns at the bar, with teetotaller Michal Hussein occasionally taking the reins in the event of any of her colleagues becoming a little "tired and emotional" at any stage. Bill Turnbull and Kate Silverton were close to blows at one stage over an alleged pecking incident and the mysterious appearance of a half-gnawed small rodent carcass amongst Turnbull's packet of pork scratchings, but there were otherwise few alarms. Gorgeous English rose Sophie Raworth did cause a few blushes when her attempts to perform a saucy slow striptease along to 'Hi-ho silver lining' ended in a tangle of tights and hoisted skirts as she collapsed in a pissed-up heap in the middle of a circle of female presenters who had been dancing around a white leather handbag. A BBC spokesman put this down to 'plain exuberance and youthful high spirits'.

Raworth: "not so Hi-ho-silver lining"

Among the day's news successes were the minute-by-minute updates on the deteriorating health of football and drinking legend George Best and a stunning montage of footage from around the nation of vomit splattered hooligans speed-guzzling wine before smashing shop windows and pulling British bulldog poses in front of the cameras. Critics praised the BBC for the focus of its journalism as footage of an ordinary night out in Newcastle, where no extended licenses were granted, was beamed direct from Orwellian round-the-clock police surveillance cameras trained upon innocent, law-abiding citizens - many of whom could at any time be arrested and held for up to three months without charge on no pretext whatsoever - as they went about their business. "I'm just so pleased we didn't miss any other big stories whilst we were giving blanket coverage to a completely uneventful series of non-incidents throughout the country", said a BBC twat.

Stretchmark: "I can see the boozer with these, Serge!"

Elsewhere, ITV executives remained calm despite their public braodcasting rival's huge success. GMTV viewers were shocked by a lewd and erotic duet between two of its journalists in what many are seeing as a desperate and undignified attempt to dumb down news provision standards in order to increase market share. The incident occured as presenters were congratulating news correspondent Cordelia Stretchmark on the news that she has been invited to play the role of Jane Birkin in a forthcoming bio-pic. The news was greeted by a clearly inebriated John Stapleton as an excuse to disgracefully cajole a clearly embarrassed Stretchmark into an extemporised (and completely tuneless) rendition of the Anglo-French chanteuse's sixties hit, 'Je t'aime'. Fortunately, police were able to disentangle the pair before the song's climax.

Raworth: "....better out than in, Jeremy..."

Love on y'all,


Thursday, 24 November 2005

Vote, Vote, Vote For Bobby Swipe!!


As you'll know, we here at Swipe Towers take a Kipling-esque look at success and failure, tending on the whole to look upon those two imposters with similar disdain. But when there's moolah at stake, that's a whole other ball-game and we tend to get down to the nitty-gritty and want to pretty much kick some ass! So, when I tell you that The Robert Swipe Show is currently lodged at number 19 (NUMBER NINE-TEEN!!!) in the Top Comedy Sites chart (up three places from last week's no. 22 (NUMBER TWENTY-TWO!!), you'll probably already have guessed the drill and be about to click on the Top Comedy Sites logo at the foot of the page to register your vote for your favourite sexy, sassy, satirical blog as I speak.....hey! That IS The Robert Swipe Show, right?? If you have a different favourite sexy, satirical weblog, kindly refrain from voting - this is not a charity, dang it lady!! To sweeten the pill, here's a totally gratuitous picture of Coronation Street star Shobna Gulati to sweeten the pill:

Love on y'all,



Those Roberta Swipe Google Search Results in Full!!

Yo Swipesters!!

Well, since yesterday's posts we've been positively inundated with enquiries regarding our sexy American Entertainments correspondent, Roberta Swipe (no relation)

As ever, we like to give our readers what they want (and I think I pretty much know what's on your minds, fellas regarding the lovely Ms. Swipe!!) So, over the next few weeks we'll be posting up a composite photo of Roberta for your delectation - heck, you can even print 'em off and do a "cut out and keep" kinda thing, dang it - so over the forthcoming weeks, you can build up a comprehensive portrait of our star reporter and house it in the special binder that comes free with issue one! Who knows, if you miss a section, you could always print off an extra copy and try and arrange a swap?? So, without any further ado.... This week:

The Feet & Ankles:

Happy collecting, Swipesters!!

Love on y'all,

Bob (and 'Berta!!)

Tuesday, 22 November 2005

The Return of Kaplinsky Watch!!! Part II: The Night Watch!

The Kaplinsky by day: Natasha in her natural habitat, surrounded by prey.

Woah Swipesters!!!

Since she made way for Sian Williams on the BBC Breakfast News sofa/lounger-type arrangement, we here at Swipe Towers have been positively deluged with requests for a reprise of our ever-popular Kaplinsky Watch updates. I know what animal lovers you Brits are, but Jeez! - even I was bowled over by the response. But, as many of you know, since her move to the Six O'Clock News anchor slot, sightings of newsgirl Natasha have been rare.

Until now!

Thanks to unbelievable advances in in infra-red night-vision camera technology, our new Kaplinskycam will enable us to bring you up-to-the-minute bulletins direct from the heart of the news lair of the now mainly nocturnal Natasha's movements - and believe me they make great viewing even though, like her, we can barely see a thing!!

So, without further adddy-addy-oo, here's the lowdown on the most recent sighting....

Kaplinkycam 6:15 PM: The Kaplinsky safely ensconced in the news lair tending to its young.

Attire: doublebreasted suit top, bandage wrap boob tube.

Carrot deficiency signs: possibly, data too raw to be precise. Estimate 7 short of a bunch.

Alagiah eclipse duration: 3 min. 40 sec.

Leg feasibility: 4.3%

We'll be keeping you posted over the next few weeks when, with the prediction of a harsh winter, we are hoping to be able to observe Kaplinsky preparing for hibernation and perhaps even watch her taking part in a few daring scavenging treks over to next door's refuse sacks!

Stay tuned!!

Kaplinsky watch is a non-profit organisation which aims to preserve the natural habitats in which these notoriously timid creatures thrive in the hope that stocks can be brought back to EU minimum requirement levels by 2010. For more information, email:

Gary Glitter executed in Vietnam - exclusive!

Tragic news, Swipesters!!

Vietnamese officials have made good their threat to execute 70s Glam legend and Cockney rhyming slang, Gary Glitter. Whilst we at The Show obviously deplore this gross and barbaric act, we have to admit that the evidence was pretty compelling:

1. Rock & Roll (Part 1)
2. I'm The Leader Of The Gang
3. Doing Alright With The Boys
4. I Love You Love Me Love
5. Always Yours
6. Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Oh Yeah)
7. I Didn't Know I Loved You (Till I Saw You Rock N Roll)
8. Love Like You And Me
9. Hello Hello I'm Back Again
10. You Belong To Me
11. Papa Oom Mow Mow
12. Remember Me This Way
13. It Takes All Night Long
14. Oh Yes! You're Beautiful
15. And Then She Kissed Me
16. Rock & Roll (Part 2)
17. All That Giltters (Medley)

We'll miss you Gaz!

Love on y'all,


Those Roberta Swipe Google search results in full!!

Yo Swipesters!!

Well, since yesterday's posts we've been positively inundated with enquiries regarding our sexy American Entertainments correspondence, Roberta Swipe (no relaltion)

As ever, we like to give our readers what they want (and I think I pretty much know what's on your minds, fellas regarding the lovely Ms. Swipe!!) So, over the next few weeks we'll be posting up a composite photo of Roberta for your delectation - heck, you can even print 'em off and do a "cut out and keep" kinda thing, dang it - so you can build up a comprehensive portrait of our star reporter. Who knows, if you miss a section, you can always print off an extra copy and try and arrange a swap?? So, without any further ado.... This week:

The Ankles:

Happy collecting, Swipesters!!

Love on y'all,

Bob (and 'Berta!!)

Entertainment U.S.A. Canadian Special with Roberta Swipe!!

Howdy Swipesters!

A great week for Canada here on the Pacific seaboard in Tinseltown, U.S. of A. Impressed by the success of Ry Cooder's unearthing of of a lost generation of Cuban musicians with the Buena Vista Social Club CD, ITV executives have announced plans to revive its classic 70's comedy variety format, The Wheeltappers and Shunters' Club, replacing the original line-up of tough, Northern working class stand-up comedians with some of Canada's greatest living singer-songwriters!

