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Friday, 3 September 2004

Impulse Goddess - an apology

After consultation with my attorney, I have agreed the following statement:

"It has been pointed out to me that recent comments in my blog concerning the launch of the Impulse Goddess campaign to aid the Teenage Cancer Trust are liable to cause embarrassment and unnecessary harm to the reputations and feelings of some of those who have unselfishly come forward to aid a very good cause. I hereby apologise unreservedly for any harm or upset I may have caused and would like to state that such an outcome was never my intention. I am also aware that celebrities such as Tamara Beckwith do not enjoy being refered to as "Tamara Fuckwit" and I would like to state an oath to the effect that I will never publicly refer to her as such again, ever. Similarly, I accept that she does play a very useful role in society and deeply regret having suggested that she be euthanased. I would also like to take this opportunity to state, categorically, that none of the following people have offered their services to the campiagn with anything but the highest and most noble motives:

Kelli from Liberty X
Holly Valance, singer
Leah Wood, Ronnie Woods's model daughter
Tamara Beckwith, LA celebrity it-girl
Gail Porter, TV presenter
Lisa Scott Lee, ex Steps
Hayley Evetts of Pop Idol fame
Fearne Cotton - TV presenter
Sam Taylor Wood, artist
Beverly Knight, singer
Margherita Taylor, Capital Radio DJ and TV presenter
Beth Orton, US singer
Elize du Toit, Izzy from Hollyoaks

Furthermore, I would also like it to be recorded that my offer to buy Ms. Gail Porter a property in Thailand was made in jest and that my comments were not, are not and should not be taken to be in any way legally binding. Equally, I am now aware that Hayley Evetts performed with distinction in the television series Pop Idol and can now see that this is indicated clearly by the use of the phrase "of Pop Idol fame". Lastly, I would like to clarify that I have never shared sufficient intimacy with Ms. Fearne Cotton that she should be able to know what I look like first thing in the morning and I will unreservedly agree with her attorneys' contention that such an occurence would not be likely "in a million years or when hell freezes over - whichever is the longest". And, yes, I do know that cancer is an awful illness and yes I am trying to find more constructive ways to put my free time to use." The statement ends.

Boolean Logic - Google Search of the Month

Greetings Swipesters! Due to unprecedented interest in yesterday's posting, I've been literally overwhelmed with enquiries for more Fearne Cotton/fabulous TV sex goddess info. So, never one to shirk hours and hours of futile internet surfing even when there are a thousand and one more important things to do - most pressingly, stopping George W. Bush - I expertly tapped Fearne+Cotton+goddess into a google search and - lo and behold! I came up with this fascinating tidbit of information and a great idea for a new monthly feature all in one go:

Impulse, the UK's favourite body fragrance, is calling for all young women to summon their inner goddess with the launch of its new fragrance range: Impulse Goddess.
To celebrate the inner power and beauty of Goddesses, Impulse has joined forces with a number of female celebs - modern day Goddesses - and Teenage Cancer Trust to auction funky, limited-edition t-shirts emblazoned with empowering Goddess mantras.

Amazing what lengths people will go to for charity, non? The eye still moistens a little when I dwell on the efforts these real-life goddesses are making while you sit there at home surfing the net for soft porn titilation - Shame on you, George! So, I know you're keen to read on. Here are the poetic mots justes ripped from our heroines' heaving breasts (steady George!):

Celebrity Goddess Expressions

Kelli from Liberty X

Nice approach there, Kelli. Acronyms always catch my eye when paradin' down the high street.

Holly Valance, singer
"There's a funky Goddess in every girl..."

So true, so true. And she sings too, apparently...

Leah Wood, Ronnie Woods's model daughter
"Goddess - Smile and the whole world smiles with you"

You truly are a model daughter, Leah. Let's hope the Woods's appreciate you.

Tamara Beckwith, LA celebrity it-girl
"Every Goddess wears lashings of lipgloss"

Only an LA celebrity it-girl could have put it .....dangit, I'm lost for words...

Gail Porter, TV presenter
"Love being a woman and you will be a Goddess"

Makes me want to buy you a holiday home in Thailand, you've moved me so Gail.

Lisa Scott Lee, ex Steps
"Every Goddess needs a God to worship her"

Or, a god perhaps, Lisa? We don't want those Christian fundamentalists taking you to task now, do we? Or you really will be an ex Steps.

