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Thursday, 17 May 2007

Tanya Beckett and Sophie Raworth are *STILL* Waiting for Godot...

TB:, Soph. Can I ask you something?

SR: Mmm hmm.

TB: Which do you prefer; salad cream or mayo?

SR: ...ummm......oooooh.....ummmmm....

TB: Christ on a bike, it's not as if I've asked you what's the square root of 64,036 or something...

SR: Alright, Little Miss Impatieosity....I was just weighing up the pros and cons....oh, alright - mayo. Ah, and it's 8,006 by the way...

TB: did you work that out?

SR: Well, some of us actually bothered to pay attention during maths lessons, Miss Hoity-Toity, "I've-got-my-own-Business-Brunch-Supplement-come-and-stare-at-my-knockers-on-BBC-News-24-that-*nobody*-outside-the-Swiss-Banking-fraternity-watches-anyway" - which is why we do the prestigious 1 O'Clock News slot and not just filling in for Declan Curry on the Breakfast Business Bulletin when he's had one too many Caffrey's in the Stock Exchange bar of an evening...

TB: ....excuse me??..

SR: Well, it's *true*. Tans, much as I love you Babe, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. And, while the gloves are off - you're a pale shadow of the woman you once were. I doubt you'd even get a job saying "Sir Alan will see you now" if - as they surely will - the Business unit ever finds out about your £13,000 a day coke habit and perverse sexual peccadillos. I mean, how do you get them back in the stables without anyone finding out??

TB: That's utter nonsense - isn't it, Desiree?

Desiree: Talk to the hand sistah - I ain't gettin' involved in *no* shit* with you two again, innit? Give me Sian Williams *any* day. She might be Welsh, but at least her ain't got no errs 'n' greeces on 'er...

TB: Thanks for nothing, Desiree.

SR: I mean, look at you now, even as I speak to you - busting out all over the place, flashing your hindquarters at every Tom, Dick and Turnbull like some cheap, over-perfumed lady of the night, half of Columbia shoved inside a vix inhaler and stale piece of marmite on toast hanging from your VPL...

TB: Oh SHIT! - me garter's gone again! And me Vix's run out - I think I'm hyperventilating...

SR: Anyway - how about you....Salad cream or Mayo??

TB: Well, at least there's *one* thing we can agree on Soph. Not only is salad cream common as muck, it tastes like Suzannah Reid's teddy clips after a *particularly* heavy session on the anaerobic treadmill.....Here have these just to show there's no hard feeling and as a symbol of our eternal sororiety in all things mayonaisse...

SR: Oh Tans, they're lovely! Sorry if I was a bit hard on you. It may all be true, but you have a heart of gold really. Where did you get them?

TB: Sally Army. I use them to smuggle my toot past the sniffer dogs at St. Pancras. Couple of lines and a quicky behind the Salvation Hall and it was sorted...

SR: Ah - how sweet - and look, there's a bag of sulpher poking out of one of the begonias..*just* the thing to wash down.....minty choc drinks all round, eh girls??

ALL: Mmmm hmmmm!!

L.U.V. on y'all,


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© 2007 Swipe Enterprises


  1. Look, I told you what you had to do to get my mobile number, ok?

    Egg mayo rocks!