Laughing Lenny Cohen: "Give order!! On behalf of the committee, when I said drink Canada dry..."

Executives are convinced that the show - originally compered by Colin Crompton - will be an even bigger hit in the hands of his successor, veteran tunesmith Leonard Cohen. The pre-publicity claims the show "will amaze and delight a whole new generation of viewers". "We loved the spit and sawdust atmosphere and rough and ready humor of the original show", said a spokesperson for the broadcaster, "but we just felt that it needed a little injection of sophistication in order to appeal to a modern audience. That's why we've gone for the Canadian singer-songwriters - what could be more sophisticated than a graceful, pithy chanteuse like Joni Mitchell telling blue jokes and having a go at gays and mothers-in-law?"

Martha, Martha - I love you can't you see!!

Mitchell and Cohen will be joined by Neil Young, Robbie Robertson and brother and sister act Rufus and Martha Wainwright. The latter have come up with an interesting take on some of the staple routines beloved of the Northern working men's club comedy acts. "We felt that it was time to bring the working man's club act into the noughties", said Martha. "Rufus does a great anti-straight spoof of Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson - picking on all the foibles of manly, meat and two vegs masculinity. He is to the 'Ooh er missus gag' what Charlie "Alright Precious" Williams was to the racist joke. For my act, I try to bring a feminist slant to the Mother-in-law gags beloved of comedians such as Les Dawson and Bernard Manning. I keep the same format as before only I have made my own father the target of the jokes. So instead of saying 'I wouldn't say my mother-in-law's ugly, but the last time I saw a face like hers it was being milked', with me they go something like 'I wouldn't say my Father's ugly, it's just that whenever he looks in the mirror, he's a bloody m*therf*cking *sshole..' and so on and so forth."

Young: "Whine, women and song..."

Veteran rocker Neil Young was looking forward to his new role and brushed off suggestions that the subtleties of his work would be missed in the rough and tumble, hurly-burly atmosphere of the Northern club circuit. "Heck, I'm used to it", responded the gruff Canuck legend, "after all, I've been a miner myself - for a heart of gold."

Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club will be broadcast in the Spring.

Love on y'all,


Monday, 21 November 2005

Minister for Women urges more modesty as survey finds one in three blame victims for rape

Yo Swipesters!!

More encouraging news regarding the deep-rooted humanity of the Great British Public as a survey reveals that one in three believe that women who have been raped were 'asking for it'. Ever eager to capitalise upon an irrational, hateful mob gut reaction, the government is planning to legislate to eforce more modest standards of dress and behaviour among the country's tarts so that they are less likely to bring misfortune upon themselves with the foolish and reckless womanly ways.

Government biologists have long warned that merely by possessing buxom breasts, shapely legs and ankles and long, lustrous hair that cascades like a sensuous waterful down their elegantly tapered necks, women are deliberately provoking good, honest red-blooded males to overpower them in a loveless display of arrogant male power that demeans and traumatises the victim. Using evidence gathered in the recently liberated Iraq, where women have begun to discard the western style clothes they were forced into wearing under Saddam Hussein in favour of more traditionally modest attire and cases of rape have fallen correspondingly, researchers are pushing the government to implement a similar cultural shift in the UK.

We feel the results of the Iraqi experiment offer an exceptionally strong argument to tame the pernicious provocations of these cock-teasing strumpets", said a Scientist who refused to be named. "They think they can trick us into a life of sinful debauchery with their coy glances and

Minister for Women urges more modesty as survey finds that one in three blame the victims for their own rape.

Yo Swipesters!!

More encouraging news regarding the deep-rooted humanity of the Great British Public as a survey reveals that one in three of those questioned believe that women who have been raped were 'asking for it' and brought sexual violence on themselves through dressing provocatively, flirting, being pissed up beyond feassibility or just not saying 'no thanks chum' clearly enough. Ever eager to capitalise upon an irrational, ill-informed and hateful mob gut-reaction, the government is planning emergency legislation. It hopes to enforce more modest standards of dress and behaviour among the country's tarts as they binge drink themselves to a chlirotic liver thanks to new all-day drinking laws, so that they are less likely to bring misfortune upon themselves with their foolishly reckless womanly ways.

