Be My Wife...

I get a text from Ronnie Wood - he's had a new lease of life since Rod Stewart loaned him his Freedom Pass. It reads thusly:

oi oi swipey! Go 2 www.russianbride.com - u'll l.u.v. it!cheers - r

I can't make out a word of the text - it's all in Russian, obviously - but the visuals.....blimey! Remember Stalingrad? Believe me, you won't after a couple of hours browsing these Babooshkas!!

Anyway - long story short - I must have clicked the wrong button or something because, as well as a voucher for a free online subscription to Arsenal's home fixtures until the 2013/14 season, the other morning I found *this* on my doorstep:

Oh sure - she's *fun* alright! Cleaned me out of Stolichnaya and cheesey wotsits, mind - so another online shop is looming. They'll bankrupt me one day, Ocado. On the plus side, Olga won't let me lift a finger around the house; always cooking, cleaning and mopping the floor...when she's not "otherwise engaged", obviously. So, on the whole, I'm feeling rather like Michael Caine in Alfie; "...it makes a lovely bit of apple crumble...carm on gel - get in that kitchen and give me dumplings a prod...they're like bladdy tennis balls...nar, where's me crumpets gorn.." and all that.

So it was not a complete disappointment to discover from my legal advisor that the small print of the terms and conditions I must inadvertently have clicked in order to view more images like this... or something similar in Russian... means I won't be able to get an annulment until 2057/unless I'm prepared to appear in person before a nominated Belarussian magistrate to hand over 40,000 roubles in cash. And prepared to hand our first-born over to the authorities of the former-Soviet Republic. So it looks like I'm stuck with her. Fair play to the lass though - she is hung like a *stallion*...

Oh well, easy come...

L.U.V. on ya,

Bob