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Friday, 20 August 2004

Diana, Princess of Wales fountain

Mass jubilation here at Swipe Towers at news of the re-opening of this blessed symbol of all that was once fine and noble in the British aristocracy. Built for in excess of £3 million, the former nanny-to-the-rich-and-dopey's memorial is, in reality, an algae covered death trap for the young and mentally deficient - thousands of whom will be pouring forth from every corner of the nation to coo over this monstrous slab of sloppily finessed concrete. Of course, £3 million is a small price to pay for the eradication of several thousand educationally subnormal Diana worshippers and their foul spawn. But the cost is due to spiral upwards to the tune of £250,000 per annum as, in a gesture of political correctness gone barmy, the powers that be have decided to deploy scores of storm troopers to stand guard over the feeble-minded and youthful visitors who risk imminent extinction caused by excessively exuberant paddling. In addition, the 'beautiful' faux-marble surface of the 'monument' has had toddler-/twat-friendly grooves chiselled into it at even greater cost to the Diana, Princess of Wales-and-all-that-is-holy Trust -more commonly refered to as "the Taxpayer". The fountain was also beset by an increasingly slimey surface, unusual in a water-filled receptacle, stood in the open air close to other ecosystems and exposed to photosynthesis assisting light - although strangely appropriate to its subject. Curiously, the fountain has been adopted by a verminous strain of super algae which has, within mere weeks, transformed the fountain into Kensington and Chelsea's own watery equivalent of the grand luge. In order to make the fountain safe for would be royal-adoring paddlers/assorted numbskulls, the p.t.b. have turned to an organic solution for this slippery problem - presumably at the request of the Prince of Wales. He can be forgiven for thinking he will never hear the last of that bloody woman - and how richly ironic that she be commemorated by such a "bloody great curbuncle". Rather than bombard the algae with anthrax, agent orange or air to surface missiles, a school of commando Koi carp will be unleashed at night to hoover up the offending green slime, before being returned to their expensively assembled, gold encrusted fish tanks where they will swim in champagne and be fed oysters by scantily clad mermaids....I made that last bit up, but would anything surprise us where that bloody woman and her 'legacy' are concerned? Legacy? Tab more like.



Thursday, 12 August 2004

The "War on Terror"

Not going very well, is it? I mean we've had a few incidents in the far east, Turkey and the Middle East and of course the Madrid catastrophe. Then there have been rumours of Islamic fundamentalists poised to wreak havoc in Luton and Wembley and of course 600 or so arrests of potential terrorists in the UK - although only 6 of them had given any real cause for concern. We even had someone working here at Swipe Towers who was arrested under the Prevention of Terrorism Act - although why he'd put "blowing up western infidel scum as part of a worldwide jihad in the name of Allah" down as one of his interests, I'll never know. No major attacks on the US mainland post 9-11 - although there was a local father and son team who at least had a go. But, aside from the above and the odd dodgy video clip of dire warnings from OBL made in between dialysis sessions, really this "War on Terror" has been a bit one sided, hasn't it? I mean you could hardly call al-Quaeda as commited to the cause as the Coalition, could you? In terms of casualties and strategic territorial advantage, they're just not in it, are they? Apart from the odd foothill in between Pakistan and Afghanistan and most of Saudi Arabia, they're just not on the map, are they? Whereas we've got Kabul, Baghdad and a few of its outlying suburbs almost under control - and the massive oil fields and pipelines of the region are all under 24 hour guard. They may have taken out a few hundred of our lads, but we've killed literally thousands of them - many of them fiendishly masquerading as innocent civilians. I mean, if this was WWII and we were the Allies and they were the Axis powers, we'd have reached Berlin in about 4 hours, presuming you'd had the equivalent of EuroStar back then - although there could well have been delays caused through having to change at Bruxelles I suppose. No opposition at all from the axis of evil though - relatively speaking. OK, so they made a good start, but you'd have to say, on balance, that since about 13th September 2001, it's really been all Coalition, hasn't it? Which really begs the question, should we be fighting a "war on terror" at all? Wouldn't Britain be a much safer place if we fought, for instance, the "war on Rail Track" instead?

Crisis in Darfur

Thanks for all your responses to the previous posting. Obviously many of you were very concerned about the situation in Sudan - particularly in the Darfur region (not Dafur, BBC please note. And it's 'Arsenal, not Arensal. Please sort it out or I'll have to start referring to the Corporation as the BCB....) Obviously, I'm very pleased that I've been able to alert my readers to a particular aspect of the crisis which has hitherto gone unreported, but I must reluctantly stress that it is not the purpose of this site to administer aid to the region, and I will be unable to distribute the helpful materials you've donated, regardless of how needy the intended recipients may be. So please, no more knitting needles.

Wednesday, 11 August 2004


Another day wasted. 7 hours Shuttling between the website of Spanish daily and Real Madrid mouthpiece, La Marca and the Grauniad Ulnimited's Football talk forum for an end to the Vieira nonsense. Just about worth it for the pitiful automated translations, I suppose:

"33 million euros are the price that finally is going to cost the crossing of Patrick Saw Real Madrid. The agreement seems total and only lack that the advice of administration of the Arsenal gives o.k. to the agreement at which the leaders have arrived from both clubs after the conversations maintained in the last weeks. Altogether, nine million less than what the Arsenal requested and three more than what offered Madrid. The presentation can be carried out east Friday or at the beginning of the next week."

Please let it be over by 'east Friday'.

Still, more intelligible than the Grauniad posters. (Half expect someone to butt in with "shoulders on that" Swipey). Something peculiarly sexy about the whole thing though - chat rooms, that is, not the Vieira business. For some reason, I have developed a virtual crush on Helen6613. I don't know if it's the matronly tone, the husky drawl I've attributed to her words or the the foul-mouthed smutty innuendo and graphic sexual propositioning of her postings - but there's definitely something there. I've always been prone to witty, intelligent women - or, at least I've always assumed that's what has attracted me to Princess Michael of Kent for all these years. Maybe the blog/forum/chatroom format encourages this. Helen may well also be a delectabe siren with the body of Elle MacPherson and the boots of Naomi Cleaver - but it doesn't matter. Can't you see it's your mind I've fallen for, 6613??? It's always the same people on every thread though, isn't it? On everything from 'Should Sven be sacked' to 'Can they still knit in Darfur' it's the usual suspects: Paranoidman, Pintoo, Swalsh, CodeViolation, FlunkySoulBrother - I feel like I know them all. I'm not sure if I'm more astounded by the breadth of their interests - yachting, Glyndebourne, taxidermy, Greco-Roman sculpture, goats etc. - or by the fact that there are other people in the world other than me who seem to do nothing but read what BenSawBridge has to say about Arsene Wenger's transfer options in a potential Vieira-less future. Or whether Dame Kiri has the gravitas to tackle Tosca. Or something about goats. And here is where I go all Carrie Bradshaw on y'all - "Is work the new unemployment?" ... "Is Vieira the new Galctico?"..."Is knitting catching on in the Sudan?"...... Discuss!

Love on y'all,