"Bingedrunk, shag-hungry harlot, gagging for it, obviously"

Government biologists have long warned that merely by possessing buxom breasts, shapely legs and ankles and long, lustrous hair that cascades like a sensuous waterful down their elegantly tapered necks, women are deliberately provoking good, honest red-blooded males to overpower them in a loveless display of arrogant male power that demeans and traumatises the victim, leaving them psychologically scarred and traumatised for years. Using evidence gathered in the recently liberated Iraq, where women have begun to discard the western style clothes they were forced into wearing under Saddam Hussein in favour of more traditionally modest attire and cases of rape have fallen correspondingly, researchers are pushing the government to implement a similar cultural shift in the UK.

Sort your tarts out, Meg!: Minister for Birds, Meg Munn does it for the love of it...

"We feel the results of the Iraqi experiment offer an exceptionally strong argument for taming the pernicious provocations of these cock-teasing strumpets", said a scientist who refused to be named, but you certainly wouldn't mess with him - especially if you were a lass. "They think they can trick us into a life of sinful debauchery with their coy glances and saucy outfits, do they? Well, I can tell you, she'll be feeling the back of my hand if any tart of mine thinks she can go out dressed like that. We haven't brought in all day drinking so these shameless hussies can binge drink themselves senseless before hoisting their skirts up for the world and his wife to see and then spewing up all over the darts oche while we're trying to have a quiet game of cribbage. I say if the Minister for Women can't control her own hareem, she should pack her bloody bags and be off and she can take the bleedin' mother-in-law with her!" Said the scienist before disappearing off to "take the whippet for a walk".

Binge drinking as it should be done.

Meg Munn, The Unpaid Minister for Women, is believed to have worked out a detailed plan of action in response to the alarming findings. She is thought to be recommending the re-introduction of finishing schools, chaperones and curfews for all women under 60. The compulsory wearing of hijab and isolation of menstruating women are said not to have been ruled out. Amidst concerns in some quarters that the new measures might be seen as anti-progressive and deeply sexist, Munn will also be recommending post-incident counselling for males who have committed rape and then been subjected to the awful stigma and trauma of having their private lives dissected in public before eventually being acquitted by the jury because they were obviously led on by a whore seductress with evil on her mind.

Keep up the good work, Meg!

Love on y'all,


Sunday, 20 November 2005

Prince Andrew and June Sarpong wedding exclusive!

Great tidings Swipesters!!

Prince Andrew and Channel 4 TV Presenter June Sarpong have announced their plans to marry early in the new year! The royal gala will take place at Windsor Castle and Archbishop Desmond Tutu is believed to have been approached to officiate. The couple met during a yachting break in the Caribbean and have been inseperable since. "I've never seen the Prince so happy", claimed an equerry, "he really is smitten and I can't really say I blame him. June is a real stunner, isn't she?" A spokesman for C4 said "we don't normally like to comment on our presenter's private arrangements, but in June's case we're delighted to make an exception. We're all absolutely overjoyed for her and, to tell the truth, none of us can really believe it's happening! We'd like to formally send the couple all our congratulations and wish them every happiness together in the future".

A palace insider was quick to confirm that the Prince - currently separated from his first wife, the children's author Sarah Ferguson - had the Queen's blessing for the union. Mindful of the speculation that surrounded her eldest son's re-marriage earlier in the year, Buckingham Palace was at pains to impress upon the gathered media representatives from around the world that the couple had the full backing of the Royal Family. "The Queen thinks June is marvellous. They have a right old time together, studying form and making rude jokes about the residents of Albert Square! They seem more like mother and daughter than in laws-to-be. I for one never thought I'd hear Kanye West blaring out of the royal apartments at Balmoral, but it just goes to show, doesn't it?"

The Prince and his new bride are expected to honeymoon on a Pacific Island before heading off on a semi-official tour of the Polynesian Islands. The newly-weds told a packed press conference that they would be embarking on a hectic diary of official engagements upon their return and that they had no plans, as yet to settle down to start a family - although neither was ruling out the possibility of starting a family in the not too distant future.

We here on the show would like to wish their Royal Highnesses every happiness in their new life together. God bless us - everyone!!

Love on y'all,


Dalai Lama warns of "rivers of blood" over new anti-religious hatred bill - exclusive.

Woah Swipesters!!

In an unusually outspoken interview with The Robert Swipe Show, the world's most senior Buddhist the Dalai Lama has pledged to use new religious tolerance legislation to go on the offensive against those who incite hatred against his faith. With shocking candour, the Tibetan holy man outlined his new position, saying that he was fed up with being seen as an easy target and the leader of a "lightweight religion". Instead, the Lama vowed to transform his creed into one every bit as "bloodthirsty and sanctimonious" as the other major religions and promised "rivers of blood" would ensue if the persecution of his beliefs persisted.

Captioner in unsuccessful attempt to avoid lame "Dial-a-Llama" pun..

The Dalai Lama highlighted the following passage in the proposed law as giving his followers the green light to be, in his words, "shall we say, more proactive in the way we go about our proselytising business":

having regard to all the likely circumstances the words, behaviour or material...are likely to be heard or seen by any person in whom they are...likely to stir up religious hatred.

"For many years we've turned a blind eye to your infidel habits, such as eating meat and killing one another. But this legislation gives us the platform we've been waiting for. You can imagine how insulting it is to us as Buddhists who believe that all life is sacred when, every Sunday, the vast majority of you Britons settle down to your Sunday roasts. Well, now we no longer need to suffer in silence. Under the new law, we can stop you eating your disgustingly over-cooked carcasses or munching on the yucky, jaw-breakingly hardened pig skin you somehow see fit to consume. In fact, as the verbal threat of tucking in is covered by the new bill, as soon as Mum yells out, "come on you lot, I've cooked you a lovely Sunday roast" or you tell her "mmm, that joint of beef was done to perfection, love", we can have you under the new law for inciting religious hatred against us. And believe me, we will."

Preeya Kalidas: "quite possibly affected by the proposed legislation outlawing incitement of religious hatred..."

The Dalai Lama was quick to diffuse suggestions that this new stance could be construed as being anti-Christian. "No, we're going to clobber the Muslims too. Bloody Halal meat? It's disgusting - a real affront to our principles of non-violence and the sanctity of life. We've been very tolerant over the years while you Christians have had an established church and a legal protection against blasphemy and the Muslims have been able to put up a mosque on every corner and have it paid for on the rates. But the worm is beginning to turn. Just see how nice your leg of lamb with mint sauce and gravy tastes with a kukri knife shoved up your jacksy!"

Preeya Kalidas again: "only this time, completely gratuitously"

Asked whether the new approach would see a reduction in the appeal of the faith which many turned to because of its inherent stoic pacifism, the Lama was incensed. "Since when have violence, intolerance of other religions and downright hypocrisy ever been a bar to a successful religion? Do you think the Christians just waved a bloody magic wand to convert the Americas and Africa? Nah, you can stick it up yer bollocks - we're coming out fighting!"

Bleeeeeuuuuurghs: "patrons are reminded that this is a non-smoking gulag..."

Responding to the Dalai Lama's comments, the Home Office minister responsible for introducing the clearly thought-out and completely practicable new law, Hazel Bleeeeeeeeuuuuuuurrghs, was unfazed. "The Dalai Lama is one of the most eminent men on the planet, so far be it from me to tell him what he should or shouldn't do. We in New Labor respect all the world's major religions - it's just the rest of you we don't give a beggaring toss about. But with these new laws we can lock up anyone who gets gyppy with us on the slightest pretext - well, we can do that anyroad under the Harsh New Terror Laws that allow us to gun down innocent Brazilians for looking swarthy, but that's by the by-pass. Anyroad, the Dalai-Bloody-Lama won't be so bleeding uppitty when our challenger tanks are helping the Chinese flatten his frigging temples in Tibet. He can cock off, the ponce...."

The Commons will be "debating" the new Incitement to Religious Hatred Bill soon.

Love & peace on y'all,


Saturday, 19 November 2005

Paltrow lands Emily Maitlis role in new bio-pic!

You Swipesters!!

News just in that Gwyneth Paltrow has just been chosen to play the lead role in a forthcoming film based on the life of BBC London News presenter, Emily Maitlis.


beat stern opposition from Kristin Scott Thomas

Helena Bonham-Carter

Beatrice Dalle

Keeley Hawes

and Wendy Craig

to play the sexy siren of BBC's flagship regional news bulletin.

