The Robert Swipe Show - Coming To a Small Screen Near You Any Moment NOW!!

That's right Swipesters!!

Great tidings here from Swipe Towers! We are moments away from sealing a deal that will finally bring your favourite internet smut/comedy fusion fix direct into your living room! (Unless of course you already have a PC set up in your living room, in which case you're gonna have to come up with a pretty good excuse for the number of hours you spend supposedly 'looking for a cheaper deal on the car insurance' while you're really gawping at all the cheap smut and desperately accomodating illegal immigrants we post up here...sorry guys, but I gotta make a livin' too....)

That's right, having dropped our previous pitch policy of referring to the CEOs of major networks as 'the cunts at the top' and attempting to smear their secretaries cum midweek fumble after the office bowling night with alcohol based aphrodisiac rub, we have smarted up our game and consequently made major strides towards binging our dream of a Robert Swipe TV vehicle to life. We have teamed up with a major international con artist with a highly dubious police record and absolutely no previous experience of placing an experimental and poorly thought out TV format to the broadcasting fraternity and have had sincere expressions of interest from the Men and Motors channel, CBeebies, Timothy Whites TV - (the home of the What Dr. Scholl Sandal Bulletin) and BBC 4. Obviously, we realise that some of these stations are barely worth the energy it takes to find them with the remote and we're really just keepin' 'em in the hat to try to up the pressure on the real players. Mind you, if at the end of the day BBC4 is the only one left on the table, so be it...

We have lined up a stellar cast with celebrity Welsh midget



Rob Brydon pencilled in to take the role of me. (I know, but what can you do?) Plus we'll have your favourite regulars from The Show - Rowan Pelling,



Tanya Beckett and Sophie Raworth waiting for Godot, Blanche Librarian



and, of course, my little sister Roberta.

We'll keep you posted on developments, but make sure you keep an eye on the TV listings because it's gonna be some show!

Love on y'all,


Bob

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

New York Convention Update

Yo Swipesters!!

Well, 'Berta and I have just about got over the double whammy of our jetlag and then we have to sit through 90 minutes of the glorious gooners trying to do their Cheslea impression in order to hold onto the one-zero advantage they held from the first leg of their unprecendented Champions League semi final. As you can no doubt guess, the last few hours have been taken up with us frantically trying to book our flights to and accomodation in what is commonly regarded as the most romantic city on earth - although why on earth we've decided to watch the game in Darlington when it's being played in Paris, I really couldn't tell you...

So, you'll understand the obscenely long time it's taken for us to post up e review of our annual Swipefest convention we recently.....convened, I guess... in New York City. So, without further Emmanuel Adebayor, here it is!:

What can I say? The flight was simply AMAZING!:



New York, New York! So good you have to queue for several days just to be let in! (I did tell Roberta that it was maybe not the wisest thing to be wearing her "I'm a terrorist - Lock me up!! T-shirt - although the guys in Homeland Security were keen to follow up on the slogan advice on the back: "Go on, let me in and you can rub my tits!") We saw no one pissing on the Koran from our cell by the way - so don't believe everything you read! Although they did seem to be treating some of the arab guys in the cell next door in a little, shall we say, over familar fashion...

What is true is that we had entered the land of the free. You can do ANYTHING you like there - it's crazy. Well, apart from sit on the steps in the sculpture garden at the Museum of Modern Art.



Still, at least by following the camp commandant's instructions, we got to see this little beauty!



Yep, Folded Dog Turd VII is maybe not Matisse's best know work - nor her most subtle - but in my book, it was almost as much fun as all the nudey ones!

The Hotel was OK. There was a roof terrace, but unfortunately the views were rather spoiled by THIS monstrosity:



I dread to think what Prince Charles would say. Mind you, who really cares what's going through the mind of a pampered ponce who imagines himself stuffed up some horse-faced aristocrat's twat acting out the role of a menstrual absorbent? Not me, bub! At least the septics had the balls to boot the poncing monarchy out, even if they haven't learned to spell - color....I ask you...

Still, they couldn't have been more hospitable - even if the climb to get at the 'Buie decanter was maybe a tad on the long side...



And with a plentiful supply of the essentials right next door...



We really couldn't have asked for more!

(Well, there's always room for a couple of scantily clad illegal immigrants compliant to the point of slavery, but you get the general idea...)


More laters...


Love on y'all,


Bob





© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

P.D.Q. Bach - A tribute.

Yo Swipesters,

Regular readers will be aware of our nororiously high standards here. We rarely give a presigious Swipe Show pat on the back to just any old one. To get a name check on this show, you have to be pretty much at the top of your game and producing blog-based humour that is not only original and envelope busting, but relevent, sexy and bag fulla laughs (...obviously we've made an exception with Brian Damage here. Come on, could you turn down a year's worth of Pretty Polly vouchers for every plug you gave him? We can't afford to turn down free hosiery here, even if you lot can! Brian, you can leave the vouchers under the third bush on the left as usual, there'a good fella....) So you'll know that when we direct you to this man's site, you can expect nothing but the highest quality web wonderfullness. So please have a look at Peter Schickele's site - in particular his very amusing P.D.Q. Bach piece....

Do have a look - well, it made all of us here laugh!


Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Alida Valli - R.I.P.

"You know, you ought to get yourself a girl."

Love on ya,

Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

New York Stories....

#1 - Central Park....



Strawberry Fields, Central Park, NYC - 18th April 2006:

Roberta: "...so where have you dragged me halfway across the city to this time Bob?"

Me: "This is Strawberry Fields 'Berta.

Roberta: "....and....?"

Me: "Well, this is the garden and memorial to ex-Beatle John Lennon. They have a special garden here with plants and flowers from a hundred and fifty different countries. People come from all over the world to see this place - look at them all paying homage there by the inlaid mosaic with the simple, one word inscription in the centre - 'Imagine...'

Roberta: "....so why is the memorial here and not in Liverpool where he was born?"

Me: "Because he was assassinated in New York City, sis."

Roberta: "But where exactly was it he got shot?"

Me: "Well sis, I believe it was in the chest..."

Roberta: "..."


Apologies to the endlessly gifted Brian Damage...



More when I get over the jetlag.



Love on y'all,


Bob






© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Return of Roberta Swipe's Entertainment USA!!

Yo Swipesters!!


On the eve of our 4th Annual Swipefest, we thought there could be no better time to reintroduce one of our most popular features of the last few years - Roberta Swipe's Entertainment USA!!

As many of you will know, Roberta



has been in the US for the last few months undergoing corrective surgery on her appalling boss-eyes. Unfortunately, the series of painful and expensive operations have failed to reorient her right eye, so it is still staring out at an angle of 45 degrees from the true centre. But all is not lost as we were able to contact Phil Oakey's old barber who has finally been able to do something about those atrocious split ends of hers!! (As you can see, he's also been able to camouflage her cross-eyes enough to allow us to let her out of the house without a bag over her head. The miracles of modern medical science!!)

So, before we jet off to our Carnegie Hall Convention, here's Roberta with all the news from the States!!

Over to you Roberta!!!

Thanks Bob - it's great to be back!!

Hi!

Roberta Swipe here with all the week's stories from the good old US of A.



We start with news that 60s chanteuse and actress Jane Birkin is to host a brand new celebrity reality show that will screen over Easter. At a press conference in Paris, lovely Jane outlined details of the new format. The show will be set in woodlands outside Paris and will feature a group of C-list celebrities with nothing better to do. The celebrities will live on their wits, camping out in the treacherous Bois de Bologne for weeks, living on nuts and berries as they attempt to track down the gorgeous nymph who sprang to fame with her racy duet with Serge Gainsbourg on Je t'aime. "I'm really looking forward to the show, said a clearly delighted Jane, "and I can't wait to get shinnying up to my hiding place and watching those poor celebs rooting through the undergrowth in pursuit of me!"

The first episode of Birkin up the Wrong Tree will be broadcast on Easter Monday.



Worrying news for Canadian rockers Broken Social Scene. The populous Canadian group have been refused entry to the UK over emigration concerns that their management is describing as "blown out of all proportions". The 112 piece band whose current eponymous album is wowing critics on both sides of the Atlantic were due to perform a series of concerts in front of a an audience of twenty hand picked fans at a specially enlarged Royal Albert Hall. But the Home Office seems unlikely to budge after issuing this terse statement:

We are sadly unable to allow entry to these claimants. Britain is a small island and, whilst we are generally pleased to accept economic migrants from all of the world and value the marvellous contribution they make to our prosperity and culture, there is a fine line between being a welcoming host nation and being overrun by druggy bohemian types sponging off the state and getting our daughters up the duff. I've got nothing against them personally, but you want to see it 'round where I live - you can't move for 'em and they make no attempt to speak the language. Coming here with their intricately layered socially active power pop - send the buggers back I say. Bleedin' foreigners. Old Enoch wouldn't have stood for it....

The case continues this week...



That's all for now. See you again,


xxx


'Berta



And we'll be hearing more from Roberta through the week as she brings us regular updates from The 4th Annual Robert Swipe Convention In the meantime....

See y'all next week!!


Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Countdown To The 4th Annual Robert Swipe Show Convention!

Yes Swipesters,

It's that time of year again as we prepare to deck the halls with bows of high strength supermarket lager and make merry at the fourth annual Swipefest. This year, Roberta, Rowan and yours truly will be meeting fans of the show from around the world in wonderful old NYC!




That's right, we're hoping for an even bigger turnout than we got last year at the Milton Keynes Bowls and, if our predictions are anything like correct, we can anticipate an attendance up about fourfold on last year. So, let's hope all eight of you do turn up because otherwise booking Carngie Hall's gonna look a tiny bit over-optimistic.



Again.

As always, the event will be themed and we've gone a bit out of left-field this time. So, anyone who is thinking of turning up should bear in mind that they may well look somewhat out of place if they don't enter into the spirit of things by donning the traditional fancy dress. Still, by opting for a theme like cheap whore/slut/dominatrix, this year we feel we've left you plenty of room to be as imaginative and downright obscene as you have been in previous years. (I for one will never forget Rowan's novel approach to postage stamp application when we opted for a 'Return to Sender' theme in 2003. The imprint of the Queen's face is still just about visible down there, you'll be surprised to learn. So it just goes to show what can be done with a little imagination and a whole shedload of depravity!


I'll admit - this wasn't quite what I was expecting to find when I googled the word 'Slut'


As an added bonus, my big sister Roberta


Roberta: my beautiful, boss-eyed sister. The Phil Oakey of web-based porn....


will posting a day-by-day convention diary to keep you all posted with the wild and crazy antics we've been getting up to, so do keep checking in on us while we're away as there's a fair chance the handcuffs and mouth gag costume I'm planning for my big sis may even help to keep her sober enough to post at least once this year. Before I sign off, I'd just like to welcome anyone in the NYC environs to venture forth with a few suggestions regarding nightlife and general activities for our busy team of convention organisers. We're pretty open minded with regards to nights out on the town, so keep the suggestions coming.



Love on y'all,




Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

My Space - a Statement From The Robert Swipe Show

Dear Swipesters,

You will no doubt be aware of the recent furore circulating in the national press (and the Grauniad) regarding internet security concerns raised by the enormous popularity of teen-friendly internet communities such as MySpace.com. As some of you will be aware, I have been spending a fair amount of time over at myspace helping my sister Roberta launch her new web-based soft-porn with farmyard animals project and I felt that some of the rumours circulating needed to be addressed here so that our regular readers and sponsors (Advertorial: Twickenham Fine Ales - the only beer you can drink all day and into the early hours of the morning and tell the Managing Director what a shoddy pint you've just had to his face...) would have a more balanced view of our plans and the motives behind this new expansion. Our heavier than usual post bag was brimming with anguished letters on this subject, a sure sign that we needed to go public with our current position.

Let me state that:

1) We have no intention of relocating this site to Myspace.com, in the short or medium terms. Sure, it's great fun there but our heart will always be here with the really and truly great friends (and Scary Duck) we've attracted to our readership over the last year or so. Besides, you don't think a man of my advanced years and barely credible reputation has nothing better to do than stare for hours on end at scantily clad "suicide girls" cavorting mischievously over sharp objects with fake blood oozing down their pert mounds and barely formed nipples do you?? Jees - we got work to do, already! Come on!! Surely you don't begrudge a damaged husk of a man a few innocent and (barely) legal pleasure-filled afternoons involving emotionally damaged young goth nymphettes with a yen for badly laddered lingerie.....do ya??


Fractalsuicide: "...now, where's that scimitar??

2) Contrary to urban myth, we are very much aware that myspace.com was recently purchased by our sworn enemy Rupert Murdoch and his News International organization. We would ask those who have been critical of this apparently hypocritical move on our behalf to cut us some slack. As you will know, the entire ethos of our enterprise here at Swipe Towers is to subvert and undermine the current status quo. Everything we do here is aimed at challenging and overturning conventional attitudes and mind sets. (Apart from the gratuitous pics of scantily clad birds, of course....but, come on - even Chairman Mao had to have a laugh and let his hair down once in a while.....usually whilst eradicating large sections of the population.) Whilst I can't stop our more sophisticated readers from feeling that we are in some way letting the side down if they choose to, I will say this: when you come running back to us telling us how great we are when the whole shooting games has been closed down because the youth of the world can't take their eyes off Roberta's pins long enough to revise for their GCSEs, I'll only say "I told you so...."

3) I never touched her, officer. The marrows I can also explain...





Love on y'all,


Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

ITV4 Presents...

.....the return of.....





John Thaw.....






.....Dennis Waterman and....







....I dunno...probably someone like George Sewell in a major new adaptation of....






....T.S. Eliot's









Erect......


Oi, Regan!
PAINT me a cavernous waste shore
Cast in the unstilled Cyclades,
Paint me the bold anfractuous rocks
Faced by the snarled and yelping seas.

We're the Sweeney.....


.....and we haven't had our teas!!!!!




Love on y'all,




Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Bird Flu Hits Britain!!!!!

From our correspondent Stepanie Flandersandswan in Cellardyke, Scotland:

The scene we have all been dreading: in a small town off the north eastern coast of Scotland, white coated government scientists huddle in earnest discussion beside a well-manned police cordon. Behind the jiggling line of bobbies, a wispy moulted feather gently flaps in the chill spring breeze. There, just visible between a constable's parted legs, lying on the ground surrounded by tiny hard pellets is the carcass of a small, bespectacled bird....





Newsrooms were today bracing themselves for the anticipated cull. Shivering newscasters, crammed into hastily erected and inadequately sized sheds across the country as police set about constructing a 20 mile exclusion zone arond BBC Breakfast news presenter Kate Silverton - the first British victim of the avian flu pandemic...





The experts are asking a whole raft of potentially irrelevant questions - has this lone migrant from Sky News had time to infect the indigenous BBC flock? Could this be the end for Bill Turnbull, his neck rung by an overtime hungry veterinary surgeon on a bleak moor in Uttoxeter? And what of poor Mishal Hussain and Tanya Beckett, both currently on the nest? Could they be incubating some evil mutant spawn, doomed in the egg as they gestate a virulent new strain of the disease as we speak? Or am I thinking of Sian Williams?? Regardless, we can take no chances. The incinerators are firing up as we speak.



Beckett: burnt to a cinder along with her evil brood....


But what of the deeper causes. When the dust settles and the feathers no longer fly, senior DEFRA sources suggest that the inquest may point the finger for this tragedy at the scandalous way in which we treat our anchor people. Can we really be proud of ourselves for allowing these poor creatures to be kept in such horrendous conditions, often as many as 5 or six presenters couped up in a large, comfortable environment with copious amounts of coffee and fresh croissants to hand?? The stark verdict of the experts I've spoken to is that if the nightmare scenario unfolds and the H5N1 virus mutates as expected, we have no one to blame but ourselves if the epidemic spreads to GMTV.



A rueful Mishal Husain ponders the extermination of her pox-ridden brood....


The nation holds its breath.....


Love on y'all,



Bob









© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Could It Be She Is Risen??????????

.......is THIS some kind of a practical joke??????????

Praise the Lord!!!!!



Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Blair Set to Announce Tough New Measures in Global War on Pensioners

Swipesters,

PM Tony Blair is set to outline a drastic series of measures today to combat what he sees as the increasing threat to our security of radicalized senior citizens. The new hardline approach will add to procedures such as lifetime detainment already in place under the anti-ageing legislation recently introduced by the Home Secretary Charles Clarke. Under this additional and highly controversial legislation, old people can be held in secure units without trial and with no release date pending. There they are ritually humiliated - often forced to stand around gawping for hours on end like hypnotised guppies while their "carers" routinely flick cold porridge at them with a spoon and make "spazzo" faces at them behind their backs. In some cases, inmates have had their copies of Readers' Digest confiscated and been forced to watch that new Noel Edmunds programme in clear and deliberate contravention of the Geneva Convention. This tough new crackdown on detainees is expected to be extended soon to hospitals and day care centres where the elderly can be expected to wait hours on trolleys in cold and dank corridors once it has been established that their care will be too costly.


"You won't be smiling when we put you to sleep, dear...."

Defending the proposals, a passionate Blair declared "these people represent the very antithesis of everything we stand for. We stand for youth, vigour and continence, whereas these people can't even control their flaming bladders. Do you think they understand the value of a Tuscan holiday home, or the niceties of rustic Italian cooking? We must stand firm against all those who would see our nice new, shiny, crumbly PFI hospitals turned into mausoleums drenched in piss, shit and vomit. We will stand firm by our values - I mean, like, don't they know how much it costs to clean up all that mess? (Well, next to nothing, as we get terrified immigrants to do it for a few coppers, but you get my point...) Who's going to want to privatise that sickening pile of effluent full of morons?"

In a further cranking up of the pressure on the radical elderly, the Food Standards Agency will be implementing compulsory food supplements aimed at masking the occurence of vitamin B12 deficiency in old people. Under the guise of reducing the 4,000 or so incidents of Spina Bifida and other brain deficiencies common in early pregnancy by forcing all potential mothers (and everyone else)to consume the supplement, the government will attempt to undermine the health of the 150,000 or so elderly people at risk from the lack of B12 by making it impossible to detect that they are deficient in it. "If these people want to have a vitamin deficiency, they can go and do it in Iran, but not here!" said Mr. Blair, making odd gestapo-like heel clicking/fascist salute-style gestures.

In response, a spokesman for the elderly said, "terrible business, oooh yes....now, where did I put that artichoke...I could have sworn I had it just now when I was chatting to Dame Nelly Melba......lovely kneecaps she had, our Nelly...ooooh yes.......are we ready to move on Ypres yet Sarge??.....Where was I, ......oh crap, I've pissed meself....."


Love on y'all,



Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Crochet For Beginners!! With Blanche Librarian!!!

Howden-doody Swipesters!!

This week we are proud to introduce the first part of our exclusive Crochet For Beginners course brought to you by everybody's favourite Information Retrieval Assistant, the one and only Blanche Librarian!!



Thanks Bob.


Crochet has an undeserved reputation for dowdiness. When I first started work as a Saturday Assistant many, many years ago, it seemed as if everyone was wearing those cardies that look as if they had been made by stitching together






© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Elizabeth Sladen Week Update!!

Yo Swipesters,

As you'll no doubt be aware, this week is Elizabeth Sladen Week on The Robert Swipe Show and with the help of the great lady herself, we've been able to line up a simply astonishing competition for y'all!!



Liz has very kindly delved into her own collection of memorabilia and has given us two fantastic prizes that YOU could be the lucky winner of. Second prize is this handsome spider-shaped rucksack seen modelled by Liz herself:




But, nice as it is, I'm afraid that this wonderful example is simply knocked into the shade with a cocked hat by our first prize:



That's right! You could be the lucky owner of this fully accesorized, life size Sarah Jane Smith inflatable doll!!! In the interests of fairness, I took the opportunity of road testing this little beauty and - guess what? It's a top of the range baby, make no mistake!! There's barely any friction at all and you'll be astonished by how quickly the brandy-infused maple syrup and gondola wax just rubs right off!! Why, with only half a day's gentle buffing, I had her looking like she'd just come out of the box!!! And I've been stiff as a steel flagpole for the last 48 hours too, so you can throw away those erectile dysfunction manuals too, sister!

And, that's not all!! As a special treat, we'll be throwing in the highly collecable copy of the Koran and the limited edition golden rabbit skull in the picture for our lucky winner!! (You can't have too many of them around the house, can ya???)

And that's STILL not all!! The first three runners up drawn out of the hat will all get one of these:



That's right! You could be the proud owner of one slightly soiled photocopy of a gratuitous photo of Katy Manning!! (Don't worry, it's only semolina!!)


All you need to do is answer this one simple mutli-ple choise quwestion:

Elizabeth Sladen's first name is:

a) Bodmin-Moor

b) Sinsiter-Contusion-Angioplast

c) Elizabeth



Send your answers to the usual address and we'll read out the winners on Friday's show!!!!!!!



Good luck y'all!!!!



Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Film 2006.....

.....Miramax films....









in association with Shoot & Goal Magazine.....








.....with the participation of the Barbara Windsor for Mayoress of London Campaign....











.....proudly present.....





Matthew McConaughey......










as Malcolm Nutrition.....






......and Sarah Jessica Parker......











......as Rene Ullfailure......






in.....












a Bob Geldof film.......












FAILURE TO LUNCH......







........You'll believe a man can waste away after not eating anything for several weeks....



Love on y'all,




Bob








© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

My Favourite Vestibule...

This week.....



.......TV presenter and environmentalist Philippa Forester tells us why she never tires of the hallway of her South West London home....

"It's just got everything, really. It's the perfect entry to a home if you ask me and I just can't get over the way it sort of funnels you into the house. It leads neatly to the kitchen and the staircase leading to the upstairs bedrooms, but you can also take a sharp right into the living room as well, so it's kind of the main artery of the house if you like. There's a set of hooks by the door for hanging coats on and a sort of fender type thing that we put our muddy shoes on so they don't get mud all over the nice rug I put down over the stripped wooden floorboards, but otherwise I've kept the decor very simple, as you can see. You could always put some pictures or a dado rail up, I suppose, but for me it's always a case of 'less is more'. I particularly like to keep the wall surfaces free of all possible clutter, myself. It's the modern way after all and it makes it so much easier for me to rub my back up and down the walls when I'm wearing my Girl on a Motorcycle look trying to get the hubby to tear himself away from his 200,000 piece jigsaw of the forbidden city at night. Men and their bloody jigsaws, eh?"


Love on y'all,


Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Last Blonde.

This short story can now be read in the latest edition of Humdinger e-zine!!! Please check out the rest of this month's issue too....


Love on y'all,


Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises