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Tuesday, 11 April 2006

The Return of Roberta Swipe's Entertainment USA!!

Yo Swipesters!!

On the eve of our 4th Annual Swipefest, we thought there could be no better time to reintroduce one of our most popular features of the last few years - Roberta Swipe's Entertainment USA!!

As many of you will know, Roberta

has been in the US for the last few months undergoing corrective surgery on her appalling boss-eyes. Unfortunately, the series of painful and expensive operations have failed to reorient her right eye, so it is still staring out at an angle of 45 degrees from the true centre. But all is not lost as we were able to contact Phil Oakey's old barber who has finally been able to do something about those atrocious split ends of hers!! (As you can see, he's also been able to camouflage her cross-eyes enough to allow us to let her out of the house without a bag over her head. The miracles of modern medical science!!)

So, before we jet off to our Carnegie Hall Convention, here's Roberta with all the news from the States!!

Over to you Roberta!!!

Thanks Bob - it's great to be back!!


Roberta Swipe here with all the week's stories from the good old US of A.

We start with news that 60s chanteuse and actress Jane Birkin is to host a brand new celebrity reality show that will screen over Easter. At a press conference in Paris, lovely Jane outlined details of the new format. The show will be set in woodlands outside Paris and will feature a group of C-list celebrities with nothing better to do. The celebrities will live on their wits, camping out in the treacherous Bois de Bologne for weeks, living on nuts and berries as they attempt to track down the gorgeous nymph who sprang to fame with her racy duet with Serge Gainsbourg on Je t'aime. "I'm really looking forward to the show, said a clearly delighted Jane, "and I can't wait to get shinnying up to my hiding place and watching those poor celebs rooting through the undergrowth in pursuit of me!"

The first episode of Birkin up the Wrong Tree will be broadcast on Easter Monday.

Worrying news for Canadian rockers Broken Social Scene. The populous Canadian group have been refused entry to the UK over emigration concerns that their management is describing as "blown out of all proportions". The 112 piece band whose current eponymous album is wowing critics on both sides of the Atlantic were due to perform a series of concerts in front of a an audience of twenty hand picked fans at a specially enlarged Royal Albert Hall. But the Home Office seems unlikely to budge after issuing this terse statement:

We are sadly unable to allow entry to these claimants. Britain is a small island and, whilst we are generally pleased to accept economic migrants from all of the world and value the marvellous contribution they make to our prosperity and culture, there is a fine line between being a welcoming host nation and being overrun by druggy bohemian types sponging off the state and getting our daughters up the duff. I've got nothing against them personally, but you want to see it 'round where I live - you can't move for 'em and they make no attempt to speak the language. Coming here with their intricately layered socially active power pop - send the buggers back I say. Bleedin' foreigners. Old Enoch wouldn't have stood for it....

The case continues this week...

That's all for now. See you again,



And we'll be hearing more from Roberta through the week as she brings us regular updates from The 4th Annual Robert Swipe Convention In the meantime....

See y'all next week!!

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

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