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Wednesday, 4 October 2006

A Communication Has Been Received...*

Dear John**,

I have been a regular reader of your column since last year, when you first began to post insinuating and importuning pieces concerning me vis-a-vis the possibility of my procuring for you a variety of pornographic materials featuring my good self variously attired in the uniforms of several branches of the emergency services. Much as I was initially amused by this novel (although scarcely effective) attempt to increase the traffic passing though your (supposedly) humourous webblog, the joke has now worn *very* *very* thin indeed and I have had no recourse - especially as you now seem to have taken to observing a rather pathetic and ignoble round the clock vigil outside my plush Knightsbridge residence - but to seek legal advice.

I know it must be difficult for you, what with the rotting cock and the mildewed calliper - but *please* stop pestering me. I have a very busy (not to mention unpleasant - do you think I *enjoy* working 15 hours a day on dreck like Deuce Bigalow 2: *Not* Just a Gigolo??? Give me a new series of Teachers anyday...) schedule at the moment. And what of my husband and small infants - don't they have a right to leave the safety of their own home without seeing you waving your diseased and pestilent member in their faces whilst mouthing a stream of Drambuie-based alcopop-fuelled obscenities at them? It really has to stop, immediately. They are starting to enjoy it. Especially Miranda. She's six, Bob, for fuck's sake.

I'm a reasonable woman. I am prepared to make concessions if it will stop the living *hell* that you and your bizarre peccadillos have forced me to endure. Will this do??

So kindly move your pathetic protest elsewhere or I will have no option but to apply for an exclusion order.

Yours sincerely,

Zoe Telford (the actress.)


* © Brian Damage, R.I.P.

** it's *that* sort of letter, is it?

*** also © Brian Damage, R.I.P.

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  1. I had to google her to remind me and I got a picture of Bo Diddley and one of Stephen Fry. Is there something you're not telling us Bob?

  2. Stephen has very shapely pins, don't you think Richard?

    Not sure about the leather mini-skirt, mind....

  3. Ha ha, Sultry Celina.

    You're bang to rights.

  4. ....I've been duped, Geoffster....

    It was definitely Zoe I googled...

    So that's Bo Diddley, Stephen Fry and Sultry Celina now. No wonder I've been reduced to camping outside her house in the hope of a pervy piccy or two. Google's bloody useless!!