Praise in liberal circles as Stevie Gerrard reveals a prominent tattoo of the former South African freedom fighter Steve Biko beneath his captain's armband...'The eyes of the world are watching now,' pronounces the England skipper before solemnly chanting 'Keela maja, like - the man us dead, eh?' for several hours...
Will Mr Mandela be appearing at the opening ceremony and, if so, will he be visible behind Archbishop Desmond Tutu's shirt???
Vickery in a Tutu!!!
Mass confusion at the opening ceremony as England rugby union star Phil Vickery is caught on camera attempting to enter the charismatic clergyman. 'I thought he was an impala...' pleads the combative prop forward lamely as he's given an unceremonious going over by security officials on the way to the airport. 'What was he doing there in the first place??? splutters Richard Littlejohn in the Mail, 'the Rugby world cup was 13 years ago!!!'
Red top fury as Bastian Schweinsteiger's theatrical tumble in the box helps eliminate England from the last 16. 'A name like that writes its own headlines...' croaks a distraught Fabio Capello, punching a nearby springbok in fury.
Anger in America as former president Mandela is caught by cameras, pitchside, attempting to emulate DaMarcus Beesley's infamous touchline emptying of the bladder. 'Clearly the senile old fucker should be in a home' rants President Obama, adding fuel to the flames in the wake of the recent BP oil slick fiasco during which he's alleged to have called the Queen 'a rancourous old cunt'...
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