Council of Rock - We Salute You!!

Swipesters!

All Hail the Council of Rock!!



(The Gods of Rock Security Council in session: Clockwise from extreme left - Kate Bush; Worrier Princess, David Bowie, Mick Jagger, Elton John, Kevin Godley, Ozzy Osbourne, Dave Gilmore, some twat dressed up like a bat...Click on the image or check out this link for a better sized image than I can fit here)



That's right Swipesters! Just when you thought the world was doomed to collapse into anarchy amid the clash of civilizations, Lo! THE GODS OF ROCK have united to SAVE THE WORLD! See Kate Bush...



Ozzy "Fuckin'" Osbourne...



and David Bowie piss themselves....




as they do battle with the Elton John-headed Bi-plane From Hell!!....(How DOES he keep that syrup on going at such speeds?????)



The planet's children need fear no longer mad religious fundamentalists of any hue as THE MIGHTY GODS OF ROCK will banish those evil twin menaces of Bush and Bin Laden in an ORGY of Class A drugs, BIsexuality and backward messages glorying the name of LUCIFER!! They'll save everyone of us!!

In the name of all that is loud and overblown - GODS OF ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU!!!


(Eternal thanks to "The Laughing Gnome" for the link...)


Love on y'all,



Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Wanker's Guide To....

Swipesters!!

In the first of a new series of beginners' guides, we give you the who and what to whack one off to in the various performing arts!!


This week: Opera!


The common perception of opera is that it is a load of old cobblers warbled at great volume in incomprehensible Italian gibberish by old battleaxes who look like this



and by and large, that tends to be the case.

However, in recent years, a younger generation of eminently arousing young singers have entered the fray and there is a range of nubile young sex playthings to satisfy even the most discriminating of onanists.

Charlotte Church is an excellent example.



She may have a voice that can curdle milk from a dozen paces, but a quick shifty at the Welsh songstress togged up like Sally Bowles in Cabaret is enough to have you spurting into the cornices like an over-pressurised garden hose.

We may never be able to forgive the Germans for the last two world wars and a variety of football related national traumas
(or all that bloody Wagner, for that matter) but we will always be eternally in debt to the teutonic meister volk for producing the lovely Ute Lemper.



If you played me ahundred of her records back to back, I wouldn't know if it was her or a severely scalded coyote baying into the night, but you could set your watch to the frequent low moans emanating from the Swipe chambre as your humble scribe spills yet another load of proteinous fluid onto a glossy image of Westphalia's finest male impersonator!

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Countdown To Our 20,000th Visitor!!

Yowser Swipesters!!

As any of our regular readers who have taken the time to check out the site meter at the bottom of this blog will know, we are currently zooming on towards attracting our 20,000 visitor. Given the avowedly non-mainstream ethos of our editorial board (not to mention the rather extreme political opinions occasionally disseminated here), we are - to say the least - proaud and pleasantly surprised by the incredible response our little blog has stirred up - especially as we never anticipated getting into three figures, never mind five. So, in order to commemorate this amazing milestone, if and when we reach it, we thought it would be appropriate to engage the thoughts and feelings of our loyal readers in deciding upon a suitable garland to bestow upon the lucky 20,000th reader!

Here are a few thoughts we had as to what might make a nice little memento for Swipester number two-quadruple-zero:

a) Hour long 'Buie/Baby lotion rub courtesy of Rowan Pelling (with special discount voucher for all future premium felat-o-ssage services!)



b) Free signed copy of Bob's guide to investing the £350,000 gift you received from the Italian Premier for lying about the funding of his bribes, 2006 edition - with free Remortgaging behind your Oxbridge educated spouse's back for dummies! Supplement thrown in!

c) Free Cheslea Champions League quarter finals season ticket stub and Ryanair voucher to the away leg of your choice!

d) A year's subscription to Rubber Nurse - the organ of choice for Europe's finest Healthcare Professional Fetishists!

e) 15 copies of The Long Blondes Calendar, 2005



(April & May are slightly soiled)

f) 1 collection of incriminating snaps featuring actress Kate O'Mara cavorting with a senior Cabinet minister who is dressed up as a llama:



(Ya think that's good - wait'll ya see the money shot!!)

So, fire away - but be quick! We're expecting visitor number 20,000 any week now!!!


