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Wednesday, 5 April 2006

Blair Set to Announce Tough New Measures in Global War on Pensioners


PM Tony Blair is set to outline a drastic series of measures today to combat what he sees as the increasing threat to our security of radicalized senior citizens. The new hardline approach will add to procedures such as lifetime detainment already in place under the anti-ageing legislation recently introduced by the Home Secretary Charles Clarke. Under this additional and highly controversial legislation, old people can be held in secure units without trial and with no release date pending. There they are ritually humiliated - often forced to stand around gawping for hours on end like hypnotised guppies while their "carers" routinely flick cold porridge at them with a spoon and make "spazzo" faces at them behind their backs. In some cases, inmates have had their copies of Readers' Digest confiscated and been forced to watch that new Noel Edmunds programme in clear and deliberate contravention of the Geneva Convention. This tough new crackdown on detainees is expected to be extended soon to hospitals and day care centres where the elderly can be expected to wait hours on trolleys in cold and dank corridors once it has been established that their care will be too costly.

"You won't be smiling when we put you to sleep, dear...."

Defending the proposals, a passionate Blair declared "these people represent the very antithesis of everything we stand for. We stand for youth, vigour and continence, whereas these people can't even control their flaming bladders. Do you think they understand the value of a Tuscan holiday home, or the niceties of rustic Italian cooking? We must stand firm against all those who would see our nice new, shiny, crumbly PFI hospitals turned into mausoleums drenched in piss, shit and vomit. We will stand firm by our values - I mean, like, don't they know how much it costs to clean up all that mess? (Well, next to nothing, as we get terrified immigrants to do it for a few coppers, but you get my point...) Who's going to want to privatise that sickening pile of effluent full of morons?"

In a further cranking up of the pressure on the radical elderly, the Food Standards Agency will be implementing compulsory food supplements aimed at masking the occurence of vitamin B12 deficiency in old people. Under the guise of reducing the 4,000 or so incidents of Spina Bifida and other brain deficiencies common in early pregnancy by forcing all potential mothers (and everyone else)to consume the supplement, the government will attempt to undermine the health of the 150,000 or so elderly people at risk from the lack of B12 by making it impossible to detect that they are deficient in it. "If these people want to have a vitamin deficiency, they can go and do it in Iran, but not here!" said Mr. Blair, making odd gestapo-like heel clicking/fascist salute-style gestures.

In response, a spokesman for the elderly said, "terrible business, oooh, where did I put that artichoke...I could have sworn I had it just now when I was chatting to Dame Nelly Melba......lovely kneecaps she had, our Nelly...ooooh yes.......are we ready to move on Ypres yet Sarge??.....Where was I, ......oh crap, I've pissed meself....."

Love on y'all,


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