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Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Coe fury at fresh Olympic cuts...

Coe: "..I *hate* Sebastian Coe..."

Lord Coe has publicly blasted the Coalition's austerity programme saying it will ruin the 2012 Olympics and make Britain the laughing stock of the world. In an astonishing outburst the Tory peer spoke of gathering anger within the organising committee at the cuts they're being forced to make ahead of the prestigious games set to take place in London next year.

'I'm fecking livid!' yelled the former middle distance running legend who has played such a prominent role in bringing the games to the capital. 'Some of these money saving measures are simply ridiculous. It's bad enough that we've had to compromise on the stadium - the current meccano and Tupperware structure is a mere shadow of the wonderful arena we had planned. But now the events themselves are going to be compromised and it makes me want to puke. Cuts?? Schmuts!!'

The efficiency measures being considered look set to dramatically affect the global spectacle of sport. Despite an offer from London Mayor to loan out some of his famous 'Boris bikes' the cycling is set to be one of the worst hit events. 'We've got a lovely velodrome and yet the spectators will have to sit and watch competitors ambling past on unicycles. I don't know why they don't give them all comedy trousers to throw water down and oversized shoes, it'll be enough like an effing circus already, already!' Cried a clearly distraught Coe in between sticking pins into an effigy of his former competitor Steve Ovett.

Ovett: "I *hate* Sebastian Coe!"

The economy measures will be evident from the opening ceremony onwards. The Olympic torch design was put out to tender some time ago and the winning submission by a Chinese company was by far the cheapest and can also double as a screwdriver and general purpose DIY kit and rawplug holder. The eternal Olympic flame will only be lit at weekends and on alternate weekday evenings, although it is hoped that, with enough support from sponsors, this may be extended depending upon how many 50p pieces to feed the meter have been donated in the run up to the games. Other areas affected include Three day eventing which will also suffer with organisers left to ponder how on earth they're going to squeeze the highly popular horse trials into a day and a half, never mind dispose of all the pony droppings.

The 2012 Olympic torch: "I *hate* Sebastian Coe too!"

But it's the proposed cutbacks in the blue riband track and field events that will cause most alarm for sports fans. In order to reduce wear and tear on the track, the 200 metres will become the 100 metres, the 400 metres will become the 200 metres, the 10,000 metres will become the 5,000 metres and the Marathon will become the Snickers. Track events will suffer similarly as the hop, skip and jump reverts to being simply the hop and skip, although optimists suggest that this may significantly enhance British hopes of gold in the event. Elsewhere, planners are considering combining events in order to make funds stretch further which could lead to bizarre outcomes such as Ussain Bolt taking on the Ghana hockey team in the women's shot put final or England winning the football.

There are further concerns that the Paralympics will be even further compromised than the able bodied events. It has already been suggested that the events featuring blind competitors be held at night, in the dark in a desperate attempt to meet the Games' much-heralded green agenda. There are however concerns that the parallel games will be adversely affected by controversial and stringent government quotas aimed at reducing the numbers of incapacity benefit claimants. This could mean many wheelchair users are simply unable to afford to compete. The Department for Work & Pensions has however denied any political motivation behind the move saying, 'look, if these people are fit enough to take part in a highly competitive global sports event, they're Bally well fit enough to work. Arbeit macht frei!!! Schnell!! Schnell!! Schnell!!!'

Wheelchair Basketball ladies: "..I like him..."

The London Olympics commence in summer 2012.


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