Breaking news just hitting the wires would suggest an astonishing turn of events in the impending trial of Lord Janner. The ageing peer of the realm has been controversially called to stand trial for alleged child abuse dating back to the 1960s. Despite the protestations of innocence of Lord Janner and his family, the peer's lawyers appeal against his being tried for the alleged offences on the grounds of poor health and dementia was recently overturned despite their being strong evidence that he is a member of the House of Lords. However, this traditionally strong indicator of poor mental health bordering on pyschotic insanity was dismissed by magistrates and so, on pain of arrest, Janner has been forced to attend initial hearings where, with alarmingly suspicious alacrity, he was able to answer yes to his own name. It recently came to light that he has also been suffiently mentally agile to fiddle his expenses for the past 2 years despite having previously testified to being unable to distinguish his own faeces from an airfix model of a Lancaster bomber.
In light of the mounting evidence of an attempted cover-up and potential miscarriage of justice should it transpire that Janner is no more insane than any other member of the political establishment, his choice of 1960s crooner turned avant garde bete noire Scott Walker as his defence lawyer is guaranteed to raise eyebrows, not least in the legal profession. "It's either an incredibly canny double bluff on Janner's part or he really is as loopy as a box of tadpoles", opined human rights lawyer Michael Mansfield QC. "Obviously, if I was looking for a brief who could supply silver throated harmonies to a gossamer-fine melody and soar above the gothic baroque of a quintessential dark sixties pop arrangement, Walker would be my go-to guy. But I fear he may be criminally exposed in the cut and thrust of the law court - especially if he pulls any daft stunts like whacking a pig's carcass with a drumstick or spending three weeks talking in a Mickey Mouse voice like he did on his last LP...."
In a tersely worded statement, Janner's new advocate outlined the bare bones of the case for the defence...
"The harbour kitchen ratchets up a crimson vestibule of mawkish rectitude and spinning rams the dog's leash sawdust billows of the prowling VOLE SPEW VOLE SPEW VOLE SPEW. Arachnophobe."
The case continues on Monday...
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