Hayley Evetts of Pop Idol fame
"Go on be yourself, ignite the goddess in you"

Yes, "Go on, go on, go on", as Mrs Doyle would surely concur. Hayley seems to have her head screwed on - anyone have any idea who she is?

Fearne Cotton - TV presenter
"Hairy Legs, big pants, chipped nail varnish = Still a Goddess"

Ah, Fearne! How true, how true! I can almost believe that you've seen me first thing in the morning. Would that it were so....

Sam Taylor Wood, artist
"A goddess is not a bit of fluff..."

Point taken, Sam!

Beverly Knight, singer
"I think...therefore I am a goddess..."

Cartesian dualism has never seemed quite so sexy, Bev.

Margherita Taylor, Capital Radio DJ and TV presenter
"Only handsome princes need apply..."

It's in the post Margherita - Margherita? don't mind if I do! (I bet you hear that one all the time, eh Mags?

Beth Orton, US singer
"Live as you dream"

Asleep? Or in bed? Tell us which, Beth, pleeeaaaase!

Elize du Toit, Izzy from Hollyoaks
"A Goddess is...being yourself"

Wise words from one so young, Elize. Elize - now that'd make a nice name for a perfume, wouldn't it?
So, there you have it. I hope you all feel thoroughly ashamed of your selves for whacking one off over young ladies who have so much else to offer society than being plain wank-fodder. To make amends, you can help save lives by ordering a shed-load of the following from all good stockists:

Impulse Goddess product range will include:
- Goddess Body Fragrance - 75ml GBP2.19
- Goddess Aerosol Anti-perspirant Deodorant - 150ml GBP2.09
- Goddess Roll-On Anti-perspirant Deodorant - 50ml GBP1.59

Next month's google search: "suspender belt"+divas

Twickenham Fine Ales - an apology

Regular visitors to this site will be aware that I like to see the best in people. In this world of multi-national corporations and increasingly powerful agro-businesses, of fat cats and downsizing, I like to see a more natural, human scale encouraged in commerce and production. It's a big guys' world out there so, as many of you know from previous postings, I like to try to give the little guy a hand. That's why on my blog, you'll often see links to new businesses every now and then - I try to pick one at random from recently established business and website lists I get sent, if I have the time. It's an occasional service, informal and just one of those happy coincidentals of living in the global village that I can sit here in DC and help someone back in the old country. So, I was pleased to receive the following comment from the D.M. of Twickenham Fine Ales, one such company whose link has appeared recently on this site:


Very off-subject I'm afraid.I just found your link to Twickenham Fine Ales on your main page. I'd like to thank you as I'm the MD of the company and we need all the publicity we can get. We hope to be brewing very shortly.

Cheers,[name witheld for legal reasons]

PS send me an email if you'd like to know more.

OK. Nice to have some feedback, thanks for the thanks and, in short, a good deed done and everyone happy. So you'd think. Now, this communication was fresh in my mind when I started to post yesterday, and as you may have read in that posting, I thought perhaps I could do a little bit more for the company - here I refer you to the words "and we need all the publicity we can get" and I'm quoting from the above communication from the company's D.M. So, in a spirit of gentle fun, I thought that anyone who'd read the above comment (as anyone reading this site would have been able to - I don't hide your comments away, this is an open page, God Bless America, land of the free etc.) would see the humour in the "we need any publicity we can get" followed by the immediate response in my blog, spuriously linking a site which anyone with a modem and a PC can click on, anywhere in the world without the need for a corporate sponsor, even one as omnipresent as TFA. I'm sure most of you stateside would have gotten the joke, n'est pas? Not very funny? Perhaps not. Maliciously motivated and desirous of impeding the development of a fledgling company? Most certainly not. Yet this is the response to yesterday's posting I've just gotten from TFA:

Please be aware the Twickenham Fine Ales does not sponsor this site or have any connections with

Please cease and desist from making these suggestions.

So, there you have it. I am and I will.

