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Monday, 12 May 2008


It saddens me, if I'm honest, when I see yet another young pop artiste falling into the time-honoured pitfalls of the entertainment industry. Not a day passes by without another glaring headline screaming out from one of the red-tops; "Amy's Fresh Shocker - exclusive", or "My Day of Shame, by Cell-Bound Winehouse". Now, personally, I didn't think Back to Black was that bad, but I'm sure she herself would agree that it would have been even an better platter if young Amy had been able to keep her nose out of the Evo-stick tub long enough to do a few final drop-ins on the vocal tracks.

And don't get me started on Pete Doherty. My life, have I've tried! I even tracked him down and had a word with him myself - my God, prison visiting hours drag, don't they? They never seemed that long when I was on the other side of the table. Anyway, after I'd snuck the cake with a file in it past security and spent half an hour trying to offload several grams of barbiturates out of the sole of my stack heeled boots without attracting the attention of the prison guards (you try doing *that* in a gold lame body stocking and matching cape, buster...), I told him all about my own drug hell in the 1970s.

You see, at one point there wasn't a hardware store within a five mile radius of Sigma Sound studio that hadn't seen its shelves completely cleared of its entire stock of adhesives. Sometimes I have to confess, I was so desperate for a hit that I I'd even try a quick fix of polyfilla - yes, I know. It doesn't fill me with any pride, I can tell you. And worse - it just doesn't have the hold of a proper fixative. Oh, I'm completely clean now, of course - apart from the odd grouting flashback and the fact that, on a blustery day, I can still seal an envelope without my tongue from 100 metres away. *That's* an addiction, sonny. But will he listen? Still, youth, as they say, is wasted on the young; which is probably why old letches like me can get away with it, I suppose. "Of course I can help you with your exams Eliza - why, I can still remember the day I took *my* 11-plus. Which reminds me, I must give old Gaz Glitter a buzz - he still has a large assortment of my Bunty Annuals. He's due out in twenty years....

Must dash - Grange Hill's just about to start.

L.U.V. on y'all,





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