Coronanation St (episode 3,567)

Title music: Baaaa ba ba baba ba (bubbaba) Baaaaaa ba ba baba ba (bubba ba) Baaaa baba baaaaaaa bubba bubba (bubabba) Ba ba.....

Interior, hospital bedroom. Sho-narr lies in a semi-comatose state. She is self-isolating.

Cut to...

The factreh. Nick and Sah-ruh Lou are intently studying the work rota:

Nick: and what about Izzy?

Sah-ruh Lou: self-isolating. With Jake obvs.

Nick; And what about Kirk?

Sah-ruh-Lou: Self-isolating. With Beth obvs.

Nick: Sally? 

Sah-ruh-Lou: Self-isolating. With Tim, Abi and Faye. They've had it really bad.

Nick:...so how on *earth* are we going to get all these high quality undergarments produced in time to fulfill this massive order in time?

Sar-ruh-Lou: well, we could try sub-contractimg to the Chinese? That way we could lay half the existing work force off and force the others into zero hours contracts to do the packing and distribution as and when we needed them...?

Nick: Nice idea sis, only China's in total lockdown...

Both: mm, self-isolating....

Cut to...

Gemm-urr and Chesney. They are surrounded by cots, baby grows and multi-storey carrycots. 

Gemm-urr (through a hale of bronchial fluids): urrrrrrrrgh, this piggin coff Ches. I can't piggin stand it. It's all I can do to keep the worst of it off the quintuplets. The last fing we we want is them going down wiv it.

Chesney (after a prolonged, ginnel rattling sneeze) Hang on Gemm-urr - quads, you mean quads. We've only got the four...haven't we??

Gemm-urr: nooooooo, aw Ches  I'm *sooooooooo* sorry. I must've popped another one out in the night. What are we gonna doooooooo Ches?? This will like *to-ally* *roòo-in* the Fresh-cos Four campaign...

Both (gurning awkwardly at one another): *To-ally* !!

Cut to...

Dev's shop. Dev is intently studying the work rota with Evelyn.

Evelyn: So it's a good thing some of us are built of heartier stock I say otherwise the whole place'd come to a standstill...

Dev (frantically rubbing at his temples and inadvertently smearing some of his eyeliner) yes, yes, I know Evelyn, I know and thank you, thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming in, but, but what am i going to do about my other outlets? I have both Chesney *and* Gemm-urr self-isolating at home with the sextuplets... I mean....how can I...

Evelyn: hang on  hang on, slow down a mo...I thought Gemm-urr and Chesney just had the 5 kids? She's never gone and popped another one out has she? The daft mare. Oh well, can't be helped I suppose. So much for keeping the underclass in check by means of enforced contraception's all I'll say. I mean, I'd love to be able to offer more support but I've got Tyrone and Fizz self-isolating at home with Ruby and Jade's taken their Hope off to self-immolate by the Red Rec....*always* has to go one better that girl. They should never let that one near a box of Swan Vestss ever again if you ask me...but nobody ever does...

Dev, with his elbow on the counter, rests his chin on his palm and starts sobbing gently.

Cut to the Rovers Return. Johnny and Jenny are behind the bar of an otherwise empty pub.

Jenny: well I say we should give it another half an hour. You never know...

Johnny (moving his tea towel from one arm to the other for what feels like the millionth time...): ack, I cant see the point love. We've got Steve and Tracy self isolating and their Amy and his Emma self-isolating together at their new flat. Peter and our Carla are self-isolating in a spare room off Roy's hallway while he and his newfound goth niece self-isolate in the rest of the flat. Daniel and the baby are self-isolating with Bethany, much to Beth's chagrin. There'll be hell to pay if that Bethany so much as sneezes near the young un after that daft ha'pponorth forget to get the poor thing its MMR. Brian and Cathy are self-isolating in the back of the cabin and Jeff's taken self-isolating to ridiculous extremes by boarding up the house and locking Yasmeen in one of his comedy magic routine disappearing boxes just for good measure. Apart from him, I think it's only Ken Barlow and Th'Rita Fairclough who've actually manage to self-isolate themselves on their own. 

Jenny: oh well, as they'll not be needed, I suppose I'd better stick these hotpots in the freezer then....

End theme: Baaaaaaaa ba ba baba baaa...