The film traces Emily's rise from obscure Sky TV news presenter to BBC regional news presenter and the producers promise that the movie will present Maitlis in a completely new light. "Most viewers think of her as a suave, seemlessly professional tele-journalist who has her finger on the pulse of the Capital, one who is equally happy relaying the major events or touching human interest stories that make up life in the bustling Metropolis. But we think that under that facade there is a passionate, sensual woman just bursting to get out and paint the town red in an orgy of doomed love affairs, seedy copulation and ultimately tragic dissipation.

We think Gwyneth is just the woman to get under her skin and find the real Emily, even if we have to reset the action in an 18th Century Libertine bordello for her to do so!

Emily: the lady lived to love opens in cinemas throughout the UK next year.

Love on y'all,


Thursday, 17 November 2005

Vatican uproar as Madonna vows to launch new "University of Sex"

Hi Swipesters!!

Pop icon, actress, renowned children's author and eagle-eyed pheasant shooter Madonna Ritchie is once again at the centre of a terrible controversy as she plans to defy Catholic theology and open a University that will teach children as young as 16 how to have explicit and ground-wobbling sex! The feisty blonde Italian-American superstar is currently at loggerheads with senior Vatican officials over a leaked copy of the University's syllabus.

Madonna University mission statement.

Courses on offer appear to include:

The Art of 20th Century Fellatio: from Impressionism to Post-modernism, via Dada, Cubism and the Theatre of the Absurd.

Putting the Cock into Hitchcock: psychological approaches to the sexual metaphor in the cinema of Alfred Hitchcock.

If he says it isn't his, that probably means it is: an Undergraduate Introduction to Feminist Human Biology.

The Twat: a quantum mechanics overview.

".....If I get so much as one hickey, I'm marking you down Jenkins..."

The star has long been a thorn in the side of the Holy Roman church, most notably when she caused a huge stir with her Like a Prayer video in which she is seen provatively embracing a black Jesus-like figure. But it is thought that this move into the world of education will prove to be the final straw and could see the church go so far as to take steps to ex-communicate her.

"Look here Ciccone - I'm not doing this for my own benefit you know..."

A Church spokesman said, "people go on about this ...this.....hussy of a woman saying she's exploring the contradictions inherent in the Madonna/whore view of femininity engendered in our church and its rituals, but that's a load of old cobblers. The woman's a whore, plain and simple - forget the Madonna business - and what she needs is not encouragement but punishment. Why, if I had my way, I'd put her over my knee right here and now and administer her a sound thrash.....oh, Christ on a bike I've had a misdemeanour in my vestments - it's you journalists with all your talk of whips and stirrups and harnesses and everything", and with that the Archbishop retired to a small room where he was tended by an attractive altar boy.

School discipline, MU-style.

Elsewhere, government educationalists have echoed the church's unease at the idea of the proposed Institution, which cynics have dubbed 'The Madonna Uni-per-versity'. "I think higher education should be about preparing young people for a life of debt and penury caused by our Education policies, not analysing the Semantics of the G-spot or the molecular composition of a marital aid", said senior New Labor minger Reeeeeuuuuuuugggghhhhth Kelly.

Ritchie, Ritchie said: "Shit, shit, shit...." The time honoured response to an unannounced visit from the course validation inspector.

"They should be thinking less about what they're going to do with their todgers and fannies and more about graduating so they can qualify for a string of meaningless tele-sales jobs or become estate agents. Just because when most of the cabinet went to Uni. it was one long round of orgies, drug abuse and radical left-wing politics doesn't mean that today's kids should be allowed to get free blow jobs off hardened sexual practitioners at the taxpayers expense. Although I must say, their part-time evening courses in flagellation for mature students do look rather stimulating..."

The 'Whore of Babylon' instructs her young pupil in the dark arts of lesbianism....and at the taxpayers' expense!!

Madonna herself has remained surprisingly tight-lipped during the whole furore. When questioned by our reporters as she took aim at a young bird, clipping its wing with practiced elan, she had only this to say: "Cock off! Or I'll set my minders on, gerroff me land!!!"

Love on y'all,