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Friday, 20 August 2004

Diana, Princess of Wales fountain

Mass jubilation here at Swipe Towers at news of the re-opening of this blessed symbol of all that was once fine and noble in the British aristocracy. Built for in excess of £3 million, the former nanny-to-the-rich-and-dopey's memorial is, in reality, an algae covered death trap for the young and mentally deficient - thousands of whom will be pouring forth from every corner of the nation to coo over this monstrous slab of sloppily finessed concrete. Of course, £3 million is a small price to pay for the eradication of several thousand educationally subnormal Diana worshippers and their foul spawn. But the cost is due to spiral upwards to the tune of £250,000 per annum as, in a gesture of political correctness gone barmy, the powers that be have decided to deploy scores of storm troopers to stand guard over the feeble-minded and youthful visitors who risk imminent extinction caused by excessively exuberant paddling. In addition, the 'beautiful' faux-marble surface of the 'monument' has had toddler-/twat-friendly grooves chiselled into it at even greater cost to the Diana, Princess of Wales-and-all-that-is-holy Trust -more commonly refered to as "the Taxpayer". The fountain was also beset by an increasingly slimey surface, unusual in a water-filled receptacle, stood in the open air close to other ecosystems and exposed to photosynthesis assisting light - although strangely appropriate to its subject. Curiously, the fountain has been adopted by a verminous strain of super algae which has, within mere weeks, transformed the fountain into Kensington and Chelsea's own watery equivalent of the grand luge. In order to make the fountain safe for would be royal-adoring paddlers/assorted numbskulls, the p.t.b. have turned to an organic solution for this slippery problem - presumably at the request of the Prince of Wales. He can be forgiven for thinking he will never hear the last of that bloody woman - and how richly ironic that she be commemorated by such a "bloody great curbuncle". Rather than bombard the algae with anthrax, agent orange or air to surface missiles, a school of commando Koi carp will be unleashed at night to hoover up the offending green slime, before being returned to their expensively assembled, gold encrusted fish tanks where they will swim in champagne and be fed oysters by scantily clad mermaids....I made that last bit up, but would anything surprise us where that bloody woman and her 'legacy' are concerned? Legacy? Tab more like.



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