Well, if you'd told me all those many months ago when I first posted up some inconsequential ramblings concerning Patrick Vieira's putative move to Real Madrid* that I would one day be reduced to this - to soliciting in these very pages for a good man, true of heart, stout of liver and supple of limb to soothe the tumultuous, heaving breast [steady! Overwrought Pre-Raphealite prose Ed.] of our beloved goddess of blog, The Divine Spinster....well, frankly, I'd never have believed you.
Sadly, things have, it seems, come to precisely that pass and there seems little option after reading this enormously candid and moving recent entry from the Spinster.
I know the more salacious among you have for some time now harboured fantasies that The Spinster and your humble servant might one day forge a union and unite our two formidable blog houses to form a nuptial alliance that would surely strike terror into the heart of the mainstream media (and Hello! magazine) Sadly, this can never be. Firstly, The Spinster, with a discernment rarely to be found in this era of dumbing down and instant gratification, has outlined a number of criteria - age, looks, lack of physical impairment etc. - many of which, unfortunately preclude me, a 58 year old calliper-bound Nikki Lauda lookalikey, from plighting my troth to Ulster's foremost singleton. As if these deficiencies were not enough, we also live in the shadow of heartless sectarianism - even if we wished to, we could never surmount the wall of bigotry and intolerance that separates me, an orange bastard killjoy proddy from the feckless spud-munching bead juggler of my dreams. And then there's the cockrot.
But fear not, this story will, I'm sure, end happily. If you happen to be (in no particular order of importance) male, aged between 25 and 40, not hairy, sentient, single, not too tall, not too short, handsome, into indie rock music (whatever that is), Catholic, literate, alcoholic, "liberal with a small l", a sexual gymnast of earth-shudderingly wonderful proportions, living within easy access of Bristol, please contact me here at:
Bob's Lonely Hearts
Please enclose a cheque/postal order for £15.00 and a passport sized photo. (And make sure it's of someone reasonably fit or you'll have no chance...picky? You betcha!)
* he didn't leave Arsenal that summer, as it goes.
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