Call me Bob...

As it's been a while since I communicated with you my dear, loyal reader, I thought I'd try to make it up to you for my inexcusable absence by letting you in on a little secret. That's right my limpet-like little bijou(s) ....(bijoux? Damn, I hate the French - why can't they speak English like the rest of us, Dammit!?) as the exclusive preview of my latest Vanity Fair cover shoot will more than amply demonstrate, I am...(come on gal...I mean...guy ...let's be true to the real us, boyfriend....shame on all the haters....we can *do* this* thang*!!!) Yes, I can finally reveal that, after years of denial, decades of pain, misery and living a falsehood, I am, finally....ta-da..., yes, you guessed it...I am in mid-*trans* *for* *may* *shun*!

Yay brothah!

Go me!!

Oh sure, there's still a little bit of work to be done, as you can see. For a kick off, the tummy-tum-tums is *waaaaay* too flat and almost lends me a look of someone who does the occasional bout of exercise requiring more effort than just reaching over to the coffee table to take another slurp of 'buie breezer in between mouthfuls of Tesco finest salt and vinegar potato sticks. The beard? Well, that's still a little too obviously false and velcroed on to make me look like the genuine lard-bucket male hipster dude I aspire to be. And as for that mascara brush that's been poorly run over my flimsy blonde down to give the impression of a full pelt of unsightly male chest hair - well, it barely registers so much as a blip on the Giggs scale, does it? I know, I know, I know. But hell, give me time to *eaaasse* into my new gender will ya?? And besides, look how well I'm carrying off that grimy, 'just gone for a wee in the middle of my afternoon nap, but still didn't get a stain on my sweat pants' look. *Sexy*!! So, ladies, gentlemen, people of indeterminate gender who fall somewhere in between...I give you...

my new body....

my new self....

the new *ME*.....!!!!.....

                            

So how, I can tell you are *dying* to know, am I doing? Well, it's all been a bit of an upheaval, obviously. But the lads at the Rygbi club have, to a man, been very kind, and as gentle and supportive as you could reasonably expect of a bunch of hardened Welsh farm lads with minimal familiarity with their own bodily hygiene, let alone the needs of someone experiencing the biological turmoil of a complete gender reversal at an age by which most impoverished valley folk have either perished or been consigned to a dismal end of life spent salivating into a Toby jug of Harvey's Bristol Cream, muttering about Max Boyce whilst watching the 'Pobl y cym' omnibus on repeat. Given the difficulty they have in even accepting the existence of someone like Alan Carr-Chatty-Mann, they've taken having to watch the fragrant, lithe, leggy, lushly-maned nymph from whose ample cleavage they've grown up pinching the half time orange segments transmogrify herself into a portly bearded nerk pretty well I suppose, all in.

Obviously, this is just the beginning for me. I still have a long way to go, I knows that. There will be very difficult adjustments to make - not least in the undercarriage department. At the moment, I'm still finding a few *blocks* to my masculinity. For instance, I can't be doing with those badly bitten false nails with the fake black grit in the pith - no, it's Maybelline extra durable with a Cardiff City crest tattoo for this boy's talons, every day. And how do you guys walk in those shoes???? I know better than any one that, come hell or high water, high heels were never, ever,*evah* meant to be worn with a pair of tracky bottoms. But I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for the ultimate sacrifice. Can you *seriously* imagine a lad like me wearing flats? No, exactly. So, as we say at Laboratoires Garnier: *day-ull* *way-uth* *ay-ut* - Because *I'm* *wurth* *ut*...

ISIS members sue Apple Corps over lost Beatles royalties...

Lawyers acting on behalf of the self-styled terror group, So-Called Islamic State have begun a civil action against Apple, the company set up in 1968 to manage their affairs by self-styled lovable mop-tops, the So-Called Beatles. Members of So-Called Isis also known as the self-styled, So-Called Beatles - Jihadi John, Jihadi Paul, Jihadi George and Jihadi Ringo - claim that they are not receiving royalties due to them for a large body of popular songs they wrote during the So-Called Swinging Sixties, songs which set the toes of the world tapping and launched an era of sexual freedom and social experimentation as the world reverberated to their tuneful Mersey beat music. A spokesman for the group which is currently succeeding in returning large swathes of the so-called Levant and self-styled Middle East to the Middle Ages through an impressive use of 21st Century social media skills, strict adherence to So-Called Islam and lots of beheadings, urged Apple to cough up.

