Drug reclassification: a cut out and keep guide...

As a reformed substance abuser, I take a keen interest in developments in the area of policing and legislating the use of illegal drugs and chemical enhancers. Well, I say reformed; I'm down to two tubs of Copydex a day which might sound like a lot to you, but is a *very* long way from the apogee of my addiction when I was maintaining a 5 figure-per-day industrial strength adhesive habit. You'd only need to have looked at my Homebase customer loyalty points to realise that I was in a seriously bad way. So, I'm obviously as shocked and surprised by today's announcement of the new drug classification recommendations as anyone. It's a complicated business alright, and one's sympathy goes out to the young people of today as they try to work their way through the minefield of advice and proscription, often conflicting and heavily couched in judgemental morality, as they try to decide the best way for them to get completely off their mash with the pittance they have left over from their jobseeker's allowance now that they're having to stump up all that extra cash to make up for the housing benefit cuts being imposed on them to bail out the banking sector that nearly brought the global economy to a point of total anarchy.

So, we here at Swipe Towers have gone through the new classifications with a fine tooth comb - not to mention a couple of rolled up twenties - so that our readers will know the cheapest and the safest way to get seriously fucked up by mind-altering substances. The drugs are listed in class order, with a helpful street value and easy to understand illustration of their respective strengths and harmful side-effects.

Class A

Heroin.

Strength/Side effects:

Not as bad for you as you might think, but using will probably subject the individual to quite unnecessary exposure to the songs of Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground. Not quite as bad for you as a prolonged arm-wrestle with Betty Stove, but has a bit more of a nip to it than the average street dose of Aruldite.

Street value:

Currently you can pick up a fairly useful sachet for about 17p, but if you're living in a rural area, it will cost you about a tenner each way to get to your dealer and back so you might want to stick with a litre bottle of Diamond White from the offy round the corner and add a bit of sherbet dip to get the pleasant bubbling-in-the-petri-dish effect of proper smack.

Cocaine:

Strength/Side effects.

Surprisingly, coke is almost completely harmless - if you're not too worried about losing the bit of your nose between the two nostrils and being forced onto an endless treadmill of reality TV shows while you wait for the platic surgery replacement to knit together so you can go back to being in Eastenders.

Street value:

Currently being given away with the Observer newspaper now that they've run out of cheap DVDs of films you've already seen a hundred and one times. Get in quick though; rumours of an impending visit to Columbia by football legend Diego Maradona may see prices set to soar in the new year.

Class B:

Cannabis.

Strength/Side effects.

Not as potent as the stuff that blew a million minds in the 70s. Most deals today are now padded out with common or garden herbs such as Oregano, Thyme and Tarragon. Not for those who desire a proper 'hit' after a nice meal and a glass of wine; but probably not a bad idea to sprinkle a bit on your rocket and parmesan salad if you want to liven up the entrees at your next tupperware party.

Street value:

About 80p a go in my local Waitrose. They also do handy top up packs so you can keep re-using the nice little jar and do your bit to save the planet.

Alcohol

Strength/Side effects.

The big shock of the current review. Alcohol, consumed irresponsibly, is more harmful for you than most of the class A and B chemicals, a fact which will certainly have a marked influence on policy in the months ahead - and lead to a lot of people giving up drugs to get blotto mixing cheap supermarket plonk and spirits instead. Not quite as dangerous as rollerskaing across Piccadilly Circus with a blindfold on, whistling Chesney Hawkes' 'I am the one and only', but booze is still pretty lethal when consumed in large quantities. Dosage is also a serious contributing factor to the harmful effects of drinking. The calorific content alone of bitter shandy consumed in sufficient quantities to have the slightest effect on the average person is enough to put you in hospital, never mind the price of purchasing 500 crates of the stuff and getting it back from the cash and carry.

Street value:

Varies; a typical meths based cocktail can keep you going for several nights and you'll probably still have change left over from a twenty for a packet of pork scratchings. Commercially available beverages tend to be more pricey so unless you can dare to risk a visit to the local off license where you have as much chance of being stabbed by the local druggies as you do of getting liver damage, you're probably better off buying a cheap bicycle and sticking with smack. The choice is yours...

xxx
Bob