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Friday, 11 June 2010

The World Cup in more headlines...

Captain Biko!!!

Praise in liberal circles as Stevie Gerrard reveals a prominent tattoo of the former South African freedom fighter Steve Biko beneath his captain's armband...'The eyes of the world are watching now,' pronounces the England skipper before solemnly chanting 'Keela maja, like - the man us dead, eh?' for several hours...

Nelson Riddle!!!

Will Mr Mandela be appearing at the opening ceremony and, if so, will he be visible behind Archbishop Desmond Tutu's shirt???

Vickery in a Tutu!!!

Mass confusion at the opening ceremony as England rugby union star Phil Vickery is caught on camera attempting to enter the charismatic clergyman. 'I thought he was an impala...' pleads the combative prop forward lamely as he's given an unceremonious going over by security officials on the way to the airport. 'What was he doing there in the first place??? splutters Richard Littlejohn in the Mail, 'the Rugby world cup was 13 years ago!!!'

Township Dive!!!

Red top fury as Bastian Schweinsteiger's theatrical tumble in the box helps eliminate England from the last 16. 'A name like that writes its own headlines...' croaks a distraught Fabio Capello, punching a nearby springbok in fury.

Nelson Widdle!!!

Anger in America as former president Mandela is caught by cameras, pitchside, attempting to emulate DaMarcus Beesley's infamous touchline emptying of the bladder. 'Clearly the senile old fucker should be in a home' rants President Obama, adding fuel to the flames in the wake of the recent BP oil slick fiasco during which he's alleged to have called the Queen 'a rancourous old cunt'...

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  1. John Wayne!

    Mercurial striker Rooney goes slightly awry in trying to emulate the titans of England past, when he copies Gordon Banks in 1970, gets a dicky tummy, and spends the crucial quarter-final match on the toilet.

  2. This almost makes the World Cup worth watching. Almost, but not quite.