"They're just four ordinary, working class Muslim lads from the north of England who have given us all a lot of pleasure with their grisly execution videos and cheeky but completely reverent and Halal-observant online banter. It just doesn't seem fair that they are toiling away in the desert with a 2nd generation i-pad and a pathetic 32 giga-bite laptop while Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo 'So-Called' Starr swan around with top of the range personal computer gear - how can you wage a Holy War aimed at restoring the Caliphate to its 11th Century boundaries with intermitent internet access and no wi-fi signal??? Even just freeing up the royalties from one of their big songs like 'Yesterday' or 'Let it Be' would keep us in broadband and viagra for several months. We might even be able to stretch to some kinky underwear for the lasses - Christ knows they need something to sauce them up. They make Jihadi Cilla Black look like Gina Lollabrigida. Still, at least you can't see their faces I suppose. So, come on lads, play fair - or we'll be round with a machete to chop off Heather's other leg..."

Critics of the regime who haven't already been silenced with a scimitar up the jacksy have pointed to the large revenues that are helping to prop up ISIS' campaign of violent jihad. They are currently funded from a variety of surprising sources - donations from wealthy Saudis, oil bootlegging, tobacco smuggling, sales of Yazidi women as sex slaves and the National Lottery. They also question the probability that members of a violent sect that has banned all forms of music in the territories it controls could possibly have composed songs of the beauty and expressive depth of 'Across the Universe', 'Hey Jude' and 'The Long and Winding Road' - although it's quite possible they may have been responsible for stuff like 'Octopus's garden' a singular dud from the 1969 classic album, Abu-Dhabi Road.

Meanwhile, in related news, former Beatle Jihadi John has himself been at the centre of controversy surrounding comments he is supposed to have made about the group's manager Jewish manager, Jihadi Brian Epstein. Epstein, a practicing homosexual, is alleged to have asked John to suggest a title for his autobiography to which he is purported to have replied, 'Queer Jew', a suggestion which could, if true, have dire consequences for him in homophobic, anti-Semitic ISIS controlled areas. The punishment for these crimes could lead to Epstein being beheaded and thrown from a tall building, or possibly the other way round, depending upon which is going to look better in a glossy snuff video aimed at radicalising young British teenagers. Fortunately, Epstein is no longer a smoker. The punishment for smoking - 'slow suicide' according to the ISIS ideology - is having a series of explosives tied to your waste and being very rapidly detonated in a crowded area.

The row comes only months after the furore generated by the controversial pop star's assertion that one day his group were going to be 'bigger than Muhammad'. 'If I'd said Buddha or Jesus or Krishna, I might have got away with it', said a clearly medicated Jihadi John.(Probably all that viagra.) The comments generated a spate of record burnings, book burnings, Jihadi Beatle wig burnings and a few innocent people were thrown in too for good measure.

The case commences on Monday...

Coalition Announces Stepping up of British Roles in Syria and Ukraine...

The government has announced major military engagements in both the Syrian and Ukraine conflicts. Following heavy international criticism of the failure of Britain to shoulder its responsibilities as part of the coalition forces engaged in airstrikes against the so-called Islamic State in Syria and Iraq, the Prime Minister announced that it will do all it can to bring about a swift resolution to the current bloodshed in the beleagured Middle Eastern states. "We will not tolerate the barbarity and bloodthirsty ideology that ISIS is inflicting on the poor citizens of the areas it has under its control. Crucifictions, beheadings, stoning people - these are simply not appropriate actions in a civilised society. That's why we'll be sending some of our finest singers and variety artistes out there to form a concert party. People often ask me, 'how are we going to put the smiles back on the people of Raqqa and Aleppo? It must be a living hell out there.' Well, ISIS may have banned music, but let's see them try to stop Ed Sheeran and his vast array of foot pedals and digital loops - I wouldn't even know how to turn them on, let alone decommission them."

