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Thursday, 19 April 2007

Move Over Girl With a Copy Of One Trick Pony...

Bored and listless and worried about a family friend, I do what I always do when I need cheering up and scoot over to everyone's favourite outed blog superstar, GWAOTM. If nothing else, it always kills a few moments totting up the notches on the bedpost, picturing her there, legs akimbo being juddered into a pool of senseless mushiness by some long-tooled Best-Boy or obliging Key Grip; pausing to wonder if she actually does mouth the words as she types them the way I always imagine her to...

But, quelle horreur!! I've come away from today's visit *doubly* despondent. Firstly, seems our heroine has been a bit off coleur [no, I don't know why I'm doing the French accent, either...] Never one to wallow in self-pity ("I’ve felt like I was a walking zombie, barely functioning. I tried to justify all this to myself with different reasons – the changes in my life, post-‘outing’; the constant, draining, book-related promotion; no longer having my film-industry job with which to be energised over; extended influenza; suffering a personal loss..."), our sassy cineastic saucepot can't put her finger on what it could be that's making her useless for anything but the customary prolonged post-book signing sexathon with an accomodating Waterstone's ex-employee of the month. But a quick visit to the Quack puts all our minds at rest. Seems she's gone all Hypothyroid on uz asses. Poor thing's barely been able to lift her knees behind her ears, so weak and listless has she been. So, problem duly diagnosed, hopefully she'll be back in full blogtastic form asap.

And then, still reeling from the troubles and woes of the UK's foremost sex bloggeur (zut alors, what is with all the French??) I come across Gwaotm's link to this - the fantastic work of imaginative wordplay that is everybody's *new* favourite bird-has-sex-a-lot-and-blogs-it-all-up-for-us-to-whack-one-off-to-site - Bitchy Jones's Diary. As Gwaotm says, not only does "she [write] beautifully, but besides being articulate, incredibly funny, and interesting to read, she is also - to [Gwaotm's] mind - a feminist, which makes her even more worthy of attention."

And there' shitloads of bonking too, apparently

I've only had a quick look, but, seriously - cynicism aside - Gwaotm's literary ear does not deceive her. A merest snippet of the prosody on offer:

Anyway, I started writing this post and it turned more into a sort of how-I-have-sex thing. And I thought that would still be a cool thing to post. You know, educational. I had to be careful writing I though, because lots of times I found myself not writing about what actually happens and just trying to make it sound hot. Not that I don’t think this is hot, obviously, if I didn’t it would be a pretty ridiculous way to spend my time. But I didn’t just want to write a wank post. There are plenty of posts on the internet about how kinky sex is all whee and shiny and woah, just look at me go!

Eliot described writing as being a series of "raids on the inarticulate". He would, I'm sure have approved.

So, what are you waiting for?? Get over there. What could be better than art you can wank to?? They should think of a name for it...

L.U.V. on y'all,


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  1. Oh dear....I haven't checked Zoe out for quite a while. Sounds like dildo time.

    Or maybe she needs a few weeks in Jamaica.

  2. I go there now and again but was a bit upset she didn't want me to be her twitter friend - do you think that's because I have on occasion referred to her as girlwithonefatbehind ?

  3. I reckon it's 'cos you haven't got a male appendage...not that I'd know either way obviously, but perhaps ol' Zoe is only going for the desperate internet male who worships the ground she walks on?

  4. What? Even though she's got onefatbehind? (mind you there's nothing wrong with a big bottom - as sung about so well in that fabulous Spinal Tap ditty).

  5. Zoe doesn't seem to appreciate my comments either rm. I've wasted a few good jokes over there. Not any more. She's too fickle for me anyway.

  6. Dickley - (sorry Bob - it's like a day centre round here isn't it) She used to reply to my comments as we share (or used to in her case) a career in the film/tv industry. I don't comment much anymore - just lurk. Anyway - Bob's done another poocast which I must absolutely go and try to listen to.