"Swipe Sparks Baggage Claim Chaos in New T5 Tribute Band Fiasco...

I'm sure you've all see the headlines already, but really, I can explain everything...

I was only at Heathrow in the first place due to a last minute change of plan. I'd been due to board the QE2 as per, off to New York for the first leg of the Serious MoonPig.com Tour (...."brought to you by Britain's favourite design-your-own electronic birthday card franchise...") when I get a call from my agent, Golda. They've cancelled our departure - something about desalinating the plughole.... - and the next one's not until next Thursday which would mean cancelling half the eastern seaboard. So I end up here, at Heathrow, in the dreaded new Terminal 5.

Of course, what Golda's omitted to mention is the fact that tomorrow marks the start of the 15th Annual Novelty Act and Tribute Band Convention in Seattle, so half of Europe's finest professional pop star impersonators have descended on the airport, to compound the already ridiculous level of chaos and confusion. I really need to ditch Golda and get a proper agent - the man's evidently a nincompoop, not to mention a very bad female impersonator. I mean, who wears a ruddy kaftan nowadays?

As we wait for a ticket to queue for the queue for our check-in, I get chatting with Pedro, Paulo y Maria (Andalucia's premier Peter, Paul & Mary soundalikes) when who should roll up, delicately tiptoing over the bodies of the fallen, but Lenny, the drummer from the Faux Fighters. You'd really think they'd try to get some of the dead ones out of the way, wouldn't you? Can we look after his stick bag while he goes off to stock up on duty free Blue Stratos? *Big* *mistake*. Before you can say 'Dread Zeppelin at the controls', the singer from By Jovi has got us minding his leather microphone glove and sunglasses flight case. Next thing you know, Glass of Shampagne (the top Netherlands Sailor facsimiles) have got us looking after their accordian and bogus Moet & Chandon Jeraboam prop. At least, I'm assuming that it isn't actually Sailor themselves who, having figured that there's more interest in a replica of a bunch of hopeless, two-hit wonder Eurodicks than for the real thing, have set up a band in tribute to themselves. Interesting ploy - must look into it...

While I'm pondering this, the one who plays James Honeyman-Scott in the Pretend Pretenders has dumped his extensive collection of Fender Telecasters (27 - Oh yes, I counted them...) on us while he goes of in search of a long life battery for his chorus pedal. Soon, the guitarist from Nott the Hoople's weighed in with half a dozen Les Pauls and I'm half expecting Hank Marvin the Paranoid Android to show up, treat us to a handful of his Shadows-style instrumental reworkings of Radiohead songs before lumbering us with his armoury of red and white stratocasters...

So, you can probably guess the resulting mayhem when they arrived at the festival - Sailor wannabes trying to start 'Girls Girls Girls' with a customised Gibson guitar and the Pretend Chrissie Hynde vamping along to 'Brass in Pocket' on a rather smelly leather glove and a pair of reactolites. But be fair, none of this would have happened if people would just take *two* *minutes* to label their baggage properly!


L.U.V. on y'all,

Bob

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