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Friday, 3 September 2004

Impulse Goddess - an apology

After consultation with my attorney, I have agreed the following statement:

"It has been pointed out to me that recent comments in my blog concerning the launch of the Impulse Goddess campaign to aid the Teenage Cancer Trust are liable to cause embarrassment and unnecessary harm to the reputations and feelings of some of those who have unselfishly come forward to aid a very good cause. I hereby apologise unreservedly for any harm or upset I may have caused and would like to state that such an outcome was never my intention. I am also aware that celebrities such as Tamara Beckwith do not enjoy being refered to as "Tamara Fuckwit" and I would like to state an oath to the effect that I will never publicly refer to her as such again, ever. Similarly, I accept that she does play a very useful role in society and deeply regret having suggested that she be euthanased. I would also like to take this opportunity to state, categorically, that none of the following people have offered their services to the campiagn with anything but the highest and most noble motives:

Kelli from Liberty X
Holly Valance, singer
Leah Wood, Ronnie Woods's model daughter
Tamara Beckwith, LA celebrity it-girl
Gail Porter, TV presenter
Lisa Scott Lee, ex Steps
Hayley Evetts of Pop Idol fame
Fearne Cotton - TV presenter
Sam Taylor Wood, artist
Beverly Knight, singer
Margherita Taylor, Capital Radio DJ and TV presenter
Beth Orton, US singer
Elize du Toit, Izzy from Hollyoaks

Furthermore, I would also like it to be recorded that my offer to buy Ms. Gail Porter a property in Thailand was made in jest and that my comments were not, are not and should not be taken to be in any way legally binding. Equally, I am now aware that Hayley Evetts performed with distinction in the television series Pop Idol and can now see that this is indicated clearly by the use of the phrase "of Pop Idol fame". Lastly, I would like to clarify that I have never shared sufficient intimacy with Ms. Fearne Cotton that she should be able to know what I look like first thing in the morning and I will unreservedly agree with her attorneys' contention that such an occurence would not be likely "in a million years or when hell freezes over - whichever is the longest". And, yes, I do know that cancer is an awful illness and yes I am trying to find more constructive ways to put my free time to use." The statement ends.

Boolean Logic - Google Search of the Month

Greetings Swipesters! Due to unprecedented interest in yesterday's posting, I've been literally overwhelmed with enquiries for more Fearne Cotton/fabulous TV sex goddess info. So, never one to shirk hours and hours of futile internet surfing even when there are a thousand and one more important things to do - most pressingly, stopping George W. Bush - I expertly tapped Fearne+Cotton+goddess into a google search and - lo and behold! I came up with this fascinating tidbit of information and a great idea for a new monthly feature all in one go:

Impulse, the UK's favourite body fragrance, is calling for all young women to summon their inner goddess with the launch of its new fragrance range: Impulse Goddess.
To celebrate the inner power and beauty of Goddesses, Impulse has joined forces with a number of female celebs - modern day Goddesses - and Teenage Cancer Trust to auction funky, limited-edition t-shirts emblazoned with empowering Goddess mantras.

Amazing what lengths people will go to for charity, non? The eye still moistens a little when I dwell on the efforts these real-life goddesses are making while you sit there at home surfing the net for soft porn titilation - Shame on you, George! So, I know you're keen to read on. Here are the poetic mots justes ripped from our heroines' heaving breasts (steady George!):

Celebrity Goddess Expressions

Kelli from Liberty X

Nice approach there, Kelli. Acronyms always catch my eye when paradin' down the high street.

Holly Valance, singer
"There's a funky Goddess in every girl..."

So true, so true. And she sings too, apparently...

Leah Wood, Ronnie Woods's model daughter
"Goddess - Smile and the whole world smiles with you"

You truly are a model daughter, Leah. Let's hope the Woods's appreciate you.

Tamara Beckwith, LA celebrity it-girl
"Every Goddess wears lashings of lipgloss"

Only an LA celebrity it-girl could have put it .....dangit, I'm lost for words...

Gail Porter, TV presenter
"Love being a woman and you will be a Goddess"

Makes me want to buy you a holiday home in Thailand, you've moved me so Gail.

Lisa Scott Lee, ex Steps
"Every Goddess needs a God to worship her"

Or, a god perhaps, Lisa? We don't want those Christian fundamentalists taking you to task now, do we? Or you really will be an ex Steps.

Hayley Evetts of Pop Idol fame
"Go on be yourself, ignite the goddess in you"

Yes, "Go on, go on, go on", as Mrs Doyle would surely concur. Hayley seems to have her head screwed on - anyone have any idea who she is?

Fearne Cotton - TV presenter
"Hairy Legs, big pants, chipped nail varnish = Still a Goddess"

Ah, Fearne! How true, how true! I can almost believe that you've seen me first thing in the morning. Would that it were so....

Sam Taylor Wood, artist
"A goddess is not a bit of fluff..."

Point taken, Sam!

Beverly Knight, singer
"I think...therefore I am a goddess..."

Cartesian dualism has never seemed quite so sexy, Bev.

Margherita Taylor, Capital Radio DJ and TV presenter
"Only handsome princes need apply..."

It's in the post Margherita - Margherita? don't mind if I do! (I bet you hear that one all the time, eh Mags?