A clearly pumped up Sheeran, interviewed shortly after his performance at this year's Brit awards was defiant: "I can't wait to get out there and play the same four chords over and over again, starting off gently then building up a series of loops to a near deafening crescendo and then shouting over the racket my foot pedals make. It's the only way I know how to help, but naturally I'm going to be first in the queue to go there and try to put a smile back on the faces of the poor innocent civilians who've got caught up in this terrible civil war. I've even been growing a beard for the last 3 years in the hope that I won't get beheaded - it's just starting to take root, what do you think?"  Questioned as to whether this was just a cynical career advancing publicity stunt, Sheeran was adamant: "I really believe we need to get out there and sing those people back into the 21st Century. Honestly, it's been a top night for me, getting this award, playing at this prestigious show, then finding out I'm going to be playing Syria, the nearest place to hell on earth. The only thing that could top all that would be if Madonna were to fall off stage..."

 Ellie Gouding: 'Apprehensive, Michael'

Sheeran will be joined by a dazzling roster of British talent said to include the likes of Ellie Goulding, Paloma Faith, Ant & Dec, David Suchet, The Krankies, Joe Pasquale, Russ Abbot, Chris de Burgh, The Arctic Monkeys, Colin Welland, Krishnan Gurumurthy, David Walliams, Tony Robinson, The Proclaimers, Chris Tarrant, Simon Cowell, the surviving mebers of Dave, Dee, Dozy Mick & Titch, Celia Imrie, Rhod Gilbert and several of the families from the hit Channel 4 couch potato reality show Gogglebox.

In a separate but parallel development, Mr. Cameron announced an escalation of British involvement in the Ukraine conflict. "We're committed to backing up the legitimate Ukrainian government and making sure that the terms of the recent ceasefire are adhered to on both sides. That's why we've decided to reunite the concert party from 'It ain't 'arf 'ot Mum'. We're going to get the old gang together - Don Estelle, Windsor Davies, Melvin Hayes, 'La-di-da' Gunner Graham, the one he used to call 'Lovely boy' that one always assumed would turn out to be his son. 'Land of hope and glory, mother of the free - SHUT UPP!' I can't think of a better way of sending a very clear message that we have the resolve to stand up to Mr. Putin and tell him exactly where he gets off. If we had more than 6 tanks, we'd be sending those too."

Melvin Hayes: 'delighted', Allan.

Scott Walker's Indispensable Guide to The General Election 2015!!!!...

With what promises to be one of the most fiercely fought and unpredictable elections ever just around the corner, we asked our resident Psephologist and Sixties Crooner-turned-weird-avant-garde-art-thing Scott Walker to give us the lowdown on all the major parties and their leaders...

This week....

The Conservative Party: 

The received wisdom: Many doubted the Conservative Party's alliance with their Liberal Democrat Coalition partners would hold on for the full five year fixed term Parliament, but Tory leader David Cameron has seen off hard right critics in his own party and in the process hobbled a major political adversary - few expect the Lib Dems to recover from the taint of being the junior partners in a coalition despised by many on the left. Cameron may still feel the squeeze from the alienated via a strong nationwide UKIP showing, but he'll be secretly hoping that the upstart anti-Europe party will wreak as much havoc in the north for Labour. Scotland may, ironically, hand him control of the UK on a plate if the SNP do as well as many expect.

Chances this time round: Odds on to be the largest party in an even more fragmented parliament.

Scott says: The benecol demands a hurried Instagram denouement constellations spitting rancid flu-jab rigmarole pyjamas at the moooooooo-oooooooooooon.

Next week:

The Labour Party...

The Budgerigar Situation...