I would just like, for legal reasons, to reiterate the view expressed in the previous quotation by the D.M. of Twickenham Fine Ales and apologise for any misunderstanding which has been caused by my postings. It has crossed my mind to remove the link to TFA from my site altogether in order to completely avoid any further embarrassment falling upon the company through my well-intentioned, though seemingly misguided attempts to give them a little helping hand. This may still be the outcome - pending legal discussions - as I have no intention of wasting valuable posting time fighting a long and acrimonious courtroom battle over the respective rights to free speech and freedom to link which would obviously lie at the heart of any case. If it comes to that, I'll just delete it and act like the whole thing never happened - I have no pride, even when I am persecuted for acting decently and thinking of others. However, I feel that if we can return to the status quo anti, normal relations between this blog and TFA may resume. I would like to think that the interests of the large volume of my readers who would enjoy that company's products should be paramount. To this end, the link remains and this apology is tendered. The rest, TFA, is in your hands. As far as I'm concerned, the matter is closed.

One last point on this post. I'm getting pretty stirred up by the ingratitude of some of my readers. I mean, do you think it's easy coming up with this stuff? I'm just a regular guy, who works for his pay check like most of you guys out there. I do this to try and bring a little bit of fun and laughter into the world after a hard day's slog working for the man. And what do I get? Shit from you guys is what. "Ooh, not as funny as Wednesday's Bob"...."Hey, Bob...what's with all the Brit T.V. in-jokes and sexism shit?" "Oooh, I think you've gone a bit too far there Bob"....Like, Oooh, I'm real scared of offending people. Not. Do you think this stuff just magics up here? You know, I mean there's all this crazy stuff happening in the world and like our phones are getting tapped and we've got a genocidal nazi in the White House who's letting the National Guard take their truncheons to young women in NYC and you guys are like ..."Hey, Bob, what's the bitch about Lady Di...she was pretty cool" And I'm like - "Getthe****outtahere!"

So, you bunch of pathetic losers - f*** you! No more favours, no more leg ups, no more Mr. Nice Guy. F*** your petty middle class morals. You try to do the right thing and it get thrown back in your face. Well, not anymore...........

Friday, 20 August 2004

Diana, Princess of Wales fountain

Mass jubilation here at Swipe Towers at news of the re-opening of this blessed symbol of all that was once fine and noble in the British aristocracy. Built for in excess of £3 million, the former nanny-to-the-rich-and-dopey's memorial is, in reality, an algae covered death trap for the young and mentally deficient - thousands of whom will be pouring forth from every corner of the nation to coo over this monstrous slab of sloppily finessed concrete. Of course, £3 million is a small price to pay for the eradication of several thousand educationally subnormal Diana worshippers and their foul spawn. But the cost is due to spiral upwards to the tune of £250,000 per annum as, in a gesture of political correctness gone barmy, the powers that be have decided to deploy scores of storm troopers to stand guard over the feeble-minded and youthful visitors who risk imminent extinction caused by excessively exuberant paddling. In addition, the 'beautiful' faux-marble surface of the 'monument' has had toddler-/twat-friendly grooves chiselled into it at even greater cost to the Diana, Princess of Wales-and-all-that-is-holy Trust -more commonly refered to as "the Taxpayer". The fountain was also beset by an increasingly slimey surface, unusual in a water-filled receptacle, stood in the open air close to other ecosystems and exposed to photosynthesis assisting light - although strangely appropriate to its subject. Curiously, the fountain has been adopted by a verminous strain of super algae which has, within mere weeks, transformed the fountain into Kensington and Chelsea's own watery equivalent of the grand luge. In order to make the fountain safe for would be royal-adoring paddlers/assorted numbskulls, the p.t.b. have turned to an organic solution for this slippery problem - presumably at the request of the Prince of Wales. He can be forgiven for thinking he will never hear the last of that bloody woman - and how richly ironic that she be commemorated by such a "bloody great curbuncle". Rather than bombard the algae with anthrax, agent orange or air to surface missiles, a school of commando Koi carp will be unleashed at night to hoover up the offending green slime, before being returned to their expensively assembled, gold encrusted fish tanks where they will swim in champagne and be fed oysters by scantily clad mermaids....I made that last bit up, but would anything surprise us where that bloody woman and her 'legacy' are concerned? Legacy? Tab more like.



