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Wednesday, 31 May 2006




........NO Deeley???

The choice is yours.....

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Scott Walker's Indispensable Guide to FIFA World Cup 2006!!

Yo Swipesters,

That's right - what a scoop! We've lined up former 60s pop idol Scott Walker, currently enjoying a fresh spell in the hit parade with his groovy new LP
The Drift, to bring you all the news, action and analysis in the run up to and during this summer's footballfest in Deutschland. Scott will bring his unique insights to bear on all the main talking points of England's World Cup campaign. Should Sven persist with the 4-1-4-1 system? Is Rooney going to play a part in the proceedings at any point? Can England win the World Cup with a Spurs player in goal? Tune in over the next few weeks and Scott will be here with all the answers and much, much more...

To start our series, Scott will be analysing the statistics from last night's friendly against Hungary. Take it away Scott!

Hi, I'm Scott Walker and this is my view of last night's England v. Hungary world cup warm up game played at Old Trafford.

England seemed to take a while to settle into their new 4-1-4-1 formation with Michael Owen looking off the pace and Steven Gerrard seeming particularly uncomfortable in his new role as a split striker playing 'in the hole'. However, a stern teamtalk from England's wily Swedish coach saw a second half transformation with Gerrard scoring with a well-placed header from a well worked set-piece routine delivered by captain David Beckham. A similarly well executed delivery saw centre back John Terry double the advantage with a bravely taken header, his first goal for his country. However, slack defending by substitute Owen Hargreaves, on for the impressive Jamie Carragher saw Hungary pull one back with a well taken snap shot from this is how you disappear, foot knee shaggy belly famous hind legs shutting down here, shutting down here...Copenhagen you're the end, gone and made me a child again....In the Port of Amsterdam there's a sailor who drinks...

Scott's tactics board:

England's set piece routines proved to be the difference between the two sides:

Scott says: "Hungary fail to marshall their defence as Gerrard, coming from deep, gets on the end of a cross from Plastic Palace Alice - she steals her cards tomorrow deals with deafening despair. ONE-NIL!"

Come on England!!


Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Tuesday, 30 May 2006

Larkin Around!!!

Another fun-filled half hour with Britain's finest madcap Poet.

Raining again.....

Shitty weather. Not fit for bloody animals. More strikes. Don't know why we bother. And I ripped my trouser leg with a bicycle clip in that stupid bloody churchyard. Bloody pissflaps to it all.

Came home to find that bloody Tara Fitzgerald sprawled out on the bed in her naughty knickers again.

After a shag, as per. Bloody women. Oh, it's alright at the time. But then there's the bit after it - that's what I can't stand. The humiliation. The sense of shame. The tawdriness. The vague feeling that one has been slightly soiled as hopeful expectations are dashed on the cruel rocks of bitter experience. Still, if she will force me to wear her bloody negligee while I'm on the job, what does she expect?

Finally got rid of her with a promise to dedicate my next slender volume to her. "To Tara - thanks for the good pokeing. You went like the clapers - P.L.", she dictates. She might be a wizard in the sack but she can't spell for bloody toffee. Eventually I get to sit down with a nice cup of Rosie only for the bloody racket to start up next door. San-bloody-tana - 'Samba pa ti'! Bloody foreigners. Why can't they play a nice bit of trad. for a change??

Sod the lot of yer!


Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Friday, 26 May 2006

Tanya Beckett and Sophie Raworth Are STILL Waiting for Godot..........

TB:, Soph. Seriously, do you think England can win the World Cup this time?

SR: Nah.

TB: What makes you say that?

SR: ...Too many centre halves, too many midfielders and not enough strikers, Tans.

TB: What about Michael Owen?

SR: Well, a fit Michael Owen and I might give them a prayer, but he's hardly kicked a ball in anger this year. There's no Rooney and with Sven preferring the impossibly young Theo Walcott to Jermaine Defoe and lolloping clothes horse of a striker Peter Crouch expected to partner the diminutive star of France '98 up doesn't exactly inspire confidence now, does it?