Dear Colleagues



As I am about to depart for two months summer break (Tuscany) I thought it was time to bring you up to date with developments on the budgerigar situation. Since I announced to you the disagreeable news about the current budgerigar situation there has been a gap and a pause in the flow of information. This has not been due to neglect or lack of care – the budgerigar has been very well fed and watered, thank you very much (why, we even gave him one of those white flinty things he likes to peck at with a maniacal look in his one good eye!) - and certainly not due to lack of action. Subsequent to my last public address to all staff on 17th June I am pleased to record that both Finance Committee and Council on 25th June accepted our projected figures for 2008-09. This budgerigar however is not one that we can relax into – oh no! Our agreement with Council was that we would now work to erode that deficit through the coming year to achieve a reduced deficit for 2009-10 with the goal of achieving a balanced budgerigar for 2010-11. Our collective progress towards this end will be both monitored by and, I trust, assisted through quarterly reports to and discussions with Finance Committee and SPARC, with perhaps a quiet word in the ear of the bird in question his or her self – no idea what sex it is…must be some way of telling; plumage or the shape of the beak perhaps?



We will all be involved in this process at different levels but to ensure continuity and momentum I have set up an Action Group. This group comprises myself as VC, the Vice Principal, the Director of Resources & Operations, the Director of Finance, the PVC (Strategy and Staff Development - bit hot for that sort of get up, isn't it?), the Head of Planning and the Director of HR as information and advisory officers and David Attenborough (can’t *stand the chap’s films, but he’s a member of the MCC and I can’t afford to miss out on test match tickets – more than my life’s worth!). The Action Group meets weekly and will continue to do so throughout the year; once a week, every week – every seven days in fact, by my watch. It will interact with the Senior Management Group fortnightly, except when there’s cricket on, obviously – you don’t think I’m missing an *over* after having to put up with that grey bearded old luvvie, do you? I am also setting up an Ideas Forum of senior academics and administrators to act as both a generator and disseminator of themes concerning cost saving and income generation across the University’s range of activities. It’s early days obviously, but we’re already looking into the tentative idea of going into the Higher Education sector and offering courses to people, for money - that sort of thing. The aviary is currently only a sideline, but if we can keep the budgerigar sweet, who knows? That could be a nice little earner too – especially if we can persuade the bleeder to do a few funny voices and so on. The suggestions website for all colleagues will soon be functional and our Institute for the Environment are preparing a practical set of energy saving initiatives – cold baths, not leaving doors open and wearing an extra layer in winter, planting our own spuds, that sort of thing - that will apply to us all and impact positively both on the budgerigar and the planet. Oh yes, that’s right - *millet*! Knew there was a name for it. Perhaps we could grow some of that too… I will, of course, continue with my addresses to all staff and will continue to waffle on pompously about our collective successes so there will be no shortage of information and there will be no ignorance of the fact that we are still a fully functional and high achieving university – apart from among senior managers and the public at large, of course who are all wise to the fact that we’re a second rate bunch of jokers – although you have to admit the aviary is very nice, isn’t it? Please do remember this – business as usual! We are no longer in a period of growth and certainly not one of extravagance (apart from my throne, obviously – oh, and the gold lame suit – you’ll have to rip it off my back, buster….) – this is true across the HE sector but we must attend to our University and its particular needs. So there’ll be no turning back on patently brain-dead schemes like self-service machines that allow students to pilfer the Library's book stock (at great expense to the University, I might add) and we will remain completely top-heavy with managers and not employ enough staff to carry out the essential day-to-day activities whilst paying a few eejits to mince around pretending to be Sir Alan Sugar on vastly inflated salaries and making a whopping great cock up of even the simplest organisational task. We must all continue to do our teaching, our research, our administration, our bird-calls but with slightly less slacking in the system than we are accustomed to. So that means an end to elaborate spoofs of the Library newsletter and my waffly spam emails to all members of staff, I’m afraid…



