Blair Announces New Screen Test For All ID Card Applicants - Exclusive!!

Swipesters,

The government's proposed new ID card scheme came a step closer to becoming a reality today after behind the scenes horsetrading looked to have delivered a likely government majority for the Bill when it comes before the House of Lords. The Upper House was expected to raise a number of civil liberties objections to the idea of ID cards but delighted government sources believe that they have amended the Bill sufficiently to ease its passage through the second chamber.

"We need this new statute on the books so we can deter those who would try to replace our freedom with an authoritarian theocracy", said a New Labor insider. "I realise that there are a lot of objections, in both Houses and throughout the nation at large, to the idea of the government being able to store and to access large amounts of information concerning the citizens of this country. The main fear is that one day we may have a less enlightened government and one which, unlike the current one, might be prone to introducing increasingly repressive measures for fear of alienating the right-wing press, or lying to the house in order to take us to into a war we have already committed to in private, or encouraging a climate of fear in which civilians can be gunned down in cold blood whilst attepting to board a tube train on their way to work. Of course we must guard against such a state of affairs ever occuring here, but to suggest that we are moving towards some Orwellian dystopia in which one's every action is controlled by the state is absolute nonsense. Obviously, you won't be able to go anywhere or apply for any benefits without having the cards, but anyone who thinks that this will lead to them living in some ghastly authoritarian nightmare land where you can't smoke or poke fun at people's religion is living in cloud cuckooland. Or Belmarsh, more likely."

The Lords u-turn is believed to have been brought about by a last minute amendment to the legislation and incorporates a variation on Lord Tebbit's famous 'Cricket test'. The bigoted Tory grandee once complained that non-white immigrants to the country failed to integrate succesfully partly because they persisted in cheering on their old home nation rather than their adopted one. The government was thought to be planning to formalise this arrangement by making it obligatory for anyone applying for an ID card to swear an oath of allegiance to the England cricket team. The oath, thought to be a prolonged chant of "Fre-ddie, Fre-ddie, Fre-ddie" alternating with the cry "barmy army", would be taken whilst holding a copy of Wisden and sipping liberally from a plastic beaker of piss-weak Australian lager. Fears that forcing alcohol upon other religious groups and the prohibitive cost of the 60 million copies of the cricket almanac scuppered this plan. Instead, Ministers have drawn up a short multiple choice quiz and we are delighted to have been able to post a leaked example below:

Culture.

This is a still from the Ealing comedy Kind Hearts & Coronets. The actor Alec Guiness is seen here playing the character of




a) Agatha Christie

b) Agatha D'Ascoyne

c) Paul Gascoigne


Sport.

The manager of the England football team between 1977 and 1982 was



a) Ronnie Hazlehurst



b) Ron Greenwood



c) Joan Greenwood.


Books.

Salman Rushdie has just published a new novel in which he is critical of Islam. Do you

a) Ignore the furore surrounding the publication and go back to your Jackie Collins.

b) Write a strongly worded letter to the Daily Telegraph calling for Mr. Rushdie to explain himself and apologise for having given offence.

c) Threaten to behead Mr. Rushdie whilst burning every available copy of his book, before claiming a million dollar reward offered by the head of a fundamentalist Islamic regime for bringing the author to 'justice'.


Mindful as it is that the new Legislation might be perceived to be Islamophobic and wary of isolating more moderate members of the Muslim community, the government has also urged the BBC to make more efforts to ensure that its programming reflects the nation's cultural diversity. Beeb bigwigs are already pencilling in a series of new shows including an update of a popular 70s sitcom - My Wives Next Door - and a revamp of the ITV talent show The X-Factor. The new format, The X-Ecution will feature Sharon 'Sharia' Osbourne and Simon Cowell as panelists. A viewers' vote will decide which scantily clad adultress will go on to the next round and which one will be stoned to death for her brazen sluttishness.


Love on y'all,


Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Brian Damage - A Tribute....

Yo Swipesters!!

Regular readers will be aware of how we here at Swipe Towers are almost abject in our devoted hero worship at the expensively shod feet of that Master of the weblog, Brian Damage (Mrs.) Indeed, so extreme is our frenzied admiration for the soft spoken (and even softer skinned) Derryman that (and this is a real trade secret we're lettin' y'all in on here) we sometimes take a peek at what the "highly innovative and iconoclastic blogmeister" (What Blogger?) has been up to in order that we don't fall any further behind him than we already are. So, as it's probably his birthday sometime this year, (and, we'll be frank here, we were really stumped for something half decent to post this morning) we thought it was about time we here on The Robert Swipe Show paid full and earnest tribute to the man they're calling "The Alan Titchmarsh of the World-wide web" (What Hoe?) So, without further ado (or if you're an Arsenal fan, without further Edu to bring guile, steel and leftsided balance to the midfield), here is our loving homage to a wunnerfully funny guy who is not only a real gent, but also has the shapeliest legs in show business!!


10 Beatle songs about the current Bird flu epidemic.

(Editor's note: please notice that I have avoided all the obvious ones such as "And Your Bird Can Sing - well, it could if we hadn't had to have it put down)" or "Blackbird hanging by its feet from a hook on the ceiling of an abattoir with its throat slit in the dead of night" etc.