Love on y'all,




Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Spooky "post that never was that comes back to haunt me" type post #2,367

Yo Swipesters,

Regular readers will be aware that occasionally, try as we might, the pressures of providing a high quality daily post to our readers around the globe occasionally become too much for us and, loathe to admit it as we may be, an honest assessment sometimes reveals our offerings to have fallen belown the (admittedly high) benchmark we aspire to. Today's Linda Barker post is a case in point. Brief, poorly illustrated with barely an haunch of bare flesh and consisting of no more than three badly executed gags, it almost made Saturday's Penny Smith and yesterday's Larry David posts look good. To come to the point - we tried, we failed and we're sorry.

But then an interesting thing happened. Obviously, these posts don't happen in isolation - we often have several ideas percolating at the same time. This was one such potential post that came to me on my way into the office but that didn't quite make the cut:

Is God an i-pod?

This morning's divinely inspired sequence in shuffle mode:

Panic - The Smiths
Baby's on Fire - Eno
Black Tambourine - Beck
[random list of tracks ad nauseum...]

OK, it's trite, unformed and barely recognisable as a Robert Swipe Show post so it didn't get any further - understandably. But get a load of THIS article in today's Grauniad....

Spooky, huh?

Which just goes to show that i-pod really does work in mysterious ways! And what's more, today's post could have been a helluva lot worse...

Anyways, in honour of His Holiness and to make it up to our patient readers, here's a big picture of Terri Hatcher..with legs!!




Love on y'all,



Bob





© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Linda Barker Feared Missing - Exclusive!!

Swipesters!

Fears are mounting that former Changing Rooms presenter and DFS advert star Linda has gone missing. The once ubiquitous TV glamour girl has not been seen on a TV screen for several months, fuelling suspicions that she may have been kidnapped or, in the worst case scenario, fallen down the back of one of the shoddy sofas she has urged millions to buy.



A gratuitous Anna Ryder Richardson in the processes of hoovering up her Changing Rooms co-presenter, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen...

Linda was last seen on British Television in an advert for electronic goods giant Currys 4 months ago. The sexy DIY expert came to national prominence when she won the Reality quiz show I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here! and her success in the jungle-based survival contest led to a stream of TV work, principally advertising crappy sofas and duff hi-fi gear. Although it is not unusual for television stars to take a sabbatical from our screens, not many are renowned for spending much of their careers perching precariously on the edges of shiny leather sofas. If the nightmare scenario turns out to be correct, it is possible that the scrumptious TV icon may have been trapped in a cramped and uncomfortable space without food or water for some time awaiting rescuers to pull her out, covered in dust balls and melted malteesers covered in hair.



A gratuitous Carol Smillie contemplates the ghastly thought that she may have been breaking wind above Linda Barker's head for the last 5 months...

A spokesman for DFS (Diabolical Fucking Sofas) has called for calm. "We understand people's concern, but there's no need for us to be unduly alarmed. All of our sofas come fitted with a stale sandwich and bottle of Highland Spring water down the back - as standard. Sure, if she has got stuck down there, it's going to be a bloody nightmare pulling her out. But we're sure that Linda's previous experience of surviving in the Australian Bush will stand her in good stead if the rescue effort is hindered by us not being able to get our hands through the gaps in the upholstery. And look on the bright side, things could be worse - at least she hasn't got that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen down there with her..."


If you you are concerned that Linda Barker may be tucked away down the back of your sofa, the Police have set up an emergency call centre charging premium rates.


Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Pentagon Reveals "Plan B" for Iraq.

Swipesters,

News reaches us today that in a desperate bid to shore up the troubled occupation of Iraq, The Pentagon will be restoring the Provisional Authority that governed the country in the immediate aftermath of the 2003 invasion. The US has given up on the elected Iraqi administration and has approached Seinfeld writer and Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David to take over the role previously held by Paul Bremmer.



The White House plans to send the deadpan comedian out to the troubled region later this month, in an attempt to salvage the botched operation to bring peace, democracy and stability to the country. David will be responsible for keeping a lid on the simmering sectarian tensions that threaten to plunge Iraq into a bloody civil war. "Larry's a great choice for a difficult role like this", claimed a senior White House spokesman. "For a start, he's a Jew - so there's no way he can be accused of siding with one faction over another (apart from Israel, obviously!) I think he'll be very even-handed over this. There'll be no Sunni this or Shi-ite that - they're all just crazy A-rabs to someone like Larry!"


'Curb Your Enthusiasm' star Cheryl Hines in gratuitous see-through midfriff shot controversy...