Beth Orton, US singer
"Live as you dream"

Asleep? Or in bed? Tell us which, Beth, pleeeaaaase!

Elize du Toit, Izzy from Hollyoaks
"A Goddess is...being yourself"

Wise words from one so young, Elize. Elize - now that'd make a nice name for a perfume, wouldn't it?
So, there you have it. I hope you all feel thoroughly ashamed of your selves for whacking one off over young ladies who have so much else to offer society than being plain wank-fodder. To make amends, you can help save lives by ordering a shed-load of the following from all good stockists:

Impulse Goddess product range will include:
- Goddess Body Fragrance - 75ml GBP2.19
- Goddess Aerosol Anti-perspirant Deodorant - 150ml GBP2.09
- Goddess Roll-On Anti-perspirant Deodorant - 50ml GBP1.59

Next month's google search: "suspender belt"+divas

Twickenham Fine Ales - an apology

Regular visitors to this site will be aware that I like to see the best in people. In this world of multi-national corporations and increasingly powerful agro-businesses, of fat cats and downsizing, I like to see a more natural, human scale encouraged in commerce and production. It's a big guys' world out there so, as many of you know from previous postings, I like to try to give the little guy a hand. That's why on my blog, you'll often see links to new businesses every now and then - I try to pick one at random from recently established business and website lists I get sent, if I have the time. It's an occasional service, informal and just one of those happy coincidentals of living in the global village that I can sit here in DC and help someone back in the old country. So, I was pleased to receive the following comment from the D.M. of Twickenham Fine Ales, one such company whose link has appeared recently on this site:


Very off-subject I'm afraid.I just found your link to Twickenham Fine Ales on your main page. I'd like to thank you as I'm the MD of the company and we need all the publicity we can get. We hope to be brewing very shortly.

Cheers,[name witheld for legal reasons]

PS send me an email if you'd like to know more.

OK. Nice to have some feedback, thanks for the thanks and, in short, a good deed done and everyone happy. So you'd think. Now, this communication was fresh in my mind when I started to post yesterday, and as you may have read in that posting, I thought perhaps I could do a little bit more for the company - here I refer you to the words "and we need all the publicity we can get" and I'm quoting from the above communication from the company's D.M. So, in a spirit of gentle fun, I thought that anyone who'd read the above comment (as anyone reading this site would have been able to - I don't hide your comments away, this is an open page, God Bless America, land of the free etc.) would see the humour in the "we need any publicity we can get" followed by the immediate response in my blog, spuriously linking a site which anyone with a modem and a PC can click on, anywhere in the world without the need for a corporate sponsor, even one as omnipresent as TFA. I'm sure most of you stateside would have gotten the joke, n'est pas? Not very funny? Perhaps not. Maliciously motivated and desirous of impeding the development of a fledgling company? Most certainly not. Yet this is the response to yesterday's posting I've just gotten from TFA:

Please be aware the Twickenham Fine Ales does not sponsor this site or have any connections with

Please cease and desist from making these suggestions.

So, there you have it. I am and I will.

I would just like, for legal reasons, to reiterate the view expressed in the previous quotation by the D.M. of Twickenham Fine Ales and apologise for any misunderstanding which has been caused by my postings. It has crossed my mind to remove the link to TFA from my site altogether in order to completely avoid any further embarrassment falling upon the company through my well-intentioned, though seemingly misguided attempts to give them a little helping hand. This may still be the outcome - pending legal discussions - as I have no intention of wasting valuable posting time fighting a long and acrimonious courtroom battle over the respective rights to free speech and freedom to link which would obviously lie at the heart of any case. If it comes to that, I'll just delete it and act like the whole thing never happened - I have no pride, even when I am persecuted for acting decently and thinking of others. However, I feel that if we can return to the status quo anti, normal relations between this blog and TFA may resume. I would like to think that the interests of the large volume of my readers who would enjoy that company's products should be paramount. To this end, the link remains and this apology is tendered. The rest, TFA, is in your hands. As far as I'm concerned, the matter is closed.

One last point on this post. I'm getting pretty stirred up by the ingratitude of some of my readers. I mean, do you think it's easy coming up with this stuff? I'm just a regular guy, who works for his pay check like most of you guys out there. I do this to try and bring a little bit of fun and laughter into the world after a hard day's slog working for the man. And what do I get? Shit from you guys is what. "Ooh, not as funny as Wednesday's Bob"...."Hey, Bob...what's with all the Brit T.V. in-jokes and sexism shit?" "Oooh, I think you've gone a bit too far there Bob"....Like, Oooh, I'm real scared of offending people. Not. Do you think this stuff just magics up here? You know, I mean there's all this crazy stuff happening in the world and like our phones are getting tapped and we've got a genocidal nazi in the White House who's letting the National Guard take their truncheons to young women in NYC and you guys are like ..."Hey, Bob, what's the bitch about Lady Di...she was pretty cool" And I'm like - "Getthe****outtahere!"

So, you bunch of pathetic losers - f*** you! No more favours, no more leg ups, no more Mr. Nice Guy. F*** your petty middle class morals. You try to do the right thing and it get thrown back in your face. Well, not anymore...........