Many of you will already be aware of the speculation mounting on the Strictly Come Dancing chatrooms and other scurrilous corners of cyberspace concerning my private life. Obviously as a celebrity with such a prominent position in the public eye, I realise that a large part of my life is considered to be held in common ownership and I have learned over time to accept most of such incursions into my privacy as being to some extent an occupational hazard. There are though some areas of the individual's existence that I had always thought to be exempt from such intrusion and general scrutiny, so it is with great regret that, in order to end the prurient interest, I now find myself forced to make public matters of my own personal spirituality and private faith.
In order to put an end to the rumour-mongering, I can officially reveal that, yes it's true, I have adopted Islam as the one true faith. That's right; I have become a Muslim. Obviously, this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I've spent long hours wrestling with my inner demons and, quite literally, searching my soul about this. After all, on entering into a faith which allows men to take multiple wives, you can't just leap in and grab the first bird you see by the headscarf like a bull in a china shop, can you? No. So I've given the make up of my harem a lot of thought.
Where better to start than Lauren Booth?
OK, Laur's not exactly a looker, but her old man's a diamond geezer and she's ideologically sound to the point of boycotting P&O ferries because they missed the 'L' out. What's more, she's probably pissed the Blairs off more than any other single individual - apart from David Kelly, obviously...but he didn't bother 'em for long.
Then there's Linda Bellingham:
Great jugs and the filthiest laugh in Christendom - sorry, the Caliphate. She'll be joined in the master bedroom by none other than the perennial year of the rear....Felicity Kendall:
She may be 77, but she brings a whole new level of depravity to the terms lithe and lissom. And who better to guide me in the mysterious ways of the Islamic sisterhood than our own lovely Michal Hussein?:
Al-Jazeera's loss is my gain, I should cocoa. But it's not just preaching to the converted. I'd like to give those who are sceptical of the faith a thorough introduction into the joys of polygamous contentment (if you get my drift...) Who better to argue the toss over the demeaning aspects of the harem whilst having her loofah those hard to reach parts while she's bathing you in ass's milk than the unbelievably saucy Jane Moore?
And before you all start getting on your high horses. Look, it's *not* all about sex. Women *do* have a lot more to offer a man than being opinionless sexual playthings. Besides, with all this little lot to feed, there'll be one hell of a lot of work needing to be done in the kitchen. So who better than to augment my bevvy of bedroom beauties than the ravishingly lovely Nigella Lawson?
What's that Nige? Oh, anything you like love, so long as it's Halal...
Right, I can't sit around here all day gassing about religion, I've got a wife and seventeen others to support...