The appointment has been greeted with some concern elsewhere in Washington. Democrats are drawing attention to Mr. David's previous record and suggesting that the man is an accident waiting to happen. "This is just nuts!" claimed a senior Democrat source. "I mean, they couldn't have picked a worse man for the job, if you ask me. The guy just has to go out for a paper and all hell breaks loose. Remember the time he was put in charge of organising his wife's aunts obituary and it came out saying, 'beloved cunt' instead of beloved aunt? If he can louse up something as easy as that, what kind of mayhem will he cause in a nation on the brink of tearing itself apart? It just takes one off-colour remark or an ill-considered photo-op wearing a comedy turban or such like and the whole pace could go up. Is Larry David really the best man to unite a country that's falling apart at the seams?"



A totally gratuitous Joan Collins. Can you believe she's 72 years of age? Do you think she still, you know.....?

Senior White House aides, however, are more optimistic. "We've tried everything to bring the Iraqi people freedom and stability, but it just seems that whatever we do, the place is still a nightmare. In fact, at times, it's almost like watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry may well be a magnet for the worst possible outcome whenever he tries to do someone a good turn, but he couldn't really make matters worse than they already are, could he?"

The world waits in hope...



Love on y'all,



Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

"Rod Will Judge Me", Claims Unrepentent Smith - Exclusive!

Yo Swipesters!!




GMTV's Penny Smith last night departed the BBC's Just the Two of Us series bloodied but unbowed and claimed that only veteran rock singer Rod Stewart could be the ultimate judge of her performance. Dismissing claims by talentless midget Lulu and former Police drummer Stewart Copeland that she "sang like an out of tune arse full of shit", the determined television newsgirl vowed to continue with her singing career, despite UN fears that her painful vocalising could result in a bloody sectarian civil war.



Wavis O'Shave makes Anna Ford an offer she can't refuse...

"I may know shit-all about singing and make the sound of a herd of wildebeast being painfully put through a bacon slicer, but no bugger's going to stop me exercising my divine right to warble tunelessly along to T. Rex songs", claimed a defiant Smith. "Curtis and I are already working on my debut single, a cover of an obscure Wavis O'Shave song called Anna Ford's Bum, so shove that in your pipes and smoke it you bunch of tone-deaf arses," said Smith, with some feeling. "It's a bloody belter!" said a clearly demented Curtis Stigers, evidently beginning to feel the strain of his tempestuous and at times downright dangerous association with stunning the news journalist and yoga expert.



Wavis O'Shave makes Debbie Harry an offer she can't refuse...

Sources close to Rod Stewart were evasive, claiming that the singer hadn't even heard Smith's riotously unimpressive performances during the week long entertainment contest. "Rod's renowned for being as tight as a gnat's chuff. Do you really think he'd shell out over a hundred notes for a television license just to hear that tart caterwauling like a mange-ridden water buffalo with toothache? It's hard enough getting a drink out of him," said a spokesman for the frugal Scot.



Stewart: "How much!! Must be your round then..."

"Anna Ford's Bum by Penny Smith and Curtis Stigers is released from a secure lead container on Monday.

Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Why I Will Be Quitting The Blogosphere To Be The Long Blondes Driver - by Robert Swipe

Dear Swipesters,



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Gardeners' Question Time - With Kim Wilde!!!

Yo Swipesters!!

In a new monthly feature, we ask former diva of eighties synth pop turned glamourous horticulturalist Kim to answer all your gardening questions...


Mr. Demetrius-Gladiator from Blandford Forum writes:

"When Mrs. Demetrius-Gladiator and I are practicing intercourse en plein air, we tend to use an old tartan rug bequeathed us by the late Mrs. Demetrius-Gladiator senior as a ground covering in order to prevent unsightly grass stains and, in particularly muddy terrain, skidmarks from disfiguring our clothing. These can be particularly embarrassing as Mrs. D-G tends to lean towards the gossamer in her choice of undergarmentry - a soiled brief of scant opacity being the last thing one would wish to present to a classroom full of eagle-eyed children with special educational needs as one bends down in front of them to pick up a cunningly dispatched paper airplane from the classroom floor. However, whilst the blanket proves to be highly efficacious in terms of protecting see-through smalls from the ravages of the earthy English outdoors, it is becoming an increasingly irksome task to wash the blessed thing - especially as Mrs. D-G has entered a particularly prolific phase of her menopausal cycle and has been demanding open-air maintenance on an almost half-hourly basis. Can you recommend a more durable form of groundsheet, preferably one combining low maintenance with high durability and spiked sole resistance?"

Kim says:

"Well Mr. D-G, I can indeed recommend an alternative - although it's not a groundsheet. Mr. Wilde and I swear by a sex swing. They are particularly pleasant of a barmy summer evening, but they can also function as a useful outdoor sex location all year round. Just hop on and then ask Mrs. D-G to don a pair of my patented "Garden Tool Collection" gussetless pantyhose and pipe her on board! You'll never have to launder a ground sheet again! And don't forget that a few cunningly arranged creepers can help your swing double as an elegant pergola - an ideal shady spot for that post-coital pregnancy test and vapour rub! Happy swinging!"


Kim Wilde

xxx


Thanks Kimothy!


Love on y'all,



Bob






© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

43 Best Blogs - A Web Insurrection.

Yo Swipesters!!

Well, it's Friday again and as the working week lurches painfully towards its paralytic denouement, we here at Swipe Towers thought we'd liven up the proceedings with a little piece of web anarchy. That's right, we're coming out with all satiric guns blazing in our increasingly forlorn attempts to bring The Robert Swipe Show to the position of national prominence that you, our loyal and devoted readers, know it truly deserves (...and thanks to all three of you for sticking with us through all of this....we really can't tell ya....)

Once again, we have been overlooked in the latest compendium of the nation's best blogs. Are we downhearted? Well, obviously - but we ain't not gonna take it lyin' down no more, lady! In protest at this shocking oversight, we here at The Show have been taking part in a series of guerrilla style sorties in which we have been posting the following message in the comments field of the 43 (supposed) best blogs as a symbol of our refusal to accept this hideous hierarchy so at odds with the blogosphere's potential for random


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Beeb Accused of "Institutionalized Homosexuality" - Exclusive!!

The BBC is "almost endemically" homosexual. Its scheduling portrays gay and lesbian actors, actresses and presenters across a range of programmes, a report concluded, often leading to huge swathes of the television schedule in which it was impossible to see a straight person not behaving in an overtly camp and outlandish manner.



Norton: "Gay as a lord and Irish with it..."

Presenters such as Graham Norton, Dale Winton, and Stephen Fry were among those singled out in a study as being gay and prominently on television, pretty much all of the time. The report also found "low-level homosexuality" was institutionalised throughout factual and entertainment programming on the BBC, with many presenters such as Anne Robinson, Anthony Worral Thompson, Fiona Bruce, Huw Edwards and Matthew Kelly who were not actually gay but still behaved in a "highly arch, camp, homo-erotic-dominatrix, extrovert or, in the case of Edwards, Welsh fashion" in order to woo the "pink viewer". A monitoring exercise by researchers at the University of Leeds found that, during 168 hours of programming, 90.4 per cent of the output featured actors or actresses or presenters who were bent as a nine bob note.



Winton ties the knot - that's right, homosexuals can even get married to women now!! The bastards!!

Focus groups singled out the BBC as the worst broadcaster in terms of its reliance on gay men and women and issues surrounding them, such as the paucity of decent parking at Ikea and the state of Moira Stuart's hair. A spokesman for some organisation or other, said: "At a time when the BBC is seeking renewal of its charter, it is difficult to argue that 49.5 million straight households should be expected to continue making such a substantial contribution to channels on which their real lives are hardly reflected and which are often punctuated with derisive and demeaning depictions of them as people who are mocked purely because they choose not to stand around with their hands on their hips saying, "Ooh Everard" and "shut that door!""



Grayson looks at the muck in there...

The researchers watched 168 hours of programming on BBC1 and BBC2, broadcast between 7pm and 10pm over a period of eight weeks and found that Graham Norton and Michael Barrymore appeared in all but two of them. During that time, straight people, references to them, or related issues featured in just 38 minutes of coverage, of which 32 were deemed derogatory or offensive (but then, if they will watch Gardeners' World....) and just six minutes were deemed positive. Anne Robinson came in for special criticism, so it wasn't all bad news....



A completely gratuitous Cat Deeley poses for the first installment of Gilbert & George's "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash" tryptych....

The report said it was not unusual to hear the Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson favourably describing cars as handling "like a gaylord arsebandit bender after enough amyl nitrate to sink the Turpitz" - although a spokesman for the programme said that plans were afoot to to tone down his descriptions in the new series by giving him horribly slow and boring cars to review every week. Chris Moyles treated straight people "like zoo animals" - although as the survey pointed out, "in fairness, the man's a pointless prick who no one in their right mind should be paying attention to in the first place."



A couple of poverty-stricken old queens....


Focus groups of heterosexuals and bi-people said that when heterosexuality was portrayed in soap operas or dramas on the BBC, it was clichéd and centred on characters either in crisis about their sexual orientation or as promiscuous predators trying to seduce a gay person. Those straights who did feature were mostly played by gay actors who had never even so much as kissed a member of the opposite sex. Once their "coming out" or sexually orientated storylines were over, they were commonly written out. The report highlighted the case of Sonia, one of the few patently straight characters in Eastenders. Dowdy and completely devoid of charisma, she was not only forced into a brief and barely credible lesbian love scene with a gorgeous black woman despite having no back history of being interested in women sexually, but was also given the ridiculously stereotyped heterosexual hobby of playing along tunelessly to Miles Davis CDs on her trumpet.



Sonia: "That's right Martin, I kissed a bird. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to practice the solo from 'Freddie Freeloader'..."

Love on y'all,



Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Linda Smith - 1958-2006

...a group of us were watching the Euro 2004 final, which was won by Greece. As the Greek captain received the trophy, Linda said, "We'll have that in the British Museum by the end of the week claiming it's ours."

From Mark Steel's Obituary in The Independent

Rest in Peace.


Love on ya,


Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

There's a Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears he's Elvis!!

......he's there most evenings at The Rock 'n' Roe Fish Bar in the High Street. In his drainpipe suit, skinny tie and oversized glasses, he'll put the cheap Woolies karaoke machine on and sneer and snarl his way through a piscatorially adapted greatest hits medley:

(The angels wanna wear my)Red snappers
Cod's comic
(I don't want to go to) Chel-Sea bass
Oliver's mahi-mahi
Goon squid
Opportuna-ty
Clowntime is Dover sole
Fish 'n' chip paper
Brilliant Mist-Hake
Our little angel fish
Let him Angle

Before getting smashed on Pernod and picking a fight with a passing Ray Charles lookalikey over an unpaid for and half eaten gherkin. I swear, if I hear him warbling "...she, she may be the plaice I can't forget" one more time.....


Love on ya,




Bob

(Note: unfortunately, there is no web-based documentation - pictorial or textual - that I was able to trace of the Rock 'n' Roe Fish Shop, New Malden on which this piece is based. Patrons fortunate enough to have witnessed the owner (a one-hit wonder form the sixties) doing his star turn (a medley of rock 'n' roll classics performed in his own inimitable stylee - "we got skate, haddock and roe" to the tune of Shake, rattle and roll etc.) will, I trust, appreciate the parody. If anyone can furnish me with any more information concerning that venerable establishment, I would be eternally grateful....)




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Bob Swipe's Guide To Managing Your Finances - 2006 Edition...

Woah Swipesters!!

Regular readers will have been eagerly awaiting my annual how-to guide on investments and savings as we near the end of the financial year. Obviously, if you've got the odd 6 figure sum that's mysteriously landed into one of your offshore bank accounts, now is pretty much the time to get that lovely wedge of Mafioso moolah working for you before those bastards in the treasury (sorry Gordon!) start trying to get their grubby little hands on it. Well, wait no longer! Over the next few weeks, we'll be telling you the best way to maximise the yield on any £300,000 lump sum donated by the incumbent Italian Prime Minister for services rendered you might happen to have lying around the house you've just mysteriously re-mortgaged....

Our beginners pack includes:

+++ 1 six figure bribe for keeping schtum about all the other staggeringly huge bribes your mystery Italian benefactor had been making to other prominent Italian politicians!!

+++ Free mortgage advice enabling you to raise a £300,000 loan on your current property. Then use our easily applied for insider dealing ready-reckoner to calculate the best place to plant the loan in a high yield offshore bank account for a month!!

+++ Our easy to follow "pay off the mortgage you've just taken out with the money received in bribes from your mysterious Italian benefactor money laundering scheme". One simple transaction wipes out the paper trail of all your previous irregular financial dealings, provided you haven't been stupid enough to write a note to your accountant saying "this particularly large sum of money was received by me from the current Italian premier for telling lies in an Italian court to cover up his part in the biggest Italian bribery scandal in the glorious history of payola"

+++ One prominent New Labour MP wife who will bring all the experience of her 9 years of "whiter-than-white" integrity, probity and trustworthiness as part of the administration that promised to eradicate the sleaze of the tory years and stand by you as you fight your appeal case once the Customs & Excise have thrown the book at you!! (Provided she doesn't get the boot first, of course....

Don't take our word for it! These are just some of the names of those who have benefitted from Bob Swipe's Guide to Managing Your Finances in the past:



Mandy from Islington writes:

Bob helped me secure the loan for my sumptuous London residence. "Just use your position to allow a couple of fabulously wealthy Indian businessmen to enter the country and you'll be laughing all the way to the EU Commission", he said. I never knew that living wildly beyond your means could be so much fun! When it comes to the abuse of power, Bob's a girl's best friend - and I should know, ducky!




Bernie from Monaco says:

Bob told me to bung the lads at New Labour a bit of wedge and they'd tailor-make any piece of legislation I wanted to my own own personal needs. So I did!




David from Islington says:

Bob told me to buy buy buy Biometric technology shares then draft up a ludicrous ID card bill to maximise my revenue. It would have worked too if it hadn't been for those pesky right wing journalists I was shagging the arse off....



Bob Swipe's Guide To Managing Your Finances is available from all good retailers (well, The Stationary Office) Now!!



Love on y'all,




Bob











© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Film 2006

.....Miramax films....













in association with Good Housekeeping Magazine.....








.....with the participation of the London School of Home Economics....





.....proudly present.....





Anthony Worral Thompson......










as Don.....






......Gordon Ramsay......










......as Gal......






......Delia Smith....







....and Nigella Lawson













.....as "the two birds".....







...with special guest appearance by Ainsley Harriott.....













....as "Aitch"......






in an Egon Ronay film.......












SEXY BISTRO.....









Gal Dove thinks he's escaped from his former epicurean lifestyle as he savours retirement in the Costa de Sol greasy spoon he has bought with his ill-gotten gains. But Don Logan has other ideas and plans to coax and cajole Gal into just one more 5-star maitre-d service......


Gal: "Phwooaaar - this kitchen's sweltering...scorching...roasting...."

Don: "I know, I'm sweating like a cunt"

Gal: "...reminds me Don...ere, put these parsnips in to sweat on a low heat for 15 minutes will yer?"

Don: "I will in a minute when I 'ave a piss"

Gal: "Well, just make sure you wash your hands after....and try not to piss all over the carpet again...."

"Aitch": "Yeah, I'm not eating stuff cooked by someone with pissy fingers..."

Don: "Aitch, behave I'm paying for your meal"

"Aitch: "I was just saying, like, Don..."

Don: "Is your middle name ungrateful or what?"

Gal: "...are these scallops ready to go in yet, Don?"

Don: "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

Gal: "I was only asking....."

Don: "I find this astonishing"

Gal: "What's that, Don?"

Don: "Is this a fuck off Gal?"

Gal: "No, Don - it's an artichoke. Fuck knows how you cook it though...."

Don: "You ever watch that Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares programme, Gal?"

Gal: "No, Don. Any Good?"

Don: "I like it..."

Gal: "Why's that Don?"

Don: "It's the sheer fuckoffness of it all"




At a restaurant near you, from Friday....





Love on y'all,



Bob





......."That lump of shit said that?"



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Cheslea Girls!!!!

Yowser Swipesters!

Like many of you, I was rent with grief and anguish in the wake of Cheslea's ignominious defeat at the hands of those dirty cheating dago grease balls from Catalonia during the week. No way, Jose! You certainly was robbed by the theatrical diving of a certain diminutive Argentinian who shall remain nameless (...although, count your blessings Jose - at least the young rascal spent most of the game hitting the ball with his feet and not his mitts this time!!) Still, as the faithful along the King's Road will know, it ain't over 'til the female Brian Blessed impersonator sings, and as I write, she ain't even started to squeeze into her incontinence corset yet!

Anyways, I felt that those sporting and humble blues fans needed a little pick-me-up after the humiliations of Wednesday night and so, in association with Peter Kenyon Enterprises, we have put together a little behind the scenes insight into just what it is that keeps a smile on the faces of those poorly-paid artisans who have struggled against adversity to make Cheslea the pre-eminent force in British football. That's right, like Annie Lennox and Aretha before me said, behind every big man, there has to be a big woman - and that goes for you too, Shaun Wright-Philips! So, we are proud to introduce you to the ladies behind some of the biggest players in world football. Believe me when I tell you there are some real belters here to whom I wouldn't mind slipping a sliding tackle or two into myself! And to think most of us thought those boys in blue were all mincing, namby-pamby little arse bandits with wrists as limp as a soggy Old Trafford prawn sandwich....

Edie Sedgwick (AKA Mrs. Frank Lampard):



Edie started her career as left back for little known New York Division Two strugglers Queens Park Rangers. She is best known for her previous fling with Duluth legend Bob Dylan who is believed to have dedicated his song "Visions of Johan Cruyff" to her. "Ain't it just like the night to play tricks while you're trying to remove the third Adidas stripe from the sleeve of your shirt..." he sang, lovingly. Edie met Frank at a pro-celebrity badger baiting tournament in Berkshire and the two have been inseperable since. "She's a great little mover, with a terrific left peg and if it wasn't for the fact that she's the missus, I'd swear she was a cheap lowdown hooker with a substance abuse problem the size of the national debt!", beamed the England midfielder from his bedside vigil at the Priory.

Nico: (currently dating William Gallas)



Nico, or "The Kaiser" as she is known in her native Bavaria, is one of the most imperious players the game has ever known. Credited with inventing the modern libero role, Nico made her debut in the 1966 German national side that went on to lose to England in the final, before skippering her team to victory on home soil in 1974. Famous for her unusually high squad number - "she's number 37, take a look" - and elegant passing game, Nico still has close ties with former club side, Bayern Munich where she is a regular visitor to the home dressing room, and often helps to revitalise flagging players during the halftime interval with her own inimitable suction technique.

Ivy Nicholson: (currently stepping out with Arjen Robben, Eider Gudjohnson, Petr Cech and Steve Clarke)



Daughter of Tottenham legend Bill, Ivy brought disgrace and penury upon herself when she announced to her shocked parents that she was leaving home to become an Arsenal fan. Cut out of her father's will when the Gunners emulated their North London rivals by doing the double in the 1970/71 season, she nonetheless endured the largely bleak and trophyless 80s to be rewarded with a famous last minute of the season Chamionship win at Anfield in 1989. The recent success of her team under Arsene Wenger - they have won three league titles, four FA Cups and played some of the most exhilarating football anywhere on the planet during the Frenchman's reign - has done little to build bridges between the estranged family members. "I hope she dies in a Munich-style plane crash, the Arsenal scumbag", said her father via a full page advert in the Angling Times - a sure sign that at long last their frosty relationship is beginning to thaw a little.


Candy Darling: (current beau of handsome centre back John Terry)



What do you give the man who has everything? Well, if it's a female impersonator you're looking for, there are few finer than Mr. Danny La Rue. Sadly though, the experienced old Dame has lost a couple of yards of pace over the last few years and is easily turned by pacy wingers with a trick or two up their sleeves or a threat to phone the police if the sad old queen doesn't leave their cubicle immediately. Fortunately, the rise and further rise of young understudy Candy Darling has meant a seamless transition from reserve level to the first team for the plucky left back. Darling has filled La Rue's size 13 high heeled boots so well this season that there are many who would now give the younger man the nod over her more experienced team-mate. Sexy blocker Terry knows he lucked out when he hooked up with the agile wingback in the back of a seedy alley after a prolonged drugs, drink and aggro binge in London's West End. "I like to keep things tight at the back", said the England stopper, "and Candy's back passage is about as tight as you can get within the laws of the game. He'll roast you for pace as well, if you're not careful - which is handy, because that's about all we do when we're not training, playing video games or getting blasted off our bonces on high quality South American stimulants at 4 o'clock in the morning...."

Best of British to all our sides in the return legs - we'll be rooting for you!



Love on y'all,


Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Keeley Saying Something!!

Yowser Swipesters!!


Each week, we give British screen siren Keeley Hawkes a platform on The Show from which to spout her extremely forthright (and often downright offensive!) opinions. This week, Keeley will be venting her spleen over the state of the NHS. Over to you Keeley - get it off your chest, lady!!

Fuck my old boots!! What a right old bollocks up that


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in....

Yo Swipesters!!

Each week, we ask that lovable comedy duo, eroticist Rowan Pelling and Chris Martin from Coldplay to discuss their highly pressurised lifestyles. This week, the


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Limbless - the diary of an anonymous London girl with only one leg....

Come home to find The Bodie rewatching one of his infernal 70s cop shows. I'm thinking, if he doesn't change out of that smelly old leather jacket he got from the Princess Alice shop he's history. Still, he's got the cutest hair cut. "Alright bitch?" He demands, grabbing me towards him passionately and causing me to bash my stump on the arm of the settee. I'm like, "Yeah, not bad. And how's your self, you baity old cunt?" as he starts to fondle my scar. As we get down to it, I can hear my mobile rattling on the dining table. Probably a text from the hottie who sits opposite me on the tube. He's always sending me obscene (and highly improbable) boasts about what he's going to do to me down there with his prosthetic nose, a jar of ginko and a quart of gobstoppers. "Promises, promises", I text back as soon as I'm able to get The Bodie to dismount (not as easy as it sounds if, as today, he's got his belt buckle tangled up with one of my caliper straps). "C U @ 7.30". I'm thinking, this is terrible, going behind the Bodie's back like this. But I know what I'm like. If I don't get my one good leg over at least 6 times a night, I'm shot to pieces the next day and it plays merry hell with my concentration. What with it being Sudoku fortnight at the Community Centre, I can't afford to take any chances. Besides, he'll be grateful for the chance to get down the Fat Ox for a swift half and a round of cribbage with Doyle. Is it really worth all the guilt, breaking the heart of a seventies heartthrob gone-to-seed like this? Is that a price I'm really prepared to pay? Proving myself the mistress of oriental logic puzzles in the Women-under-thirty (Amputees) section, purely in order to improve my chances of winning an all expenses paid day trip to Skegness? I wonder, as I hop off to my tryst, if there'll be any of those nice black and white stripey humbugs.






Love on y'all,



Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Ask Mariella - An Apology...

Howdy Swipesters,

Well, we were hoping to give you another helping of advice from our ever-popular agony aunt Mariella Frostrup but, guess what? She's just rung in to say that - yup, you guessed it, she can't come to work for the next three months as she's - to quote her - "heavy with child" and faxed this photo in "to prove it"....




Now howdaya like that? The broad sits on here overpaid rump all day wagging her overpaid pinkie at teenage harlots who've got themselves up the duffer at 12 after one too many alcopops at the local Conservative club - and now I gotta stump up 6 months worth of maternity payments and get her back, dowdy and plump and stinking out the office with the reek of sour milk and baby vom, a tired wreck of her former self...

Anyways, we rang around a few folks we figured might be at a loose end and fortunately, help was at hand in the sleek, lithe, elegantly smalled and defiantly non-fecund form of our old favourite - Miss Dita von Teese!!




Dita kindly agreed to take Mariella's seat - after we'd cleared away the crumbs, stains and various preganancy testers and fertility enhancing appliances wedged down the back of it, obviously - and here's her first tilt at advising the confused and vulnerable of the parish - take it away Dita!

Thanks Bob.

Charles from Balmoral/Windsor/Cornwall/Highgrove writes:

Dear [Dita]

One is frightfully miffed at the way one's correspondence is being leaked to those bastard newspapermen at every turn. Nick bleeding Witchell is bad enough, coming around one's holiday gaff at all hours when one is trying to levitate. But this lot from the fourth estate really are a frightful shower. One just can't abide the thought of one's deeply held and sincerely argued opinions - on every subject from GM foods to re-introducing some of the lesser known old Royal Navy traditions such as the daisy chain beard weave or She-man corsetry - becoming public property. One ends up bracing oneself for a barrage of innuendo and mockery. Remember, one is the heir apparent - apparently - so one shouldn't be held up to the cynical scrutiny of every sink estate philosopher from Penge to Cricklewood. Besides, don't they know it's a lonely old life at sea? One implores you - can't anything be done about this absolute travesty. Can't one put 'em in the tower?


Needle Nardle Noo,



Neddy


Dita says:

Aaah come oif it ya cockamamie credin. Whaddaya expec'? Mailin' ya 'privade' ledders ta every Tom, Dick an' Henriedda an' den moanin' an' bitchin' cos dey en' up in da papers! Ged real jug ears and ged back ta ya organic hair weaves an' quid whingin' willya??


Why-yi-youghdda!!!


Dita

xxx



Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises