When I saw the crest on the back of the envelope, I thought at first that it was another demand from the Inheritence Tax bods. As if £50,000 smackers plus wasn't enough, already..
But when I opened it, there was a heavily scented letter (vermouth/curry powder - slight undertone of vomit, or possibly ready-grated supermarket parmesan - I can't be certain). It read:
Dear Mr. Swipe,
I am writing to you on behalf of Her Majesty in connection with this year's New Year's Honours List. I have the pleasure to inform you that you are to be recognised for your services to the world wide web, telecommunications and cheap, soft-porn satires at the expense of insignificant television presenters and dwarf-baiitng by being awarded Membership of the Order of The British Empire. Her Majesty has asked me to communicate her own personal satisfaction at the nomination as she has for some time been a keen reader of your work, despising as she does, "that bloody Kerplunkski woman", as she is wont to refer to a certain television presenter. Her Majesty is a woman of strong opinion, not easily deflected from her prejudices, and is not particularly fond of the Poles as a people, I'm afraid.
Assuming your acceptance of the award, your investiture will take place on 13th March at 3pm. Kneepads will be provided, although you may wish to provide your own condiments, according to taste. I would be grateful if you could confirm to me in writing whether or not you wish to attend. Her Majesty still hasn't forgiven "that scouse wanker" for returning his. "Cold Turkey? My Arse!" is a frequently heard cry around the royal residences whenver the wireless happens to be tuned to counting down of the hit parade. A shame, as the Queen Mother was somewhat of a fan.
Hamish MacRae-Canteloupe, Equerry to the Royal Household.
Then this, in a girlish scrawl at the bottom (hearts instead of dots over the 'i's:
...it would have been last year if it hadn't been for that Blumen Hestonthal...
So, what to do??
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