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Thursday, 7 July 2016

Scott Walker's Indispensable Guide to the Tory Leadership Election!!!...

Nice to have a little light relief yesterday from all the Brexit hoo-ha, however brief, with the long-awaited unveiling of the Chilcot Inquiry report completely dominating the day's news coverage. Didn't it feel great for once to be talking about a country needlessly plunged into chaos and civil war, left without civilised leadership and ultimately taken over by psychopathic lunatics that *wasn't* the UK? Sadly, today throws us straight back into the tumult of the post-Brexit fallout as that wonderful old British institution the Conservative and Unionist party seeks to find a new leader, one whose future role will no doubt be to oversee the gradual break up of the UK and the dismantling of whatever of the nation's institutions they were supposedly set up to conserve that they haven't destroyed already. And, this being the cradle of democracy and the a beacon for all those around the globe who see societies best governed not by a small all-powerful elite, the same 330 MPs and several thousand Conservative members who choose the party leader will also be responsible for deciding who becomes Prime Minister at this critical time in the nation's history.  Love Island, it is not.

Fortunately though, those few thousand people aren't *all* swivel-eyed neo-Nazi xenophobes who would gladly force the repatriation of everyone born outside the home counties to flea-ridden shanty town just outside Calais, so I'm sure they'll make a very wise choice. Even more fortunately, the infinitely wise Parliamentarians on the government benches will very kindly weed out all but the most fantastically inept and completely ill-equipped to serve in a series of voting rounds. Anyone who doubts the wisdom of this process need only look at the two candidates who've already been given the heave ho. Stephen Crabbs - a man who obviously doesn't look in the mirror whilst shaving and who fervently believes in the principle of same sex marriages, but presumably only so that those thus joined in matrimony can then be cured of their homosexuality as couples - is evidently not yet ready to become PM. He would be no slouch in a Boy Band though, I'm sure. Dr. Liam Fox on the other hand, is not yet ready to be allowed out in public without an accompanying adult and yet this has not prevented him from being able to practice medicine with sufficient competence to, as far as we know, have avoided disbarment (or dismemberment, even) - well, so far. Furthermore, he also managed to hold a cabinet office until his complete dependency upon "a special friend" made his attendance at the already somewhat overcrowded meetings unsustainable.

So who are we left with? Well, the second round of voting will see three candidates - Theresa May, Andrea Leadsom and Michael Gove - whittled down to just two whose names that will be put before the Tory party membership for the final vote. Obviously as many of those members are avid Swipe Show readers, I felt it incumbent to provide the most detailed and insightful analysis of all the runners and riders. And who better to give us the ultimate low down on who is best suited to take the nation's helm at this perilous juncture, than Sixties crooning heart-throb and avant garde noise-making legend.....Mr. Scott Walker!!

OK, so here's the form...

Theresa May

The Swipe Show analysis:

Odds on favourite to become the country's second female Prime Minister (the first if you don't count Ted Heath), May has proved an astonishingly liberal and forward looking Home Secretary, contributing massively to the cosmopolitan aspect of the nation by vastly increasing the number of immigrants entering during her stewardship to the hundreds of thousands - and all this in the face of an explicit manifesto commitment to reduce immigration levels to below the tens of thousands! If you want a Home Secretary who will leave the country's small airfields completely unattended and secure our coastline with three small tugs and a flotilla of rubber ducks daubed with the legend 'Keep off the shingle', Theresa's your man! Competent, stylish, and wholeheartedly commited to a vibrantly multicultural and permissive Britain, May is none of these things so should be an absolute shoe-in with the rancourous closet racists who will have the final say.

Scott says: 

"The ribald cataclysm of my jurisdiction conjugates the mad and smooth banana whimsies of my porcupine desire.

Andrea Leadsom

The Swipe Show analysis:

The dark horse who emerged from nowhere to become the Brexiters best hope of leading the country's protracted negotiations to leave the EU. Critics have poured scorn on her attempts to over state her experience in the financial sector, but this is mainly sour grapes. As well as being able to count to 38 mainly unassisted, Leadsom also set up her very own internet banking account with the Halifax and is a steely and redoubtable presence around the Monopoly board. She may yet be outflanked by tactical voting from members of the May camp who have already received communications from Gove's campaign team attempting to sway them, but don't bet against her in the Cheltenham Gold Cup - especially if the going is good to firm.

Scott says:

"The gibbons of nomenclature are rattling soda streams upon the violent stoneage prism ullulating strange propensities of haddock on my shins".

Michael Gove

 The Swipe Show analysis:

What can be said about the Justice Secretary that hasn't been said already? Very little that doesn't involve language so obscene that even we at Swipe Towers blanche at using it. Compassionate, sincere, a committed internationalsit who wants to create a new, kinder form of political discourse, why can't Jeremy Corbyn be Prime Minister instead?? OK, so he'd spend half his time worrying about the soil sustainability of a small indigenous tribe in the Gambia while the whole European economy collapsed around his ears, but at least if we were ever stupid enough to lie our way into another ridiculous and counter productive invasion, plunging the entire  middle east into anarchy and chaos just so the US president's best pals could all make a killing from the reconstruction process, at least he'd have the good grace to apologise on behalf of his party......and he's an Arsenal fan. .......Nice beard?

Scott says:

"Maudlin eyed the clams of grief are dormant with vertiginous delusions of a cardboard cutout hell."

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