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Thursday, 22 July 2010

On Becoming a National Treasure...

Yes folks, it's all true. As of 23.00 hours tonight I will officially join the likes of Stephen Fry, John Peel, Patricia Routledge, Alan Bennett, Derek Nimmo and Raoul Moat and become a fully-fledged National Treasure. The envelope came through the other day - 2nd class post, obviously, what with all the recent cutbacks. You have to provide your own ermine trim now too, apparently as the cost of stoats has gone through the roof by all accounts. They've all been bought up by the hedge funds it would seem - although why they can't just stick to buying up hedges instead of storing the world's supply of cocoa in a vast shed in Uganda with half the world starving is anybody's guess.

Still, it's not all bad news - I do get a weekly pair of state-sponsored hold-ups courtesy of the Great British Taxpayer and my own choice of assistant to act as Chief Petty Officer to the National Hose who will be kept on a retainer during weekly office hours to help with all the routine admin stuff - laddering them, and so forth. I'm currently torn between asking Brian Blessed and Mariella Frostrup. Obviously nimble-fingered, improbably feisty Mariella is in pole position, but I can't help but think that Brian would bring a certain gravitas to the position - plus he can do the silly voices and has a pole of his own, or so I'm reliably informed down at the Polski Sklep. of course it's a 24/7 service when you reach the lofty heights of the Order of the Garter, in which eventuality, I've already put the feelers out as to the availability of Vicki Michelle. (I'm assuming, of course, that Gordon Kaye will already have been booked.)

I'll obviously be mindful of the harsh economic circumstances in which much of the nation I'll be treasuring for find themselves. I've asked Iceland to do the catering for the post-investiture party and Michael McIntyre will be Master of Ceremonies - you can't get more cheap and nasty than that now, can you?

I'll also be making sure that I give something back in return for the adulation and awe of my fellow citizens. In line with the Coalition's new Big Society initiative, along with a host of other celebrities, minor royals and investment bankers, I'll be helping out with the refuse collection in the Thames Ditton area every 4th Wednesday. I'd like to take this opportunity to remind residents that green waste and otherwise recyclable materials may not be collected...

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  1. Hedge Funds are part of the Privet Finance Initiative surely.

    Stephen Fry will be delighted you've firmly grasped his baton.

  2. Of course Rog - how silly of me. That's that awfully clever scheme whereby the taxpayer shells out for a privat contractor to build a hispital with a profit margin for the contractor built in to the cost. The new hospital is then leased back from the contractor by the taxpayers who paud for it to be built in the first place. It's cheaper that way, apparently ...

    Still,worse still is the news that Elton 'Hilton' John us being bought in to advise Vince Cable. So don't be surprised if your pension ends up in a Reg fund...