1. "I cull your name"
2. "Vet goes on"
3. "(Chicken)Run for your life"
4. "Across the uni-virus"
5. "Rabies in black" (come on, give me a break here - this stuff is harder than it looks you know)
6. "H5N1 after 909"
7. "(St)Rain"
8. "I want you (she's so aviary)"
9. "Within you, with outbreak"
10. Norwegian wood (this bird has flu)


I'm sure you'll agree that this is a worthy tribute to the great man himself (so it is) However, in time honoured Brian tradition, we invite you to send in your own entries if you think there are any we've missed out....




Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Robert Swipe Show - A Statement From The Health & Safety Executive.

Swipesters.

This morning, I crawl out from under my desk to find this nailed to the office door:


Dear Mr. Swapo,

Your weblog 'The Robert Swipe Show' has been brought to our attention by several correspondents who have urged us to try to curb some of the harmful effects they attribute to your postings. As you will no doubt be aware, under recent anti-terrorist legislation, we have been empowered by government to investigate any site identified as posing a threat, no matter how seemingly slight, to the general well-being and health of the world wide web and it's commonwealth. These threats can range from the trivial - displaying a photographic representation of Vanessa Feltz's upper arms without sufficient warning, for instance - to the more noxious offences recently brought within our remit by the sections of the Act relating to incitement or even, in extreme cases, Gloria-fication (see exhibit A)


Exhibit A.

Covert surveillance and electronic intercepts of 'chatter' emanating from and around your site have built up a picture of quite sytematic disregard for the welfare of others and a gratuitous revelment in such suffering that borders on the perverse. Here are two examples picked up by our screening recently. We have not printed the names of the victims in order to spare them further anxiety:

Exhibit B:

You bastard...!


I nearly choked myself to death laughing as I sipped a cup of tea and happened to read this:


"Kirstie Allsop (reeking of stale Nesqwik and cod liver oil for extra authenticity, I might add)"


Exhibit C:

And one more thing, Mr Swipe, would you stop being so funny while I'm drinking coffee. I've just spilt some on my dress.


As you can see, these two examples alone - and they are, as you will be aware, merely the tip of a particularly unpleasant iceberg - would give us cause to consider taking the most extreme measures within our power to maintain the public's safety. Our resolution to act - and with some alacrity - has been strengthened by the discovery, in a pending post of quite insuperable unsuitability in the current climate, of THIS:



Exhibit D.

An accident waiting to happen, I'm sure you'll agree.

So, by the powers vested in us by H.M. Government, until we can be assured beyond all reasonable doubt that all necessary remedial action has been taken to ensure the safety and well-being of those viewing it, we have no alternative but to close this site down with immediate effect.

Yours sincerely,



Derek Foulds K.B.E.



...........but you can't leave it there, Mr Derek!!!!!




Love on y'all,



Bob






© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Last Chance to Glorify Terrorism as Government Votes on Harsh New Terror Laws!!

Wey-heh Swipesters!

A busy morning here at Swipe Towers as we prepare for what could be a watershed in the life of our blog. As many readers will be aware, today the British government is set to vote on legislation that could outlaw the glorification of terrorism. Whilst we here at Swipe Towers are, by and large, a fairly peaceful lot with no ties to any para-military organisations (although, I'll confess that I have often considered forming one on those all-too-frequent days when a certain well known journalist and erotic review editrice insists upon lashing me to the office executive toy with my jammy bottoms and administering me a brisk thrashing with an espadrille), we still value our editorial freedom. Sure, we may offend certain sections of the community when we label the spiritual head of their belief system a goat-rogering wuss who knows about as much about the inner workings of the Universe as a lobotomised Paul Daniels-o-gram - but dang it, it's ONLY SATIRE, for h**ven's sake! And, as the late great Tony Slattery once said, 'you can't make satire without breaking a few eggs' (Or, in this case, destroying community relations with a highly volatile religious grouping who are liable to start blowing themselves up on trams and beheading people etc. etc. - but you get the idea...)

So, before they bring the curtain down on this particular pleasure (jees, whatever next - those guys'll do something ridiculous like trying to ban smoking or something at this rate, just you watch!) here is a celebration of some of our favourite terrorists of all time - gee, we're gonna miss you guys!!

1. Muhammad Siddique Khan.



Muhammad (no relation) burst into the limelight on July 7th 2005 when, along with three accomplices, he blew himself up in the cause of establishing an Islamic superstate that would cover most of Arabia, Europe, North Africa and the Far East. Tall, tanned, young and lovely, Muhammad is probably best known for his famous video appearance shortly before blasting himself to paradise (and the infidel scum around him to hell, we hope!) in which he called upon his Muslim brethren to rise up against the evil western imperialists in global jihad. We here at Swipe Towers may be sinful, rationalist heathen pornographers who should have our private parts removed and be chopped into a million tiny pieces, but we know a terrorist worthy of glorification when we see one, dang it! Muhammad Siddique Khan, we salute you and all your glorious kind. So long - and thanks for all the memories!!

