The World Cup in more headlines...

Captain Biko!!!

Praise in liberal circles as Stevie Gerrard reveals a prominent tattoo of the former South African freedom fighter Steve Biko beneath his captain's armband...'The eyes of the world are watching now,' pronounces the England skipper before solemnly chanting 'Keela maja, like - the man us dead, eh?' for several hours...

Nelson Riddle!!!

Will Mr Mandela be appearing at the opening ceremony and, if so, will he be visible behind Archbishop Desmond Tutu's shirt???

Vickery in a Tutu!!!

Mass confusion at the opening ceremony as England rugby union star Phil Vickery is caught on camera attempting to enter the charismatic clergyman. 'I thought he was an impala...' pleads the combative prop forward lamely as he's given an unceremonious going over by security officials on the way to the airport. 'What was he doing there in the first place??? splutters Richard Littlejohn in the Mail, 'the Rugby world cup was 13 years ago!!!'

Township Dive!!!

Red top fury as Bastian Schweinsteiger's theatrical tumble in the box helps eliminate England from the last 16. 'A name like that writes its own headlines...' croaks a distraught Fabio Capello, punching a nearby springbok in fury.

Nelson Widdle!!!

Anger in America as former president Mandela is caught by cameras, pitchside, attempting to emulate DaMarcus Beesley's infamous touchline emptying of the bladder. 'Clearly the senile old fucker should be in a home' rants President Obama, adding fuel to the flames in the wake of the recent BP oil slick fiasco during which he's alleged to have called the Queen 'a rancourous old cunt'...


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The World Cup in headlines...

Boer draw!!

England struggle in goal-less opener against USA

Rand-y scouse git!!!

Tabloids weigh into Wayne Rooney's attempts to cash in by ppning up Soweto the squad'st grab a granny night to Hello! Magazine photographers...

Roo-noceros!!!!

England teeter on the brink as their feisty striking talisman is gored during a rest & relaxation break to a national safari park

Veldt in Motion!!!

Sun's readership quadruples with the addition of the former poet Laurete to their team of pundits....

More to follow, no doubt....

Hanging Chads...

You can tell a lot from a teamsheet, can't you? Aside from a handful of dull old Tims, Michaels and Jonathans, the USA team that plays England on Saturday will be a joyous riot of New World energy and democratic informality: Clints, Brads and Landons will rub shoulders with Joses, Carloses, Ricardos and even the occasional Herculez. Marcus, DaMarus Beasley, Demerit et al will link arms with Benny Feilhaber, Josmer Altidore and Steven Cherundolo. Will the pitch even find room for Oguchi Onyewu, Carlos Bocanegra *and* (my favourite) Edson Buddle? Doubtless there are a million future Chads and Thads and Brads lining up behind their awesome battalions of Soccer Moms - and 'Soccer' isn't even their number one game.

And up against them will be our Johns and Franks and Joes and Robs and Waynes and Glens with only Jermaine and (God, how unlikely it sounds!) Emile to add any hint of the exotic depths of the brave new England!