TB: .....but look at the players who ARE fit - Lamps, Becks, Stevie G., Ash, Tezzer, Rio - it's a formidable squad you have to admit Soph....

SR: Look Tans, you can have the best players in the world, but if the manager's about as adventurous as a timid librarian on a crash course in dithering, then they might as well book the first plane home. And McLaren's just as bad.

TB: ....OK, OK, I know they didn't get a kick even against 10 man Brazil when they went out last time and he's not exactly Malcolm Alison in the sartorial stakes, but you have to admit he's been bold enough to play Rooney from the start and he's prepared to take a gamble on Walcott. Maybe this time things'll be different....

SR: Yes, and maybe Huw Edwards will pay off my Barclaycard,whisk me off to Bermuda, lick champagne off my quivering limbs before delivering me to heaven in a 12 hour marathon of oral dexterity...

TB: Well, miracles do happen Soph....Desiree, surely you've got something positive to say about our boys' chances in Germany this summer...

Desiree: No way, Hosannah. I'm with Blondie. The manager's not up to it and they'll fold as soon as they come up against a good side in the knockouts. Quarters at best...

TB: Thanks for nothing, D.

SR: Now, let's have no more of this football nonsense Tans - look, you've even pinged your 'lastic again. Those hold-ups'll be round your ankles in no time..

TB: Oh Pee!

SR: Come on young ladies - let's get back to our flower arranging and leave the lads to worry about that silly game.

TB: Ah Soph, you're so right. I really don't know why I let it get to me so much. I mean, it's not as if I particularly LIKE football. It's just so boring sitting here all day, filled with existential ennui waiting for Godot......who never bloody well comes. I suppose you're right - let's practice on these.

SR: Oh Tans, they're lovely! Where did you get them?

TB: Sally Army again. They never learn - just whipped 'em while I was pretending to solicit the Sergeant Major! He's probably still lying in that alleyway where I left him, blindfolded and waiting for someone to take the Cornetto out...

SR: Thanks Tans - I'll go stick them in some water. Honestly, this Godot - what's he like??? Oh well, suppose I'd better stick the kettle on......minty choc drinks all round girls??

ALL: Mmmm hmmmm!!

Love on ya'll,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Wednesday, 24 May 2006

The Ever-popular "Bands Made up of People With the Same Name as the Real Band Members But Who Would Never Really Be in a Band" Game.....

This week:







...and as a special treat for all you Human League fans out there.....

.....Norman!! (For all you young whippersnappers out there, Norm's the one on the left in the sailor suit....)

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Surrealist Country Music Hall of Fame...

Kenny Rogers!!!!!!....

....and Dolly Parton!!!!!!!!!!...



"....Combine harvester Ivanhoe rectum Gandolph pyjamarama lip suede coriander velcro spin Jedediah lymph gland septuagesema resus chair bland watermelon wrist strap concubine flea market don't believe the hype Rumpole genocide Freeman Hardy & Willis spoon Garribaldi pancake cypher ammonia Beijing State Circus contrapuntal nemesis Bjorn Borg nipple clamp artificial insemination haemoglobin tintinabulation left bank save it for later cornflake Rameses III Ikea artichoke dolphin plectrum face-pack gibbon Rin Tin Tin if I ruled the world bloater fish sandwich Harry Worth menstrual Fontainebleu Carrie doesn't live here anymore plinth....."

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Tuesday, 23 May 2006

The Ever-popular "Bands Made up of People With the Same Surname as the Real Band Members But Who Would Never Really Be in a Band" Game.....

This week.....


Morrissey - voice....

Marr - guitars, pianos, harmonica....

Rourke - the bass guitar....

Joyce - the drums.

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Doctors Agree to Talk to Patients as War Against Complementary Medicine Hots Up...

Wooooaaah Swipesters!!!