2. Nelson Mandela.



Today Nelson may look like an artritic old codger, a doddery old scrote we can poke fun at as he litters up the world stage, bumbling about on unsteady feet, smelling of wee and muttering about the fuzzy-wuzzies. Now he may look about as harmful to the military-industrial complex as an upper cut from one of Charles Hawtrey's oven mits, but in his youth Nelson was a firebrand who could strike terror into the heart of a white supremacist bigot at a thousand paces. Arrested and detained on Robin Ellis for most of his adult life, Mandela is a symbol to all terrorists present and future that the easiest way to the heart of a nation is to renounce violence, do your stir and have a record made about you by the Specials. An inspiration to all those who have chosen the ballot box over the self-immolation-outside-the-embassy-of-your-oppressors route to freedom, without Nelson Mandela, would we be embracing the cuddly, people-friendly Gerry Adams we know and love today? Or would Irish politics still be in the grip of that other cute-but-still-a-bastard dwarf, Leo Sayer? (Christ almighty, I HATE Sayer!) We have Nelson Mandela and his glorious reign of terror to thank for these and many other imponderables. Big him up massively!

3. George Washington.



Hate the English? Don't we all!! We've all had enough of them with their O2 replica shirts, their lager and their ginger sideburns; taking over our pubs, flooding the floor with drink and vomit as they watch their side boringly waddle to victory over all the small nations before going out in the quarter finals against the first decent team they face. Then start the long recriminations, the binge drinking, flag-burning and mindless destruction of the peaceful town square outside the bar they watched the game in. We'd all like to get one over that lot, wouldn't we? Well, this guy did. And what's more, he did it bigger and better than any of us could ever dream of - and he created the greatest super power the world has ever known into the bargain. Incensed at giving all his dosh to British bastards in taxes - like, what's new?? - George and several like-minded friends threw a lot of tea into the water (heavens, didn't they even boil it first!?!?) and fired off a few muskets until, by 1776 their insurgency had freed them of their imperial yolk and they had gained independence from the despised Brits. Lessons there for all would be insurgents - if you stick at it long enough and just happen to catch the empire whose yolk you're trying to throw off not long before the start of their decline - you too could achieve world hegemony and throw your own weight around like an arrogant brat with no concern for international law or alternative viewpoints. So jihadists of the world, though the battle may be long, don't despair - it could happen for you too. As that other George Dubya would no doubt have said - 'the harder they come, the harder they fall...." George, we salute you big guy!!

So, there you have it. What a great bunch of lads! Tomorrow we will be celebrating the end of our right to cause offence to anyone at all by showing a special commemorative images of the Buddha being fellated by Stan Bowles.....sorry, hoops fans - but that's freedom of speech!



Love on y'all,



Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

My Secret Admirers

Yowser Yowser Yowser!!!

Well Swipesters, it's that time of year again! Regular readers will know how much I dread February 14th coming around. In fact, I almost get as apprehensive this time of year as my long-suffering postman does. Well, this year has been no exception and the poor guy looked as if he was about to expire as he literally fell into my office and offloaded the huge pile of cards, gifts, and (readers of a delicate disposition, please look away now) worn undergarments all over the floor. As expected, this year's is a pretty bumper haul. In fact, I haven't received as much mail as this since the Child Support Agency finally caught up with me - (...well, I guess they were bound to take a look around the women's enclosure at the Finsbury Park Mosque soon or later) So I thought this year, rather than sending the stuff straight down to Oxfam as I usually do, I'd at least open it and see if we couldn't find someway of incorporating the gifts and letters into this post. We had a brainstorming session here at S.T. and hit on the idea of a little competition to match each gift I receive with the secret admirer who sent it. A vat of 'buie/baby oil rub for the first correct entry. (Of the competition, that is - what you get up to on your own time is not my concern...)

Gift 1:



1 copy of The Erotic Review Victoriana edition, 1 x 3 pack of "Sambo" Races of the World novelty condoms (slight tear in the "Cape Coloured" model - possibly deliberate?)

Gift 2:



1 owl pellet and a copy of the BBC Employees' Handbook, pages ripped out from the "Disciplinary procedures" section.

Gift 3:



1 rubber nurse's outfit complete with comedy anal insertion thermometer and edible "Time on my Titties" watch.




Now, which of these celebrities sent me which gift???







Secret admirer A:


Floella

Secret admirer B:


Marianne

Secret Admirer C:


Lawrence

Now, all you need to do is mail in the name of the person you think has sent me each gift.

Answers in tomorrow's post.


Love on y'all,

Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Sting Blasts Environmental Impact of Cheap Flights - Exclusive!!

Yo Swipesters!

Following in the wake of Bryan Ferry's recent outspoken attack on the failure of world leaders to grapple with the problem of global warming, former Police frontman Sting has criticised the increasing affordability of flights, claiming that the current level is environmentally unsustainable.


Sting: "gan doon rainforest, like"

The plain speaking geordie, who had flown into Britain from his home in Tuscany to announce the launch of his own home-grown organic olive oil and honey range, said, "Wor lass Trudie and me wuz sayin' just the other night, like, as wor wuz flyin' back from wor house in LA - we cannae keep gannin' on like this, man pet. It's all reet and canny for wor fat, wobbly geordie builders ter swan off ter Malage fer a long weekend of wor sand, sea, sangria and hooliganism, but wad aboot wor planet, though but? Be a canny laddie and haddaway with wor cheap flights, will yuz? Why, wor auld fella - he'd be spinnin' in wor grave. Da' wor a milkman, like - a canny job it is an' all, wi' wor milkfloat and wor peaked cap and wor white coat, like - and he'd always be sain stuff like, "wor milk bottle's a canny example of wor recycling young Gordon, though but (...I divna know why, but wor Da' always called us Gordon, like) When tha grows up fer bein' a wee bairn, tha shouldst leave over pluckin' wor guitar and gan doon wor rainforest an' tell wor man wi' a greet spoon in wor mooth all aboot it, though but. So that's what wor did, like."


