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Thursday, 5 October 2006

Boy With A Two Track Mind...

So, there I was, minding my own business, just changing the roll on one of the big, heavy camera-type things that they use on the sets of films - I work in the film industry, you see, which explains how I'm always getting off with actresses and make-up artistes and costume women and the like (sort of comes with the territory, like) - and next thing I know, this rather attractive Swedish actress bird's sidled up to me and is giving it all the big come on...."hello zere big boy...I vish you could be inserting zere zomezing *beeek* into *me* instead of zere camera-type zing..." you know, the usual cliches that horny, sex-mad Swedish birds come up with when they're trying to cop off with an assistant camera stud with a schlong the length of Hattie Jacques haunches after a marathon Battenburg binge. Well, you know how it is. I'd barely unzipped when she's writhing beneath me on the floor of the store cupboard where we keep all the empty film cannisters and that (well, it looks good doesn't it? It's all digital now, but a cardboard DVD slip on doesn't have the same romance as a tin with a few frames poking out....)"

.....nyer-a-ha...ha...ha geddid...ow...oh...oh...Bar-bee!!...ooooh...

You know, the usual. Well, cut a long story short, she's making such a racket down there that I start to lose concentration on the job in hand and my mind wonders on to the forthcoming England qualifier against Macedonia. Will Rooney rediscover his best form in time? Will Wright-Phillips get a chance to shine for his country now that Beckham is no longer hogging the right flank. Is McLaren the right man for the job. I mean it's all very well having had a good start - which he has - but will he be able to turn a game with a deft substitution when a major tournament reaches the knockout phase? You know the sort of thing.

So, where was I? Oh yes, I'm pumping away for what seems like hours when I suddenly remember that I forgot to post off the television licence. Which starts me wondering if they'll send the detector van round. You must have seen all those adverts with the threatening "we know where you live..." type voice over and do you know something? I've never seen one! Never met anyone who's ever been paid a call by them either. In all these years. It starts you to thinking, doesn't it? I mean do they even exist? It's like the tax office. I just got a demand in from the Tax Office (IHT section) for the remainder of the inheritence tax we owed them. We sent the revised estimate back in May and they've just sent us the adjusted calculation now - beginning of October. So that's 5 months to process one form. I mean, do they employ *any* staff at all in that place? It was the Belfast office. They're probably too busy bickering with each other to get any work done. You know - pass this to the arrogant fenian in the corner there would you? Bugger off you orange arsed wanker. Fisticuffs ensue. And who suffers? The taxpayer as always. 300 quid in interest it's cost us - just because a few Catholics and Protestants can't put the past behind them. Still, can't be much fun working in a workplace riven assunder by sectarian hatred and age old animosities, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm digressing. What was I talking about before? Oh, that's right - the spunky Swedish bird. Yeah, in the end, I must've banged for about 20 minutes before withdrawing and jizzing all over her tum. Nice one.

Well, beats working, doesn't it?

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  1. Mr Swipe, the sooner your right arm is back in working order,the better for the rest of us.

  2. What did you shout when you ejaculated?

    Enquiring minds want to know.

  3. Great post Bob. Ever thought of spinning it out into a whole blog?

    Some might say that all this 2-track-mind stuff was boring, repetitive and self-obsessed, but what do they know? Do any of them have a 6-figure-sum book deal?


  4. I know - you shouted "bacon sandwich Corky"?

  5. This is a frightening post, Bob.
    I reckon I might be thinking about England's chances this coming Saturday too.

  6. Temporarily over the nob-rot? Post useless without pix.

  7. "...all this 2-track-mind stuff was boring, repetitive and self-obsessed"

    Boring, repetitive and self-obsessed - moi???

    I nearly did spin it out into a whole blog Spin, but laziness got the better of me.

    Indolence has its virtues Spin...

  8. You still kept going even when thinking about Steve McLaren?

    I think he's the right man for agreeing to anything El Tel tells him.

  9. Bet you wish Alan Pardew was listening to El Tel, Geoff.

  10. Oooh you are a rudester Bob.

    Now please wash your hands.

  11. Och Bob,

    you know I didn't meant you.

  12. Strangely, the opposite happened to me today, I was studying the sports pages and pondering over 4-4-2, 5-3-2, 1-2-4-4, etc and my mind wandered into a swede's nether regions. It's a funny old world, innit.

  13. I have to admit I have missed your posts over the last couple of weeks. I just love your earthy way of putting things "jizzing all over her tum" now that paints a picture.

  14. so what was that all about with tv license and shit?

    it doesn't have the same twing to it when a boy described the 'jizzing' bit. too much porn and not enough subtlety. not erotic enough.

    you could also do without the DVD case and all, too geeky.

    is it real tho? is it?
    10 points and a bottle of milk for you.

  15. What a wonderfully sensitive piece of writing Robert!! And very courageous of you to expose your innermost feelings like that. Good luck with Sharon Osbourne.

    You go guy.

  16. You didn't tell me you were doing podcasts. I will listen to them while I draw. Most edifying, I'm sure.

  17. Docster,

    Amen to that!


    Saturday's bore draw would work better than baseball cards if you wanted to take your mind off the job in hand...

    "Och Bob,"

    Couldn't you just listen to Spinny Oching forever? In the kitchen, working her magic over a hot stove with the tattie bread...

    Curse the age gap. And the sectarian divide*


    Ro-Mo is bang on the money (well, what else is there to shout? "We love you Freddie??")

    "I have to admit I have missed your posts over the last couple of weeks."

    bb - You West Brom sweetie you!


    My hands? What about her tumster??


    Shazza hasn't invited me on yet, for some reason....

    Geoffster, Richard:

    Pardew - the thinking man's Glen Roeder? (Or is it the other way 'round??)

    " mind wandered into a swede's nether regions.."

    Howsey just *can't* get over losing Sven....

    " what was that all about with tv license and shit?"

    The clue's kind of in the title of the post, Treespottster - you know, like:

    "Boy with a TWO track mind"....

    Inconsequential is the artist formerly known as {minion} btw - or {min}consequential, as I shall insist upon calling him...

    "I will listen to them while I draw."

    He means as in with a pencil, folks - nothing to do with drugs - or "drucks Jimmy", if you were in Brookside...

    *.....and the cockrot...

  18. FAO Nick A: I tried listening to the Swipecasts while I wrote. I ended up writing a load of crap.

    Just like before.

    Hope this helps.

  19. I hope this is real.

    I really loved it, your ability to multi-task is such a thrill to me!

  20. I think there are TV detector vans. There used to be, as I remember seeing them occasionally. Though not recently.

    I don't believe that they actually did anything though, apart from driving around spreading fear and panic.

    I suppose that pretending to have a computer that accurately tracks all the licensing is the modern equivalent.

    Personally I don't know why they don't just junk-mail everyone. Or do they?

  21. "why they don't just junk-mail everyone. Or do they?"

    No Simon - your thinking of Svetlana - you know, "you vant me clean, wash dish, ine clothes babysat?"

    DA?? Call 01976 543 655

    If we've had one of her cards, we've had a thousand.

    She's a good little worker, mind...

  22. Thinking man's Roeder? Maybe. Trouble is there aren't any English managers who are thinking men.