Senior colleagues across the University have already achieved significant reduction in expenditure from their projected budgerigars and I am both proud of them and grateful to them. Any savings that we can make, collectively or individually, will diminish the spectre of future jobs which we surely all want to avoid. The proceeds from the disposal of the R.... campus afford us time to get in a quick cruise in the Caribbean and to rationalise our activities for the best – we do not currently have a cash flow problem (it’s still all under the mattress, least it was last time I looked) but we do have an operating deficit (it’s a bloody heavy mattress, so the 2 months in Tuscany had to go on the company Visa after I put my back out trying to lift the bloody thing to get at the cash flow…). As I said before, we now need to get our income and expenditure back in line. This means that once we have been through the exercise of pruning currant costs (my God, that bird can plough through currants – and sultanas – it’s like a gannet….worse than with the ruddy millet!) we can work effectively on innovative schemes for income generation. And the aviary, of course.



I am going to need the input and support of you all, every one of you. Come on, let’s be having you – all denominations welcome – luncheon vouchers, IOUs – no amount too small… Given that support I will endeavour to ensure that our recovery and turnaround from our present circumstances will be both bottom-up and top-down, from both sides and through the middle – in, out, shake it all about – you do the okey-cokey…that’s it, just through the money in the hat love – it’s for the bird…loves his millet…



L.U.V. on y'all,

Once was Bob

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Blank Verse...(after Istvanski)...

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The Wheat is Growing Thin...

As seasoned readers will know, it has long been customary for me to take my lunch at my work's refectory.Well, that's what it would have been called in the good old days; before Glasnost and Political Correctness and Blair and Brown and Bush and all those other factors which have conspired to turn the British Isles into a blighted realm as likely to inspire pride as one of those horrid dried-up white dog turds you always used to see littering the pavement...in the good old days...

Anyway, this establishment is now called 'More' - for reasons which will soon become apparent. I go there - went there, I should say...I certainly won't be going back - every working day to partake of their really rather good selection of vegetarian soups. I'd accompany the compote (as poncy people would call the bowl of souped-up gruel they serve) with two thick slices of bread or two rolls, depending upon what was availaible, two small tublets of flora margerine and a fruit smoothie drink. It's the same price everyday - £3.80. I am, if nothing else, a creature of habit.

So, imagine my surprise to see, among the basket of sliced bread and rolls, that the normally unadulterated rolls (they do lovely fruited and nutty ones...) had been bisected - cut down the middle from the top down, not laterally sliced as you normally would to butter them - as if in an attempt to disguise them as ends of a cut loaf.

Of course, the Swipe sensors went into overload - this always happens whenever I fear that I may be asked to pay over the odds (or sometimes to pay at all) for a particular service (or pecadillo). So, by the time I reached the checkout I was braced for the total doled out like a disgusting plate of school spag bol by the boss-eyed, seven chinned troll who earns a crust taking the hard-borrowed grants out of the pocket of the impoverished student body and straining her vocabulary to its very limits in the conducting of such complex exchanges as these. "Four fifty please" she piped, the "pur-leease" sounding as if it were being tugged out of her. She sounded the way people who know and are unable or unwilling to disguise the fact that they're taking the piss do; her voice quavering with false politeness, the words barely able to conceal a guilty, glottal gulp. I handed over a fiver and told her that I could have bought the same amount of bread as two rolls yesterday for half the price. "I dun set prices", she grizzled, pawing a fifty pence piece into my palm, as if taking immeasurable pride from her own terminal ignorance - the gesture and her unchallengable air of smugness at her own stupidity concluding the transaction once and for all.

I headed off to get my cutlery, still shaking my head at this despicable capitalist wheeze, when I spotted one of the suited floorwalkers who flit hither and thither about the canteen to no apparent purpose (except, from what I can ascertain, to hold impromptu cabals with six or seven of their fellow somnabulants which seem designed purely to block consumers from the wares they wish to purchase). I put the same point to this - I'm presuming - managerial-level employee, reiterating the fact that, overnight, the cost of a roll had doubled. "He looked at me blankly before extending his jaw a little in the bemused manner of Valentine Dyall, Dreyfuss's assistant in the Pink Panther movies, and informing me (a little impatiently, I felt) of the following fluctuation in the international food market:

"Well, there have been quite significant increases in the price of wheat, didn't you know...."

