Photon: "vee need to know zee process..."
Saturday 18th: Stray Photon has signed up for the Hull City goals alert service on his mobile. It rings six minutes into the second half. "Oh dear, Coventry have scored", I quip as Stray flips open his phone like a Star Trek communicator to check the goalflash. (They have indeed.) Eleven minutes later it rings again. "Oooh, you've equalised", I say. (They have indeed.) It ends one one.
Sunday 19th: I go into a strop because I can't find a live commentary of the Blackburn game on the radio, so have to settle for the tantalising bulletins that interupt the Liverpool v. Chelsea game. I cheer up when the news comes through that a scrappy Robin van Persie goal has put Arsenal one up in a bruising physical encounter. I become increasingly zen-like in my calm as the game progresses and Arsenal appear to be weathering the storm of physicality that always threatens to engulf them when they visit Blackburn. With around ten minutes to play, I start to sense that the points are within our grasp and so, when Alan Green breaks off from criticising the referee at Anfield for just long enough to inform us that there has been another goal at Ewood Park, I'm halfway up in the air to celebrate the late Hleb game-killer that I have convinced myself is imminent.
Instead, another Lehmann howler has allowed Blackburn to level the scores, the tall, volatile German 'having pawed at a well struck but eminently saveable David Dunn effort like a cat toying with a ball of string. I've picked the wrong story. Where I have cast Hleb as my hero, I should have seen the signs, spelt out in bold capitals for me when Lehmann turned nemesis and gifted Fulham their first in the opening minute of the first game of the season. Despite all my angst at not being able to follow the game ball-by-ball, I wonder if it isn't preferable just to cut out the middleman and rely on the text alerts after all. No details, no horrific images; just the bald facts, the only ones that matter in the end - the goals as they are scored and the state of play when the whistle blows. If you weren't there, what use is someone else's account?
Monday 20th: With my personal narrative in disarray, it seems fitting that the BBC should be showing A Cock & Bull Story, the recent adaptation of Sterne's masterpiece The Life & Opinions of Tristram Shandy. What better prelude to Match of the Day than a meditation on the impossibility of representing the human experience through literature and the outrageous hubris of man's efforts to impose order upon chaos and
Tuesday 21st: ..oh, I've lost the thread of all this...
L.U.V. on y'all,
Bob
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