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Tuesday, 23 May 2006

Doctors Agree to Talk to Patients as War Against Complementary Medicine Hots Up...

Wooooaaah Swipesters!!!

Hot news is filtering in from our Health correspondent that Doctors are getting serious in the battle against 'cranky' new-age therapies as the surgical gloves come off in the war against New Age Medicine. Speaking from a urine soaked trolley in a crumbling brand new PFI funded hospital, our undercover reporter Condoleeza Salinedrip

filed this shocking expose:

It's a sad and depressing sight. Doris Hinkelman has lived with an arthritic hip for the last 15 years. The plucky 78 year old from Billericay is stoical as her GP, suave in his black roll neck sweater and medallion under a sharp Gucci suit puts her under. It will only be 5 minutes before she emerges, at the click of his fingers, from the deep trance Dr. McKenna has lulled her into. During this submersion, Mckenna will murmur his primeval incantations such as, "there's nothing wrong with your hip, you daft old biddy" and "just be thankful you don't live in Lesotho - you'd have been ground down to cattle feed by now. Now stop moaning and get on with your life or I'll have your pension book off you and report you to the Social Services for being a senile old racist." And with that, Doris puts her clothes back on and hobbles through the crowd that has formed around her in the reception area, reassured, if not completely cured. Paul Mckenna retires to his surgery, a quarter of a million pounds to the good. These are the winners and losers in the New Labour health lottery.

This is just one example of the alarming ways in which 'complementary' medicine has been draining the coffers cash-strapped void at the heart of the NHS. Things have got so bad that proper Doctors are being given emergency training in talking to their parents as if they were actually human beings in attempt to cling on to their 'clients', for fear of losing valuable customers for their expensive array of prescription drugs. Some have even enrolled in calligraphy courses. The drift away from conventional multi-national drug corporation-sponsored medicine is most alarming in the poorest communities. Here shiny new hospitals built from the flimsiest materials by companies with profits built into their contract are leased back to the community once completed in the hope of preventing the tide of disillusioned patients from visiting the local Holland & Barrett in pursuit of a quicker and more efficacious treatment. But these extreme measures still appear not to be enough. Some patients have even taken to giving up their routine of binge drinking and chainsmoking. Some have even gone so far as to occasionally consume fruit or vegetables in their attempts to avoid the clutches of qualified Healthcare Professionals.

But what can be done? I asked one GP if he could see a day when his surgery would be emptied completely, his patients lured away by the charms of the scantily-clad reflexologist or the Traditional Chinese Herbalist and his exotic Tiger's penis broth Lumbago cure. "Fuckin' hope so. I hate the smelly bastards", was his bitter reply.

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

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