Thursday, 12 August 2004

The "War on Terror"

Not going very well, is it? I mean we've had a few incidents in the far east, Turkey and the Middle East and of course the Madrid catastrophe. Then there have been rumours of Islamic fundamentalists poised to wreak havoc in Luton and Wembley and of course 600 or so arrests of potential terrorists in the UK - although only 6 of them had given any real cause for concern. We even had someone working here at Swipe Towers who was arrested under the Prevention of Terrorism Act - although why he'd put "blowing up western infidel scum as part of a worldwide jihad in the name of Allah" down as one of his interests, I'll never know. No major attacks on the US mainland post 9-11 - although there was a local father and son team who at least had a go. But, aside from the above and the odd dodgy video clip of dire warnings from OBL made in between dialysis sessions, really this "War on Terror" has been a bit one sided, hasn't it? I mean you could hardly call al-Quaeda as commited to the cause as the Coalition, could you? In terms of casualties and strategic territorial advantage, they're just not in it, are they? Apart from the odd foothill in between Pakistan and Afghanistan and most of Saudi Arabia, they're just not on the map, are they? Whereas we've got Kabul, Baghdad and a few of its outlying suburbs almost under control - and the massive oil fields and pipelines of the region are all under 24 hour guard. They may have taken out a few hundred of our lads, but we've killed literally thousands of them - many of them fiendishly masquerading as innocent civilians. I mean, if this was WWII and we were the Allies and they were the Axis powers, we'd have reached Berlin in about 4 hours, presuming you'd had the equivalent of EuroStar back then - although there could well have been delays caused through having to change at Bruxelles I suppose. No opposition at all from the axis of evil though - relatively speaking. OK, so they made a good start, but you'd have to say, on balance, that since about 13th September 2001, it's really been all Coalition, hasn't it? Which really begs the question, should we be fighting a "war on terror" at all? Wouldn't Britain be a much safer place if we fought, for instance, the "war on Rail Track" instead?

Crisis in Darfur

Thanks for all your responses to the previous posting. Obviously many of you were very concerned about the situation in Sudan - particularly in the Darfur region (not Dafur, BBC please note. And it's 'Arsenal, not Arensal. Please sort it out or I'll have to start referring to the Corporation as the BCB....) Obviously, I'm very pleased that I've been able to alert my readers to a particular aspect of the crisis which has hitherto gone unreported, but I must reluctantly stress that it is not the purpose of this site to administer aid to the region, and I will be unable to distribute the helpful materials you've donated, regardless of how needy the intended recipients may be. So please, no more knitting needles.

Wednesday, 11 August 2004


Another day wasted. 7 hours Shuttling between the website of Spanish daily and Real Madrid mouthpiece, La Marca and the Grauniad Ulnimited's Football talk forum for an end to the Vieira nonsense. Just about worth it for the pitiful automated translations, I suppose:

"33 million euros are the price that finally is going to cost the crossing of Patrick Saw Real Madrid. The agreement seems total and only lack that the advice of administration of the Arsenal gives o.k. to the agreement at which the leaders have arrived from both clubs after the conversations maintained in the last weeks. Altogether, nine million less than what the Arsenal requested and three more than what offered Madrid. The presentation can be carried out east Friday or at the beginning of the next week."

Please let it be over by 'east Friday'.

Still, more intelligible than the Grauniad posters. (Half expect someone to butt in with "shoulders on that" Swipey). Something peculiarly sexy about the whole thing though - chat rooms, that is, not the Vieira business. For some reason, I have developed a virtual crush on Helen6613. I don't know if it's the matronly tone, the husky drawl I've attributed to her words or the the foul-mouthed smutty innuendo and graphic sexual propositioning of her postings - but there's definitely something there. I've always been prone to witty, intelligent women - or, at least I've always assumed that's what has attracted me to Princess Michael of Kent for all these years. Maybe the blog/forum/chatroom format encourages this. Helen may well also be a delectabe siren with the body of Elle MacPherson and the boots of Naomi Cleaver - but it doesn't matter. Can't you see it's your mind I've fallen for, 6613??? It's always the same people on every thread though, isn't it? On everything from 'Should Sven be sacked' to 'Can they still knit in Darfur' it's the usual suspects: Paranoidman, Pintoo, Swalsh, CodeViolation, FlunkySoulBrother - I feel like I know them all. I'm not sure if I'm more astounded by the breadth of their interests - yachting, Glyndebourne, taxidermy, Greco-Roman sculpture, goats etc. - or by the fact that there are other people in the world other than me who seem to do nothing but read what BenSawBridge has to say about Arsene Wenger's transfer options in a potential Vieira-less future. Or whether Dame Kiri has the gravitas to tackle Tosca. Or something about goats. And here is where I go all Carrie Bradshaw on y'all - "Is work the new unemployment?" ... "Is Vieira the new Galctico?"..."Is knitting catching on in the Sudan?"...... Discuss!

Love on y'all,