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Wednesday, 10 August 2005

Jihadist bags sexiest Lawyer in the world - exclusive

Hello Swipettes,

News just in from Rome:

Reuters report that Britisher police have finally been allowed to question the suspect being held in Rome in connection with disturbing the peace in London on 21/7 of this year. The suspect, Hussein Osman, was tracked down in the Italian capital some weeks ago and he has been linked with a suspicious device found in the environs of Shepherd Bush, Londinium. The device, a very large tape player of some description with very large stereo speakers, woofers and tweeters etc and a carrying handle, capable of what Police are calling "a seriously loud racket". Detective Inspector Ian Someone (no relation) opined: "it's fuck off loud. If my kids ever come home with one, I'm having their nuts off. Little toerags." The machine contained a full set of batteries and a tape, playback of which revealed a recording of several very loud explosions and what may possibly have been a blown raspberry or buttock fart. The device, known in some circles as a Caliphate-blaster, was primed for use and detectives investigating the incident have reported that it was only through sheer good fortune that the tape had not played. Police suggest that were it not for the tape having been badly mangled,possibly by a canine, or similar sized mammal - although they're not ruling out an unwitting kiddy sabotage, there would almost certainly have been a major incident. Police projections suggest that the capital was seconds away from being rocked by a very loud noise or possibly even exessively booming urban groove, R & B or gangsta rap - although they are ruling out a Raggamuffin revival in da hood. Such a scenario could have caused no end of alarm and provoked unprecedented levels of road and cycle rage in an already spooked and resentful capital.

Hussein denies the accusation, claiming to have been intent upon maiming and killing as many people as possible in a senseless act of carnage and self-mutilation, but it is widely assumed that he will be made an example of under TOUGH NEW TERROR LAWS aimed at removing restrictions on Britisher police gunning down innocent Brazilians in cold blood and removing the last vestiges of individual freedoms from the zombie-fied and witless populace. In an unrelated and totally spurious development, Hussein's lawyer, the stunning Anonietta Sonnessa, has been announced as the latest recruit for Celebrity Mullah baiting - Channel 4's new moronic mind-mangling format-spazz. She joins Shimon Peres, Joan Bakewell, J.K.Rowling and Shami Chakrabhati in the house on Thursday.

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