Wor Trudie: "her's a canny lass, though but"

The enigmatic musician and actor continued, "Wor Trudie wuz jes sayin' the other day like, as we wuz boardin wor plane to wor 16th Century Tuscan villa, that wuz oughtta start sellin' wor own olive oil and hinny, man. Tha's nowt ter do with wor global warming, like, but wor lass reckons wor gan screw a canny few bob outta it, though but. I'm gan doon wor farmer's market reet noo wi' wor wheelbarrer fulla wor first batch. Reet canny scran it is too, man - an' wuv gan fer a reet canny mark up an' all! Wor'll not be wearing wor black and amber hooped sweater, mind. Wor looks enough like a bee as it is wi'oot gettin' stung up wor chuffer an' all, though but! Wor bees gan mad when wor teks wor hinny! Still, beats walkin' on wor moon, mind. Why-aye and howay wor toon!"





© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Arrows of De-Saira!

Yo Swipesters!!

Peace and blessings be upon you! As you will know, we here at Swipe Towers like to take an even-handed view on things. For every anti-New Labour piece decrying the crazed, neo-Nazi state of the Bleeeeuuuuuuurrrgh administration we put up, there is usually a correspondingly vitriolic denunciation of lunatic Tory dancehall Gangsta, MC Cameron coming along not far behind it. It's the way things work in this great country of ours - everything in moderation, checks and balances, treating those two imposters alike and so on and so forth. We like to think that no one party or grouping has a divine right to all of our hideously warped invective. Rather like an elephant taking a dump, a we like to spread it around a bit - so much so that our motto could be "a plague on all your houses - and up your dogs!!" So, as you'll probably already have guessed, when it comes to the current furore over freedom of expression/the right to offend/religious intolerance, we couldn't let our bigoted, hateful disdain for the extremists within the Islamic community go up without us offering a corresponding viewpoint from a prominent British Muslim.

So, we've offered the outspoken media personality Saira Khan a platform to speak her mind on the whole issue. As is our policy on The Show, we've given her complete editorial control, so - be warned - this post comes with a pretty large health warning! Whilst we would like it to be known that her views do not necessarily reflect those of The Robert Swipe Show, we also know only to well that when it comes to Saira, you just Khan argue with her!!



HI,

MY NAME IS SAIRA KHAN. YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER ME FROM THAT TELEVISION PROGRAMME THE APPRENTICE. (I WAS THE GOBBY ASIAN ONE!) ALTHOUGH I DON'T WEAR A VEIL AND I'M USUALLY TOO BUSY TO PRAY 5 TIMES A DAY, I AM VERY PROUD TO BE A MUSLIM. I LOVE MY RELIGION AND CULTURE AND FEEL GRATEFUL THAT I AM FREE TO PRACTICE MY FAITH IN THIS COUNTRY. (I'M NOT ACTUALLY SHOUTING, BY THE WAY - I JUST NATURALLY HAPPEN TO HAVE A VERY LOUD VOICE...)

BUT I AM ALSO BRITISH. I WAS BORN HERE, I GREW UP HERE AND I LOVE THIS COUNTRY WITH A PASSION: FISH AND CHIPS, PIGEON FANCYING, JIM DAVIDSON - I HATE THEM ALL AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER BRITISH PERSON. AND THAT'S WHY, WHEN I SAW THE RECENT PROTESTS IN LONDON, WITH THOSE AWFUL IMAGES OF PEOPLE - MUSLIM PEOPLE - CALLING FOR FURTHER TERRORIST ATTACKS AND BEHEADINGS AND SO ON, I WAS SHOCKED TO THE STOMACH AND ANGRY. VERY, VERY ANGRY!

I KNOW THAT SOME ASPECTS OF CONTEMPORARY BRITISH LIFE - OUR INVOLVEMENT IN IRAQ, GUANTANAMO BAY, THE IMPRISONMENT OF ABU HAMZA WHILST NICK GRIFFIN WALKS FREE, AND SO ON - COULD BE PERCEIVED AS BEING ANTI-MUSLIM, BUT THERE IS STILL NO EXCUSE FOR THE KIND OF SCENES WE SAW LAST WEEKEND. YOUNG MEN DRESSED AS SUICIDE BOMBERS HOLDING UP PLACARDS BEARING HATE-FILLED SLOGANS. THESE PEOPLE COULD HAVE BEEN GUNNED DOWN WHERE THEY STOOD IF THEY'D PROTESTED THE SAME WAY IN SOME OF THE OTHER MUSLIM-RUN NATIONS IN THE WORLD - IRAN, SAUDI ARABIA, OR FRANCE FOR INSTANCE. THESE PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY DON'T REALISE HOW LUCKY THEY ARE TO LIVE IN BRITAIN. I MEAN, WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PEOPLE, YEAH? THEY COME OVER HERE, BUILD A MOSQUE ON EVERY CORNER - ON THE BLOODY RATES, MIND - DO AS THEY PLEASE WITH NO RESTRAINTS OR CENSURE. AND THEN, WHEN ANYTHING HAPPENS THAT THEY DON'T AGREE WITH, THEY'RE OUT ON THE STREETS, BURNING FLAGS AND SHOUTING THEIR HEADS OFF (..THEY ARE SO SHRRRRIIIILLLL, YEAH?) DEMANDING WE MUTILATE ADULTRESSES, BEHEAD ALL POOVES AND KILL THE JEWS - (THEY REALLY FCUKING HATE THE JEWS, INNIT?) AND ALL THE TIME, US HARD WORKING, PEACE-LOVING BRITS HAVE TO KEEP QUIET - COS YOU CAN'T CRITICISE THEM OR NOTHING, IT'S ILLEGAL NOW, INNIT? - OR WE GET BANGED UP FOR INCITING RELIGIOUS HATRED OR SOMETHING, RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT I RECKON WE SHOULD DO YEAH? ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE HERE IN A SECULAR, LIBERAL SOCIETY WHERE ALL ARE FREE TO PRACTICE (OR NOT, AS THE CASE MAY BE) THEIR RELIGION OR OTHERWISE OF CHOICE BUT WOULD RATHER LIVE UNDER SHARIA LAW, RIGHT? WELL ALL THEM PEOPLE, CAN, LIKE, FCUK OFF AND LIVE IN AFGHANISTAN OR SOMETHING, INNIT??

"...AND WAS JERUSALEM BUILDED HERE - ON ENGLAND'S PLEASANT PASTURES GREEN???"


(I HAD THAT RICHARD LITTLEJOHN IN THE BACK OF MY CAB THE OTHER DAY....)

SAIRA
XXX



Love on y'all,



Bob

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Advertising on The Robert Swipe Show - The Editorial Board's Position.

Swipesters,

You will be aware that over the last few months this august publication has been, to say the least, sailing in troubled financial waters. We have been unable to maintain the payments on loans secured in order to boost our flagging sales and we are in the perilous position of having a team of staff who, though dedicated and loyal to a fault, have not been paid for several months. Not to put too fine a point on it, financially we've taken a big one up the Gary and a clip 'round the ear for good measure. As an editorial board, we therefore feel impelled to issue a statement to quell some of the more virulent rumours that have been circulating the blogosphere regarding the future of The Robert Swipe Show and to make clear our intentions as to its long term viability. The statement we have prepared reads as follows:

We, the editorial board, wish to state categorically that we have no plans whatever to offer advertising space on the hallowed pages of The Robert Swipe Show. We have already refused several offers from a variety of commercial sectors, all of which have been dismissed out of hand. We collectively share a desire and commitment to maintain a weblog that is free at the point of use and which is not tainted by any association whatever with vested interests in the business world. This, we are convinced, is the only way to maintain our previously and current high standards of journalism and commentary. We hope that our readers share our pride in this stance and will continue to make us the most widely read weblog in a small, rural outpost of Wales with no regular supply of electricity.

The Editorial Board of The Robert Swipe Show.

So, with that business out of the way, on with today's post....

A busy day here at Swipe Towers as we have decided to upgrade the Office Nanopod....

But what to replace it with??


Fortunately, those kind people over at Apple have a simply astounding range of pods and accesories to choose from... (they really are the best company in the world, aren't they??) So, should we go for the new 60BG



i-bod??

Or perhaps the highly sought after




i-cod???


(Stocks are very low, apparently, so better get one while you still can....)

And why not invest in the new i-Dodd




and keep that tattyfilarious gizmo of yours spick and span with a customised Apple tickling stick!

Then there' the i-god

(due to fear of being hounded by militant extremists, we are unable to publish an image of the i-god but, trust us - it rocks!)

Or, if you want to dispense with that effeminate, metrosexual look and go for something a little bit more tres butch, there's this



the 80GB i-hod. It can store up to 24 average sized bricks and comes in an easy-to- carry, on the shoulder configuration. Ideal for those quiet weekends spent building a massive wall to keep those troublesome Palestinian neighbours of yours at bay!!

Sixties music buffs should get a load of this,



the i-mod which comes complete with a dozen or so mirrors and fully inflatable lips for that to die for trout pout effect...

Or do you fancy asking observational questions of young children concerning clips from Children's Film Foundation movies that no one has ever seen?



Then the i-Rodd is most definitely the one for you!

Or gardeners may prefer the



I-sod...

Whilst prog rock devotees may feel more comfortable sashaying around with this,



the i-Todd...


But what ever you buy, you're definitely going to need one of these.....





an i-wad....



(...and then you give it to us, obviously....)

Decisions, decisions, eh??




Love on y'all,



Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Ask Mariella - Eno/Cale Edition

Yo Swipesters!!

Well, after Monday's post we were literally inundated with comments - so much so that I couldn't get out from under the mailbag to post anything Tuesday! Indeed, there wouldn't have been a post today had Mariella Frostrup not very kindly agreed to come in on her day off to help answer your queries (...that is some all-over body rub!! Women are just putty in my hands at the thought of a tub full of that 'buie/Johnsons mix...)

So, over to you Mariella....



Thanks Roberta,


Spinsterella writes:

I get Eno and John Cale confused. I don't know why.

