Impulse Goddess - an apology

After consultation with my attorney, I have agreed the following statement:


"It has been pointed out to me that recent comments in my blog concerning the launch of the Impulse Goddess campaign to aid the Teenage Cancer Trust are liable to cause embarrassment and unnecessary harm to the reputations and feelings of some of those who have unselfishly come forward to aid a very good cause. I hereby apologise unreservedly for any harm or upset I may have caused and would like to state that such an outcome was never my intention. I am also aware that celebrities such as Tamara Beckwith do not enjoy being refered to as "Tamara Fuckwit" and I would like to state an oath to the effect that I will never publicly refer to her as such again, ever. Similarly, I accept that she does play a very useful role in society and deeply regret having suggested that she be euthanased. I would also like to take this opportunity to state, categorically, that none of the following people have offered their services to the campiagn with anything but the highest and most noble motives:

Kelli from Liberty X
Holly Valance, singer
Leah Wood, Ronnie Woods's model daughter
Tamara Beckwith, LA celebrity it-girl
Gail Porter, TV presenter
Lisa Scott Lee, ex Steps
Hayley Evetts of Pop Idol fame
Fearne Cotton - TV presenter
Sam Taylor Wood, artist
Beverly Knight, singer
Margherita Taylor, Capital Radio DJ and TV presenter
Beth Orton, US singer
Elize du Toit, Izzy from Hollyoaks

Furthermore, I would also like it to be recorded that my offer to buy Ms. Gail Porter a property in Thailand was made in jest and that my comments were not, are not and should not be taken to be in any way legally binding. Equally, I am now aware that Hayley Evetts performed with distinction in the television series Pop Idol and can now see that this is indicated clearly by the use of the phrase "of Pop Idol fame". Lastly, I would like to clarify that I have never shared sufficient intimacy with Ms. Fearne Cotton that she should be able to know what I look like first thing in the morning and I will unreservedly agree with her attorneys' contention that such an occurence would not be likely "in a million years or when hell freezes over - whichever is the longest". And, yes, I do know that cancer is an awful illness and yes I am trying to find more constructive ways to put my free time to use." The statement ends.