Hot news is filtering in from our Health correspondent that Doctors are getting serious in the battle against 'cranky' new-age therapies as the surgical gloves come off in the war against New Age Medicine. Speaking from a urine soaked trolley in a crumbling brand new PFI funded hospital, our undercover reporter Condoleeza Salinedrip

filed this shocking expose:

It's a sad and depressing sight. Doris Hinkelman has lived with an arthritic hip for the last 15 years. The plucky 78 year old from Billericay is stoical as her GP, suave in his black roll neck sweater and medallion under a sharp Gucci suit puts her under. It will only be 5 minutes before she emerges, at the click of his fingers, from the deep trance Dr. McKenna has lulled her into. During this submersion, Mckenna will murmur his primeval incantations such as, "there's nothing wrong with your hip, you daft old biddy" and "just be thankful you don't live in Lesotho - you'd have been ground down to cattle feed by now. Now stop moaning and get on with your life or I'll have your pension book off you and report you to the Social Services for being a senile old racist." And with that, Doris puts her clothes back on and hobbles through the crowd that has formed around her in the reception area, reassured, if not completely cured. Paul Mckenna retires to his surgery, a quarter of a million pounds to the good. These are the winners and losers in the New Labour health lottery.

This is just one example of the alarming ways in which 'complementary' medicine has been draining the coffers cash-strapped void at the heart of the NHS. Things have got so bad that proper Doctors are being given emergency training in talking to their parents as if they were actually human beings in attempt to cling on to their 'clients', for fear of losing valuable customers for their expensive array of prescription drugs. Some have even enrolled in calligraphy courses. The drift away from conventional multi-national drug corporation-sponsored medicine is most alarming in the poorest communities. Here shiny new hospitals built from the flimsiest materials by companies with profits built into their contract are leased back to the community once completed in the hope of preventing the tide of disillusioned patients from visiting the local Holland & Barrett in pursuit of a quicker and more efficacious treatment. But these extreme measures still appear not to be enough. Some patients have even taken to giving up their routine of binge drinking and chainsmoking. Some have even gone so far as to occasionally consume fruit or vegetables in their attempts to avoid the clutches of qualified Healthcare Professionals.

But what can be done? I asked one GP if he could see a day when his surgery would be emptied completely, his patients lured away by the charms of the scantily-clad reflexologist or the Traditional Chinese Herbalist and his exotic Tiger's penis broth Lumbago cure. "Fuckin' hope so. I hate the smelly bastards", was his bitter reply.

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Monday, 22 May 2006

Bono Pledges Own Arse to Aid Famine Relief.

Yo Swipesters!!

Great news for the poor and unremittingly tearful children of Africa!

Bono with African tribesman during the infamous Zoo TV tour.

Pop legend and renowned Irish ironist,

"Thou shalt not kill is a command, not a request....ain't that right George?....)

Bono, distraught at his failure to persuade the House of Representatives not to cut President Bush's projected $3 billion increase to HIV/AIDS aid in Africa (they voted for a $2.5 billion cut in the budget), the highly credible and influential (well, Keane have obviously listened to him) singer has come up with his own plan for the ill-starred country. Stung by critics who suggest that his cosying up to greed-driven billionaires in the hope of achieving a slight amelioration of Africa's woes, Bono has offered to put his own backside on the table in future aid budget negotiations. The hope is that it will feed a significant portion of the vast country's starving population and thus enable existing food aid budgets to make up the shortfall in retro-virus drug expenditure. "If they can have a good tuck into the old gluteous maximus for a few weeks, then hopefully we'll be able to flog a few million bags of the surplus corn back to the yanks and maybe scrape up a few bob to trade with the multinational drug corporations and really get something done about HIV/AIDS in Africa. Obviously, the old mud flaps are a fairly bountiful supply and should keep several thousand villages alive for three to four weeks in the hope that by that time we can get Stephen Fry over. But they won't last forever and the sooner we can get these people to be self-reliant, the better."