(I'm currently finding Cale extremely attractive. He's 33 years older than me. Is this wrong?)


Cale: Welsh, talentless, a bastard....I could go on...


Mariella says:

Well Spinny,

First off - Eno's the bald one who does lectures instead of press conferences and Cale is the Welsh one who can't sing. Or play the viola for that matter. A word to the wise, Spin - steer clear of the Welsh. I know I shouldn't say this in front of Roberta, but they're a big bunch of bastards to man. When they're not grizzling about how they always get beaten at the "Rwgbi", and the decline of the mining industry, they're prattling on about how we steal all their water and setting fire to our holiday cottages. I'd give him a wide berth if I were you my love. Eno's a different propostion altogether mind. Goes like the clappers, I'm told.


Spinny: go with Eno. He's not Welsh...



Tim writes:

Is it just me, or does Ms Raworth resemble former rudeness queen Marilyn Chambers?


Raworth: dainty English rose...


Chambers: disgusting sex tramp...

Mariella says:

Good spot Tim. I'm reliably informed that the resemblance becomes even more uncanny after several rum based cocktails and a line or two of finest Columbian. How BBC news presenters can afford to get themselves into such a state of sensory derangement on the pittance they're paid, I don't know - but her live snake juggling/yard of ale routine is apparently a sight to behold in the Beeb staff canteen.

Brian writes:

I danced within an elven ring of quicksilver delight, so I did....

Mariella says:

Brian, this is none of my business, but did you not perhaps get the English National Opera's latest production mixed up with the weekly RHPS shindig? The last time I remember anyone dancing with quicksilver delight at that particular company was during a production of Peter Grimes starring Bryn Terfel. Apparently, by the end, his ring was so elven he couldn't sit down for a week. But then, as I told Spinny, that's the Welsh for you - they're all bastards...

Tim writes:

Spinsterella - not only have Eno and Cale collaborated, they both walked out of really great bands, after which said bands became a bit rubbish, and overly dominated by their prima donna-ish singers.

Mariella says:

Spinny - I think you're in there. I'd get your butt on the first plane out to Bangkok and tie this fellow down to matrimony before he runs off with the first scantily clad lady boy who offers him an all over body rub and a bite of saveloy. Go for it Lady!

A. Radiographer writes:

oh come on Shirley, seven deadly fins, innit?

Mariella says:

A, I think you'll find Bob is right ...

Still, for name-dropping an obscure Eno single, you win this week's star letter prize - an all over body-rub with the liqueur of your choice!

I'll be over as soon as I can junk the rest of these letters. Please warm your hands up first though, won't you...


Mariella xxx



Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Tanya Beckett & Sophie Raworth are STILL Waiting For Godot....

TB: .....here, Soph. What do you make of Ralph Fiennes?



SR: Who?



TB: Ralph Fiennes...




SR: ...Oh, you mean Ralph Fiennes?



TB: "....Yes, that's what I said..."

SR: No, Tans. You said Ralph, as in Ralph McTell or Ralph Nader. It's actually pronounced Ralph, as in waifs and strays, only with an 'R' at the beginning, if you see what I mean....

TB: [mutters:].....Ralph as in waif only with an "R" at the beginning? The poor darling's lost it. [out loud]: What are you on about, Sophs?




SR: Look Tans., it's simple. Ralph pronounces his name Ralph, to rhyme with Ralph even though he spells it R-A-L-P-H, the same way as Ralph Waldo Emerson or Ralph Malph.

TB: ....so Tans, you're saying that he spells it Ralph like everyone else, but for some reason best known to himself, chooses to use a made up pronuniciation that bears no resemblance to the actual spelling - is that correct?

SR: Spot on Tans...



TB: Desiree, have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous in all your born days?

Desiree: No way, Hosannah. This Ralph/Ralph is clearly a mentalist. I mean, could you imagine Burnley, Tottenham and England legend Ralph Coates pronouncing his Christian name so that it would rhyme with the word waif? He'd never have heard the end of it in the Turf Moor dressing room....

TB: Thank you.

SR: That's neither here nor there. You can't base your whole argument on how some obscure, bizarrely coiffed 1970s football legend may or may not choose to pronounce his given name....

TB: Oh, but we're supposed to take some snooty son of an arctic exploring toff at face value are we.....Oooohhhhhh!! Now look what you've done - I've got so worked up about this I've pinged the elastic in my hold up...did I tell you my blood pressure's gone through the roof lately??



SR: Honestly Tans, you really need to start looking after yourself. You can't keep on like this... I mean, if you keep knocking back a box of Stowells a night, you're asking for it. And the cream cakes don't help, either. You want to start doing at least a little exercise or you'll go pop one day, young lady....

TB: Ah Soph, you're so right. I really should start looking after myself a bit better. You're a real brick for telling me a few home truths. Thanks for being so honest. As a small token of my gratitude...here....have these.

SR: Oh Tans, they're lovely! Where did you get them?



TB: Sally Army again. It's like taking candy off a baby. They really are slack!

SR: Thanks a bundle Tans - I'll just stick them in some water. Do you think this blooming Godot's ever going to come? Oh well, suppose I'd better stick the kettle on......minty choc drinks all round girls??

ALL: Mmmm hmmmm!!


Love on ya'll,


Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

First Allsop - Now Husain & Garraway Join the Dunlopillo/Child Support Scam!

Swipesters,

You know me. I like a laugh along with the best of them. Show me some footage of Tony Bleeeeuuuuurgh's intestines being slowly removed with a pair of rusty old pliers and no anaesthetic and I'm rolling around in the aisles, clutching my aching sides with the best of them. But this is getting beyond a joke. First I get a pouting, flushed Kirstie Allsop (reeking of stale Nesqwik and cod liver oil for extra authenticity, I might add) turning up at my door with what appears to be a badly cut piece of nobbly foam sticking out from under her tank top and demanding 50 notes a week and a hand with the milk bill. Bad enough, you'll agree. But not a day later, I get a call from Kate Garraway.


Garraway: "Up the duffer, without a paddle...."

"Swipe", she says (like, what happened to 'Bob', right?) "Look, I'm up the duff, large as a beachball with knees to match and it's due in three months. Draper's had the tests and he's a seedless husk of a man - judging by the dates, it's probably yours. How are we gonna get this kid through Eton??" So far, so skew-whiff, right? So, I'm just surfing the web for an on-line paternity test/illegitimate offspring's guide to minor English Public Schools guide 2006 when there's another knock at the door. I open it and there stood in front of me in a veil, and all over body throw is a mysterious bulging figure wielding a Kalashnikov and two packets of salt and shake crisps. "We need to talkm" says a clearly identifiable Mishal Husain - and don't ask me why she keeps adding an 'm' at the end of her words. "We needm to talkm. I missedm mym periodm AGAINM! I shouldm neverm havem listenedm to youm aboutm rhythmm methodm", she sobs and I feel her fiendish assimilated muslim hand gliding towards my fly. "Babym notm comem cheapm..." and with that she knocks me to the floor and tries to mount me in a far from lady-like fashion in the hallway. She would've knocked half my brains out if a large piece of foam rubber hadn't been there to break my fall....


A heavily pregnant Michal Husain: "...out with the chips and in with the carrots.."

So now I'm shelling out £3,500 a week just to send two badly shaped mattress offcuts through school and I don't even get to see them at weekends!! Now howdayalike that??


Love on ya,



Bob

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Danish Cartoons - A Personal Statement by Robert Swipe.

Yowser Swipesters!

As you will be aware, the blogosphere has been overwhelmed with a heated debate surrounding the infamous Danish cartoons currently being disseminated on the web. The withdrawal of the images from prominent European publications has fueled concerns among civil liberties organisations that freedom of speech is being undermined as militants threaten to bomb the headquarters of publishers who persist in promoting the controversial images.

We here at Swipe Towers have made no secret of our contempt for such bullying tactics. We have nothing but respect for the vast majority of peaceful, law-abiding Muslims currently sharing our multicultural society with us. OK, they may be smelly, look kinda weird and have peculiar ideas about corporal punishment and personal hygiene, but hey! that's no reason to have them all deported and their places of worship incinerated and shoot anyone who looks vaguely like one in the head several times as they're trying to get a tube to work - is it? But for all that, on this issue we feel strongly compelled to run the risk of alienating our large audience of Muslims - hi guys, I know you're out there!! Enjoying the smut?? - by standing shoulder to shoulder with our fellow bloggers against this outrageous intimidation. Some of you may already be aware of the Ink Slinger's campaign to get as many of us as possible to display the controversial Danish images in order to convey our contempt for this gross diminution of our personal freedom. We thought long and hard about joining in with this, mindful of the offence it might cause to our Islamic friends, but in the end there was only ever one outcome. So, fearless and proud of the blogging traditions we uphold, we present - completely uncensored and unadulterated - the pictures they would have you not see. In the name of Freedom and Democracy we say:

SUCK ON THIS, MILITANT CREEPS!!!!!!!!!:







Love on y'all (and I MEAN y'all!!)



Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Why Kirstie? WHY????

Dear Swipesters,

Regular readers will know that I have been, for some time, recovering from the after-effects of my long drawn out and painful separation from newscaster and celebrity tap-dancer Natasha Kaplinsky. As you will probably know, it's been a difficult and traumatic process made all the harder for me by - among other things - Nat's very public profile, her recent marriage and the obsessive telephone calls she makes to our offices here at Swipe Towers demanding that I listen to her and her new husband while they are making horrendously uninhibited love - often at the most inconvenient of hours. (Although, just for the record, I have to say that, whilst there is obviously an issue here with the time difference, if you guys will choose inopportune moments to 'get it on' with one another then that's your own look out. Personally, I don't care what time you call as I'm always ready to record it on my mini-disc player should I fall asleep halfway through the staggeringly protracted nuptials. So, at the end of the day guys, I'm cool but if the timing's a problem for you then either tie a knot in it or put up and shut up....)


Kaplinsky and the other man: "bastards!"

However, despite the very public manner in which it was played out, what many of you may not be aware of is the initial cause of the chill in relations between Nat and myself. I've gone on record before to say that I prefer to keep my personal affairs out of the spotlight. I'd rather not drag the names through the mud of all those - the Penny Smiths, Mishal Hussains, Tamara Beckwiths; the Fearne Cottons, Joanna Lumleys and Rachel Wards; the Claudia Winklemanns, Claire Gooses and Angela Lansburys of this world - with whom I have been involved in tawdry and role-play dominated sexual liaisons before jettisoning them - snapped and broken in two, used and soiled - like wax-laden cotton buds to languish in the wire bin of the tabloid brokenhearts section. Not for me the public airing of the dirty laundry basket of my private life. (Although, while we're on the subject, if you're reading this - do you really think I have a Leather WPC outfit hanging in the closet purely for fun, huh Zoe? What is it with you? Scared of a little spot of sexual degradation and intrusive camera work are ya? You'll come begging me to be able to writhe suggestively at my feet wearing it one day, Lady - I promise you...) But as there is no way that this particular little problem can just be brushed under the carpet - I mean, that's gonna a pretty big bump and it's gonna take a bit of explaining - I feel that on this occasion I must come clean.


Allsop: "Homewrecker!!"

For the record, and despite my protestations to the contrary at the time, I have to confess that I was not entirely blameless in the matter of Nat & my split. For sometime before the end of our relationship, there was a third party involved. Much as I would like to keep her name out of this - especially given her current.....condition... - I feel that I have no option but to name her here and now. It's no secret that I have for some time publicly expressed a great fondness for cherubic TV property show host Kirstie Allsop and - from time to time - we have consulted with one another regarding the blossoming Swipe Enterprises property portfolio. Indeed, it was on one of our many business-related meetings - to, on this occasion, a particularly inticing 12 x 14 lock up on an industrial estate in Middlesbrough with great potential to double as a commercial maggot farm, as it goes - that Kirstie and I made the fatal mistake of crossing the line that separates two professionally involved and mutually concerned business associates from a pair of dementedly gyrating, PVC clad libertines, doused with baby oil and embarked on an amoral journey to the very bowels of human indecency. Heck - stuff happens...


Allsop: "...blue tights...red tights.... whatever next??"

So, to cut to the chase, it was inevitable given her propensity to have my every movement monitored by the mobile documentary film crew accompaning a specialist undercover private investigator she had hired to keep tabs on me, that one day sooner or later, Natasha would find out that I'd been doing the dirty on her behind her back. However, being caught inflagrante delecte by a film crew and gumshoe in the pay of a suspicious-minded TV news anchor is one thing. But having some trumped-up, flush-cheeked estate agent coming up to you with what is clearly a pillow shoved under their jumper demanding child support payments or else she's gonna tell the red tops all about how it got there (...not to mention the unsavoury and unsanitory uses to which I can put a disposable toothbrush and a yard of ale glass) ....I think you get the picture.

So, a public plea: Kirstie - please cause this insanity to end! You're not convincing anyone and you are gonna look sooooo silly when the midwife asks you to open wide and push real hard and gets a bump on the head from a 9 pound three ounce hunk of Dunlopillo....


Love on y'all,


Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Robert Swipe Show Annual Convention - 2006 Event Details Announced!!

Hi Swipesters!!

All those of you who have been straining at the leash waiting for news of our annual Swipe-oree will be glad to know that we have now finally firmed up the details of this year's Convention. The Swipe-fest will be taking place 13th-18th April and we are proud to announce an exciting international venue has been secured for the 2006 bash. You've probably already guessed where it is but for those of you who haven't, here are a few clues: "Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today!" "We'll go to Coney and eat baloney on a rope..." "...it's a wonderful place" ...so good they named it twice.


The Swipe bandwagon hits the road with enough baby lotion and Drambuie all over boby rub to drown the whole of Tallahassie ....

That's right folks, this year we'll be painting the town red in Mayor's Income, Tennessee at the Smedley Weingarten Memorial Community Centre and Drop-by. We'll be manning the plywood trestle table to the right of the Seventh Day Adventist Lobotomy for Jesus Campaign stand and next door but one to the Old Seagram's Medicinal and Compound Rubs and Cod-Pourri Piece and Pouch exhibit. I do trust that there'll be a good turn-out - especially from this particular prophet's home town, as it were. I would remind those of you planning to fly from Britain that, as part of its drive to boost flagging tourism trade from across the water in the wake of 9/11, the US government is currently offering the inticing incentive of a whopping $126 travel tax on incoming visitors. Jeez, I'd pay treble that to have my colon searched for nitro-glycerine by a humourless lards-ass from Queens! (But, as Rowan is constantly reminding me, this trip is all about business - not pleasure! Although I will, of course be keeping a close eye on her movements leading up to departure. Last time she somehow managed to smuggle in three pairs of handcuffs and an Iron Maiden and I dang well know they weren't in her luggage cos I helped her pack. Come to think of it, those cuffs did carry a whiff of a strange aroma.....)



Rowan Pelling takes no chances as she attempts to gain free admission to 2006 Swipe-oree.

So, join me, Rowan and all of the gang at the 2006 Swipe-ree and Charity whist drive. We will be offering half price entry to anyone wearing a Bob Swipe t-shirt. There will be further discounts for anyone wearing figure hugging PVC and displaying any part of their nether regions in a grossly exhibitionist (and borderline illegal) manner. Throw in a few sexual favours and the promise of an all-over body rub and - dang it - you might even come out of the hall with a few crumpled bucks stuffed down your cleavage!! So book today and enjoy the pointless-congregation-where-you-are-fleeced-of-enormous-sums-of-money-and-exposed-to-unwarranted-sexual-harrassment of a lifetime!!

See you there, y'all!


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises