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Wednesday, 11 June 2008

The Kids Are Alright...

As I've probably mentioned in these pages before, there's more to being a Glam Icon than having a knack for a tune you can tap your toe to and mincing around looking utterly fabulous in a razored Ben Sherman shirt and a pair of 70 denier body shapers. Picture, if you will, a swan. At first glance, it glides effortless and serene over the water, a vision of poise and grace; the aloof and elegant prima donna of the riverbank (unless of course there's a Canada goose within a 1/4 mile radius of one of its cygnets in which case they can turn bloody nasty and would peck your goolies off as soon as look at you...) But take a closer look beneath the surface and you'll see those little legs paddling away like the clappers, as frantic and deranged as a dwarf on a 10 foot high unicycle being hunted down by a division of Panzer tanks. And so it is with glamness. It doesn't just magic there - it takes a whole lot of grit, detetrmination, hard work and a frig of a lot of foundation and Kohl pencils.

But despite the huge amount of dedication, effort and time involved in presenting this gorgeous vision of voluptuous loveliness to the world each morning, I pride myself on always making time wherever possible to help those less fortunate than myself - and I don't just mean my recent collaboration with Frank Ferdinand either! But seriously, I like to put a little back into the society that made me such a wonderful, scintilating, sumptuously delectable creature, so it was with huge pride and no little eagerness that I agreed to take part in a fantastic new initiative aimed at helping some of the country's most underprivileged kids.

Obviously, it's a pretty grim time to be growing up for many youngsters. Urban decay blights our inner cities and we've left a hideous legacy of rundown, often non-existent social services and ameneties in the worse off areas of the UK. This means that many kids have fewer and fewer opportunities to escape the confines of their bedrooms, leave their wi-fi enabled laptops and expensive PS2 video game consoles behind and escape into the great outdoors where they can spend a few precious hours vandalising the local handicapped kid and texting their mates stood three or four feet away on their all-singing-all dancing WAP mobile phone/MP3/video players. It really is grim out there, especially as they'll likely as not be moved on by the police for being binge drunk and off their mashes on bath crystals cut with Omo before they've had a chance to knife one another into intensive care.

So, when Sir Ian Blair asked me to front an extensive new advertising campaign to warn kids of the perils of attempting to cross the road without first looking left, then right, then left again, I hardly need to tell you that I jumped at the chance - at least I did once I'd established that there'd be a fairly hefty appearance fee and subsequent merchandise tie-in option, obviously.

It's a fairly light shooting schedule, thankfully - well, I've just come out of a gruelling period of rehab and solvent de-tox that's involved me having several litres of fresh blood transfused at high altitude and a punishing daily thinner and turpentine colonic regime, so the nerves are a little delicate to say the least. The costume leaves a lot to be desired - flourescent lime green does somewhat tend to emphasise my facial cellulite and really doesn't go with my eyes at all. But it's free publicity *and* I get to keep the silver-sprayed biker gloves and spangly cummerband! There are hardly any lines to learn, so if you'll excuse me I'll just be off to perfect the inflection of the campaign's catchy three word slogan:

"Ready, Steady, Cook...."

Erm, no that's not it...

"Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am...?"

Hang on, the script's here somewhere...

"Stand and deliver??"

"Knees up Mother Brown???"


L.U.V. on y'all,





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