The singer has also criticised local superstitions and the failure of education to stop the spread of the disease. "Some of these witch doctor fellas are a bit barmy, wouldn't you say? They think that by putting a lion's paw on someone's exposed liver they can get the evil HIV demons to go away and all sorts of nonsense like that. It's hard enough for us without having to contend with all these medieval old wives tales. I mean, Jesus, Joseph and Mary and all the blessed saints - why can't they just shove a muffler on the old boner and save us all a heap of trouble..."

The ambitious plan has been criticised from some quarters - most notably the Vegetarian Society. Stephen Fry was unavailable for comment.

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The BBC Presents......

The one to watch....

An ordinary high street in Cardiff....

...Quiet, insular, populated by Welsh people. Just another average day in the principality....but wait....what's this???

....and this????

...and this and this and this...??????

Only one man can save Wales from the the evil, twisted mastermind

bent on securing world domination for his heartless breed....

A strange whooshing noise ushers in a familiar sight......

Yes, this is a job for.....

Doctor Huw!!!!!

.......and his lovable dog of a companion.........


Love on y'all,


(p.s. grateful thanks to Ma Swipe for the inspiration. She's the funny one!!)

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Friday, 19 May 2006

The Professor.

Every week, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger OBE deconstructs a famous text or philosophical treatise. This week, Samuel Beckett's play, Endgame....

Widely regarded as Samuel Beckett's finest and funniest play, Endgame was famously produced on the stage here in London starring Michael Gambon, Lee Evans, Liz Smith and Geoffrey Hutchings.

The world is coming to an end. Beckett's 1957 dark comedy finds the blind, bullying Hamm (Gambon) and his shambling, idiotic servant Clov (Evans) trapped in a strange room. Along with Nagg (Hutchings) and Nell (Smith) - Hamm's parents who live in a pair of dustbins - the 'Servant' and his 'Master' pass the time toying with the hopelessness of the situation, all along sensing the inevitability of their end. I felt we started brightly, although with the pressure of the big game, I feel perhaps Nagg and Nell were a little bit cagey, offensively and the sending off changed the game completely. We seemed to tire a little bit in the final third, the extra man began to tell - but that is football. Obviously, we showed tremendous character after the sending off and, I would say, if Nell had not been hampered by the dustbin, she may have been a little bit harder to beat at the near post. We go back to Colney and we will work at it - I feel the quality is there to do well in this team. And if we can get Henry out of the dustbin, next year? Who knows....

Love on ya Gooners everywhere,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Monday, 8 May 2006

Billie Piper at the Gates of Dawn....

".....I friggin' hate these early starts....."

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Wednesday, 3 May 2006

The Brand Spanking New Betty Page Page Page!!!

That's right Swipesters!!

After the overwhelming success of the Brand Spanking New Betty Page Page,

we were so inundated with comments that we just HAD to give our besotted readers a Betty Page Page Page of their own!

Here's what our readers of the Brand Spanking New Betty Page Page have been saying:

"Wow, like, the broad has , like some good tits. I wouldn't throw her out of the saddle for all the barley in Nantucket" Steeple Randersthorn, Wyoming.

"Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck...dang it, ma sta-presstz!" Wilbur Curmudgeon, Utah.

"Hey dollface, you using them legs or can I practice on 'em for a while. You will KNOT forget me in a hurry!!" Pleebus Condoleezacunt IV, World & European Knot Champion, level III, 1973-1986.

"Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck, hyuck, hyuck....WILMA!!!!!!!!!!" Spittoonald Cankerrabbitmittenwalader, North Carolina.

That's just a small sample of some of the incomprehensible obcsenity we've received from you over the last 24 hours.

Keep 'em comin'!!!!!

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Brand Spanking New Betty Page Page!!

That's right Swipesters!!

A whole page given over to the adorable Grand Mistress of all Pin-up Models - Miss Betty Page!!

Isn't she a belter?!?!?!

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Prunella Frock's World of Fashion

Hi, I'm Pru Frock.

And you may find yourself
Living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself
In another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

And you may ask yourself...

....How in Dang Nation am I gonna get my ass out of this Dang tyre without the whole God dang world spying my flaps????? (I knew I should've worn jeans...)

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises