As ministers today revealed plans to extend the electoral franchise to include those serving prison sentences, the government has been rocked by allegations that it plans ultimately to do away with the penal system altogether. In an astonishing outburst, prison reform campaigner and Strictly Come Dancing contestant Kara Tointon
Tointon: scantily clad for satirical purposes...
accused the government of planning to close down all of the country's jails by 2016 in a drastic attempt to save money.
"What we're hearing is the insidious drip-drip-drip of policy announcement and supposedly independent evidence put out into the public domain in order to create a climate in which this outrageous step might somehow seem to be a rational and sensible one. Yesterday we had the frankly bewildering news that heroin is better for you than the odd can or two of Colt 45, paving the way for drug decriminalisation in the near future. Today they're giving criminals the vote. What next? Legislation that makes it perfectly OK to thieve and rob, to murder and abuse???" If I'd wanted a bunch of hoody-loving, namby-pamby do-gooders to be running the country, I'd have voted Liberal Democrat....erm..."
A clearly wrong-footed David Cameron responded angrily to the claims. " Look, I think it's entirely reasonable that these indecent, non-working, law disregarding people be allowed to exercise their democratic rights at the ballot box. After all, by the time we're through wreaking havoc on the social fabric of the nation, we'll need every vote we can get, I can tell you! I realise that for a small minority, living on the ill-gotten gains of their criminal activities is a lifestyle choice - but I'll come to reform of the House of Lords later if you'll bear with me - but at least these crooks are not scrounging on the dole and claiming housing benefit - mainly because we've seen to it that they can't. They have to wait for 2 months after coming out of chokey before they can claim any state benefits at all, and given that we only give them £42 pounds when they finish their stir, it's probably no surprise that half of them end up back in the clink, really. Besides, what's the big deal about the odd bit of harmless skullduggery and bending the rules a bit? It hasn't stopped Andy Coulson rising to the top of government, has it? I want to be quite clear about this: blim-blam-blooooblooob-glitch-hammock-zaba-daba-deeeee-boon-boon-boon..."
The prison farrago comes on top of fresh evidence that the country's economy is indeed heading for a double dip recession. Statistics revealed today by Felicity Kendall suggest that by 2016 the jobless totals in the private sector alone could have risen by 1.6 million.
Kendall: scantily satirical for cladding purposes...
"Add these to the nearly 1/2 a million public sector losses already announced and things are starting to look a bit grim," said Kendall in between executing a perlious series of leg splits whilst sliding in between the legs of her dance partner, Vincent. " At this rate, they may as well close all the prisons down. No one will have anything worth stealing anyway..."