So there you have it, dear, blessed Swipesters. Load up your gas-guzzlers with Mother's Pride - get the freezer stacked with Hovis. I can't begin to imagine what effect a *two-hunderd* *per* *cent* increase in the price of bread will have on the global economy, but at least now I know why the place is called fucking 'More'...


L.U.V. on y'all,

Bob




xxx
Bob

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Jihadist bags sexiest Lawyer in the world - exclusive

Hello Swipettes,

News just in from Rome:

Reuters report that Britisher police have finally been allowed to question the suspect being held in Rome in connection with disturbing the peace in London on 21/7 of this year. The suspect, Hussein Osman, was tracked down in the Italian capital some weeks ago and he has been linked with a suspicious device found in the environs of Shepherd Bush, Londinium. The device, a very large tape player of some description with very large stereo speakers, woofers and tweeters etc and a carrying handle, capable of what Police are calling "a seriously loud racket". Detective Inspector Ian Someone (no relation) opined: "it's fuck off loud. If my kids ever come home with one, I'm having their nuts off. Little toerags." The machine contained a full set of batteries and a tape, playback of which revealed a recording of several very loud explosions and what may possibly have been a blown raspberry or buttock fart. The device, known in some circles as a Caliphate-blaster, was primed for use and detectives investigating the incident have reported that it was only through sheer good fortune that the tape had not played. Police suggest that were it not for the tape having been badly mangled,possibly by a canine, or similar sized mammal - although they're not ruling out an unwitting kiddy sabotage, there would almost certainly have been a major incident. Police projections suggest that the capital was seconds away from being rocked by a very loud noise or possibly even exessively booming urban groove, R & B or gangsta rap - although they are ruling out a Raggamuffin revival in da hood. Such a scenario could have caused no end of alarm and provoked unprecedented levels of road and cycle rage in an already spooked and resentful capital.

Hussein denies the accusation, claiming to have been intent upon maiming and killing as many people as possible in a senseless act of carnage and self-mutilation, but it is widely assumed that he will be made an example of under TOUGH NEW TERROR LAWS aimed at removing restrictions on Britisher police gunning down innocent Brazilians in cold blood and removing the last vestiges of individual freedoms from the zombie-fied and witless populace. In an unrelated and totally spurious development, Hussein's lawyer, the stunning Anonietta Sonnessa, has been announced as the latest recruit for Celebrity Mullah baiting - Channel 4's new moronic mind-mangling format-spazz. She joins Shimon Peres, Joan Bakewell, J.K.Rowling and Shami Chakrabhati in the house on Thursday.

Rebrand UK

Morning Swipesters!

Well, strange as it may seem coming from an ex-pat Welsh-American who doesn't know one end of batsman from a wicketkeeper's box, but isn't Cricket just a great game? So much better than silly old Football! Just have the dang trophy Chelsea, will ya? I have resolved to follow the rest of the series if at all possible - those Ashes are right up for grabs now, right Australia?

But on a more serious note, I am pleased that at long last steps are being taken in the old country to forge a similar feeling of nationhood and comradeship as exists here in the U.S. of A. How many times have I driven past an American-Indian reservation and marvelled at the way we integrate immigrants into this country, whilst allowing them to preserve their own cultures and traditions (sans buffalo, obviously). At long last, my own country of origin is about to introduce a similar approach. And about time too!

Yes, Home office Ministeress Hazel Bleugh has outtlined proposals aimed at ending the divisive impact ethnic difference is having on the old country. Fearful of attempts by Asian Islamofascists to undermine national unity by blowing up citizens of every hue and creed, it has been decided that a rebranding exercise could stress the commonality of all UK citizens and establish a more cohesive society. Sounds fair to me. Thus, I am no longer Welsh, but British-Welsh, Asians are now British-Asian and so on. This will be particularly useful in bridging the divided communities of Northern Ireland. How will they be able to fight their fellow British-Northern-Irish men and women? Exactly, it just doesn't make sense, does it?

So, a jolly good thing if you ask me. It will surely take no time at all for the newly-named British-Asian-Islamofascists to reintegrate themselves into our wonderfully free and tolerant society so that they too can begin to enjoy the pleasures of warm beer, cricket on the green and chicken tikka massala.

Well done Hazel!


Kaplinsky watch: No 129 Monday, 8th August

Attire: Subtle pinstripe-skirt-suit-type-thing (racy-lacy trim - or exposed under garment? More research needed)

Shoes: Strappy, sluttish. No Crimson disco? Generally preferred with p/s.

Hair: 4.8 on the PCMS (Post-coital/Mussing Scale) Has acquired hairbrush? More research required [No styling mousse. Running late?]

Demeanour: Smug, shag serene.

Smile effort estimate: 0.7 % (Still buzzing? Ball bearings?)

Kaplinsky watch is a non-profit organisation which aims to outlaw this degrading, barbaric and pointless sport.



Love on y'all,


Bob

Interactive Bob

Hi Swipesters,

Well, the response to the offer of choosing this site's content was quite overwhelming. A big Swipe thanks you to all of you who took part in this. Now, the votes were not also very numerous, but also, incredibly close. So, in order to ease the pressure on my mailbag, I've decided to post up the three most popular items in reverse order. Starting with today's entry - Stephen Hawking's revisited, his born-again Creationist account of the origin of the Universe - I will post up the runner-up and winner tommorow and Friday. In the meantime, enjoy!

(Bear with it - it works if you read it in the voice...)


A brief History of the Universe (Revised and updated by Rev. S. Hawking)

In the be-gin-ning God cre-a-ted the hea-ven and the earth. And the earth was with-out form, and void; and dark-ness was up-on the face of the deep. And the Spi-rit of God moved up-on the face of the wat-ers. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God di-vi-ded the light from the dark-ness. And God called the light Day, and the dark-ness he called Night. And the e-ven-ing and the morn-ing were the first day.
And God said, Let there be a fir-ma-ment in the midst of the wa-ters, and let it di-vide the wa-ters from the wa-ters. And God made the fir-ma-ment, and di-vi-ded the wa-ters which were un-der the fir-ma-ment from the wa-ters which were above the fir-ma-ment: and it was so. And God called the fir-ma-ment Hea-ven. And the e-ve-ning and the mor-ning were the se-cond day.
And God said, Let the wa-ters un-der the hea-ven be gath-ered to-geth-er un to one place, and let the dry land ap-pear: and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth; and the gath-er-ing to-geth-er of the wa-ters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good. And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yiel-ding seed, and the fruit tree yiel-ding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in it-self, up-on the earth: and it was so. And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yiel-ding seed after his kind, and the tree yiel-ding fruit, whose seed was in it-self, after his kind: and God saw that it was good. And the e-ven-ing and the morn-ing were the third day.
And God said, Let there be lights in the fir-ma-ment of the hea-ven to di-vide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for sea-sons, and for days, and years: And let them be for lights in the fir-ma-ment of the hea-ven to give light up-on the earth: and it was so. And God made two great lights; the grea-ter light to rule the day, and the less-er light to rule the night: he made the stars al-so. And God set them in the fir-ma-ment of the hea-ven to give light up-on the earth, And to rule o-ver the day and o-ver the night, and to di-vide the light from the dark-ness: and God saw that it was good. And the e-ven-ing and the morn-ing were the fourth day.
And God said, Let the wa-ters bring forth a-bun-dant-ly the mov-ing crea-ture that hath life, and fowl that may fly a-bove the earth in the o-pen fir-ma-ment of hea-ven. And God cre-a-ted great whales, and e-ver-y liv-ing crea-ture that mov-eth, which the wa-ters brought forth a-bun-dant-ly, af-ter their kind, and e-ver-y wing-ed fowl af-ter his kind: and God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, say-ing, Be fruit-ful, and mul-ti-ply, and fill the wa-ters in the seas, and let fowl mul-ti-ply in the earth. And the e-ven-ing and the morn-ing were the fifth day.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the li-ving creature after his kind, cat-tle, and cree-ping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. 25 And God made the beast of the earth af-ter his kind, and cat-tle af-ter their kind, and ev-ery-thing that cree-peth up-on the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
And God said, Let us make man in our im-age, after our like-ness: and let them have do-min-i-on o-ver the fish of the sea, and o-ver the fowl of the air, and o-ver the cat-tle, and o-ver all the earth, and o-ver e-ver-y creep-ing thing that cree-peth up-on the earth. So God cre-a-ted man in his own im-age, in the im-age of God cre-a-ted he him; male and fe-male cre-a-ted he them. And God blessed them, and God said un-to them, Be fruit-ful, and mul-ti-ply, and re-plen-ish the earth, and sub-due it: and have do-min-i-on o-ver the fish of the sea, and o-ver the fowl of the air, and o-ver ev-er-y liv-ing thing that mov-eth up-on the earth. And God said, Be-hold, I have giv-en you e-ver-y herb bear-ing seed, which is up-on the face of all the earth, and ev-er-y tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yiel-ding seed; to you it shall be for meat. And to ev-er-y beast of the earth, and to ev-er-y fowl of the air, and to ev-er-y thing that cree-peth up-on the earth, where-in there is life, I have giv-en ev-er-y green herb for meat: and it was so. And God saw ev-er-y thing that he had made, and, be-hold, it was ve-ry good. And the e-ven-ing and the morn-ing were the sixth day.

