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Monday, 22 May 2006

Bono Pledges Own Arse to Aid Famine Relief.

Yo Swipesters!!

Great news for the poor and unremittingly tearful children of Africa!

Bono with African tribesman during the infamous Zoo TV tour.

Pop legend and renowned Irish ironist,

"Thou shalt not kill is a command, not a request....ain't that right George?....)

Bono, distraught at his failure to persuade the House of Representatives not to cut President Bush's projected $3 billion increase to HIV/AIDS aid in Africa (they voted for a $2.5 billion cut in the budget), the highly credible and influential (well, Keane have obviously listened to him) singer has come up with his own plan for the ill-starred country. Stung by critics who suggest that his cosying up to greed-driven billionaires in the hope of achieving a slight amelioration of Africa's woes, Bono has offered to put his own backside on the table in future aid budget negotiations. The hope is that it will feed a significant portion of the vast country's starving population and thus enable existing food aid budgets to make up the shortfall in retro-virus drug expenditure. "If they can have a good tuck into the old gluteous maximus for a few weeks, then hopefully we'll be able to flog a few million bags of the surplus corn back to the yanks and maybe scrape up a few bob to trade with the multinational drug corporations and really get something done about HIV/AIDS in Africa. Obviously, the old mud flaps are a fairly bountiful supply and should keep several thousand villages alive for three to four weeks in the hope that by that time we can get Stephen Fry over. But they won't last forever and the sooner we can get these people to be self-reliant, the better."

The singer has also criticised local superstitions and the failure of education to stop the spread of the disease. "Some of these witch doctor fellas are a bit barmy, wouldn't you say? They think that by putting a lion's paw on someone's exposed liver they can get the evil HIV demons to go away and all sorts of nonsense like that. It's hard enough for us without having to contend with all these medieval old wives tales. I mean, Jesus, Joseph and Mary and all the blessed saints - why can't they just shove a muffler on the old boner and save us all a heap of trouble..."

The ambitious plan has been criticised from some quarters - most notably the Vegetarian Society. Stephen Fry was unavailable for comment.

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

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