Tomorrow,

"He do the Police in funny Voices" - What T.S. Eliot really meant to say.



Love on ya,


Bob

Maggie's dead

Sadly not the case - but click on this come the glorious day.

Puerile I know, but it doesn't rank with screwing an entire nation - so Allah will forgive....


Enjoy,


Bob

The long slide towards totalitarianism starts here!

Hi Swipe fiends,

Once again my attempts to draw a discrete veil over this site and allow it to join the Hall of Fame of "had their fifteen minutes, what shall we talk about over the water cooler today now we've stopped reading Belle de Jour" blogs have failed (yes, I can so do long sentences with extravagant clauses etc.) A bulging post bag (Cheers the Stridster) has made me recant my avowed intent to send this site sinking to the bottom of the virtual swimming pool in a bizarre Wim Duisenberg/Brian Jones-type fashion. So, you'll both be pleased to know that I am returning to the fray, sleeves rolled up to take on...hmm, let me see - what's the big issue de nose jaws ?(as we say on Capitol Hill)

I guess it's got to be an wanted return to that beastly old War on Terror schtick. Now, you all know me - a more reasonable and tolerant kinda guy you couldn't hope to meet. But - like the Britisher Observer - I gotta say you guys have just gone a teeny bit too far in bowing down to those who would have us circumcise our daughters and think a 80,000 virgins per self immolation is some kinda attractive deal. Now, don't get me wrong - I could use 80,000 virgins myself (although I'm not too sure what for...) - but this is precisely the kinda warped logic that's meant that our guys have had to dispense with our centuries old penal codes and human rights legislation (and, I admit, this has also involved occasionally urinating on your Holy book) in order to keep our society safe from....blah blah blah - you know the drill by now. So, brothers and sisters of the book, I implore you- think very long and hard about the pleasures you are being offered (I mean, 80,000 is just inconceivable, right? I mean, where would you ever find the reserves?) Try Playboy/Penthouse/Forum/Escort - any of the above are available from most reputable newsagents - heck, they don't even wrap them up in brown papier no more. So, give the old guy a tug - sure, you can dream on those 80,000 honeyz all you like, brother - if you feel the frustrations of those all too brief spin around the sun are getting too much for yo' ass. But guys, will you do us all a favour and play with the nail boms somewhere that doesn't include my chums from Swipe Towers UK (Inc.) having to pick pieces of your robes out of their lacerated stomachs?

OK, I hope that's cleared things up.

I have to get a cup of coffee. Back later.

Love on y'all...


Bob