...well, this is starting to realise a long cherished ambition of mine* - I've always thought the comments were funnier than the posts (especially other people's on mine)....and now, here we are - The Comments Are The Post...**
I was rather hoping that La-di-da-Grauniad-Column-Writing-Gunner-Footman would have picked up on my Situationist-style inversion of the classical blog form - you know, beneath the pavement the beach/above the blog, the comments - sort of thing.....but he's obviously too busy having a real life.
Well, look on the bright side - at least there's less of my pointless whittering on this one...
* ...and starting to look like a very sad Record Breakers style attempt to become the longest blog post in history. Do you think it'd get me on the telly?
** Yes, I know - it's all set up for some clever swot to come up with a Post-Comments Are The Post movement...but let me carry on deluding myself I'm with the avant garde for a moment, wouldya??
To recap, I'd asked people to post me comments in a Bob Swipe stylee.....
So, here are the Swipesters whose comments could be making history as we speak:
I know who I-Pimp-For-Hobbits is...
Walk away Stray, while you still can.....
OK i'm crap at this. I don't think I could do a whole post. The only thing I can think to say is
Well they've done it those *cunts* they've sacked the manager, i mean what do we do now....
I hope that will do I know it's very rushed but i'm off on holiday tomorrow and what with my dad deciding to have a heart attack (albiet a mild one) a couple of weeks back i'm really not sure whether i'm on my arse or my elbow here. I did however manage to get your * little stars* in along with the c word, that should merit at least a point for trying
Best yet BB. After Mollsters. And Dick's. And Betty's....
(I'm too honest for my own good - that's my trouble. But if a point will help you in your quest for a return to the Premiership.....it would be mean not to award one, wouldn't it?
Seriously, I hope your Dad's OK. And enjoy the hols...
Hi Bob. That Billy seems like a nice fellow - you wouldn't happen to have his phone number would you?
Honestly, I don't know where she gets it from - you wouldn't find *me* getting up to stuff like that!
It would be virtually impossible to get *all* the Bobster-That-Is-The-Swipester-That-Is-The Bobster style tics and idiosyncracies in, surely?
Even a Swipe-pissed-at-one-in-the-morning comment with all the typos in would be beyond me. So it looks as if I'll have to be "purged" with syrup and figs then.
Oh, alright, I can't do a whole post but I can bung in an old standby ...
"I'm speechless! You conniving, randy, bogus, oriental old queen! Your record sleeves are better than your songs!"
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etc, etc ... anything to escape from being purged ...
.....she knows me so well...
What about bringing back Roberta?
Typical bloke, Billster - and I thought you were different but you're cosi fan tutti after all...
Quite a post. Keep 'em coming and here's to the next 500.
I think I'll be stuck on this one for a wee while yet, Leighton. btw - are you and Ceridewn Devi distinct, autonomous individuals - or am I missing summat? Thanks anyway - however many of you there are....
I just can't do it anymore....no seriously....I really mean it this time. This is it. I'm not kidding. It's taking up too much of my life. It's affecting my work, my family, my friends. I'm not eating properly, the dog isn't getting any excercise and I get funny looks from the neighbours. So it is with great regret that I am obliged to pull, finally and irrevocably the old cyber plug. Sorry folks but it has to be done. No more. Finito. Bye...love y'all ... feel free to comment... Bob
Are you sure I didn't mail that to you Dickster??
He then hit me with this:
Oh so I'm a plagiarist now am I? I keep records you know. It may be loosely based on an e-mail I got from some bloke called John who purported to be going up the wall what with being under-appreciated and all. Very embarassing so I deleted it smartish. Dick
John???? Shurely shome mishtake....before obscurely adding:
Motown. Smokey, Marvin and the Funk Brothers.
Yep, James Jamerson, Earl van Dyke, Benjy Benjamin et al.....Cripes that rum's strong....
....then, filled with remorse for giving the game away in a GWAOTM stylee:
Just joking Robert. I have to type quick before the warden gets back. Dick.
It's OK, Dickster - I can live with the truth. Was the Funk Brothers thing your way of asking me to cast some Motown?? A terrible admission, I'll admit. I'm onto it...
....and then, after expressing *even* more remorse:
Jamerson only ever used one finger you know.
Yes. He referred to it as "The Hook", apparently Dickster.
(apologies for missing this and posting a later post first, Richard...)
It's just not working, is it. I thought as much. I gave it my best shot but there comes a time in real life that you realise that (maybe, just maybe) your mum and dad weren't trying to fuck you up and that (maybe, just maybe) their suggestion of a career in quantity surveying was best.
So that's it then. Bobcast 732 will be the final one. I've given up the audio; the novel is being shelved and the rubber gear's going back as we found that was the cause of the nob-rot. No more Cuntiad, it's the Express for me from now on. No more fretting over reads or wondering if the producer from the Archers is reading and is going to give me that break. The Bobster's off to night school in Roehampton to learn to count. Numbers are truth. I tried, I really tried but the words have fucked me up.
Right, farewell Swipesters...
Ropehampton? Well, it's only down the road, I suppose....
Oh yes, well done on the 500 thing.
Cheers Rich. (I think he means the posts, folks - I'm not *that* old....)
I can't do it, Bob - either the Bobalike post or the Podcast. I'm just happy to be part of the gang after so many years of isolation and I don't want to be kicked out for a lack of application. I don't want to be the first of the gang to die, like silly old Hector.
Just listened to the cod cast which has inspired me to do a Judge Dredd post. Much maligned, Judge Dredd, but did you know he was a big influence on the Rude Bude Rudeboy label, the filthy Cornish rival to Two Tone? Jethro's Big Portion album would have been massive if it wasn't for Red Wedge.
Well Geoff, all I can say is you've never been in love until you've seen the stars reflected in the reservoirs, obviously...
Looking forward to the Dread post - a request? A Rude Bude Rudeboy post too - I am in complete ignorance and it sounnds fascinating...
Your contribution is fine as it is Geoffster, as always. Shame about the cast - I reckon it would have been fab...
What the world needs now is a chance to hear Kenny Lynch's marvelous cover of Misery. Maybe then we stand a chance of understanding our fellow man and living together in peace and harmony. That HAS to be the reason that the Lynchster recorded it doesn't it? I certainly cant't think of any other purpose behind it. The man is a diplomatic genius, have you ever seen him and Kofi Annan in the same room at the same time? Thought not. Hmmmmmm, makes you wonder...
Regards and Rrrreinemachefrau,
In honour of my old benefactor, I'll put it on the next Bobcast, Mr. H. - that or Bernie Cribbins doing When I'm 64....
....in fact....I feel a themed cast coming on.....
..all of which evidently put the fear of God into the handsome young Boulevardier:
"i feel a themed bobcast coming on". omigod, what have i done?!?!
As Geoff will no doubt attest, heavy is the heart that has inspired a Bobcast - just thank your lucky stars* it's a Beatles covers one, and not cod bleeding reggae....
*Vince Hill, e.g.
I don't mind being purged, Bob...no, *really* I don't.
It can't be any worse than having to read about Ziggy Woodblum's groopie stories.
Click here to subscribe to my own ego.
Has Ziggy published his sex romp kiss and tell memoirs then? That's handy - we need a new doorstop...
...and then the Bobcast requests started rolling in:
Bob - if you're gonna do a themed Beatles covers podcast thing, don't forget to include "Tomorrow Never Knows" by Living Colour.
Dave Gregory did a fantastic spot on cover of "Strawberry Fields Forever", which is nearly indistinquishable from the original.
I don't know: not satisfied with stealing all me listeners - now he wants to *sequence* the bloody thing....
I'll have to download it Istster the Twister The Hasta la Vista (sorry folks, I just love saying that...) as I don't have any Living Colour albums, for my sins...CSM was a big fan, wasn't he? Anything else you'd like? Peter & Gordon? Ike Hayes 2 hour version of 'Something'?
sorry 'bout the non contributo, didn't have a bloody clue mate! couldn't think of anything witty to say, just to let you know....I hope to be sending an mp3 your way sometime tonight..hope it works? JDA...
OOOOOHHHHH!! An MP3!!! Cheers Jifster!
Also, gave me an excuse to link you at last - huzzah!!
I'll listen to a Jifcast asap - just not been able to get on the laptop this week.
Bob how could anyone ever impersonate you? You are an original, a one off, a veritable receptacle of uniqueness, I wouldn't dare to try (plus I'm probably not barmy enough)...does going phwoarrr Heathster count?
Obviously not as far as The Heathster is concerned. She doesn't write, she doesn't phone....You got the cheque alright, I see...
Might work for you though Jools. I will try to listen to your pooh wotsit thingy tonight - sorry I haven't already. The laptop and I are "on a break..."
Oh yes!! There's a nastiness and meanness of spirit here I could *never* hope to match, but a sterling effort nonetheless K.!!!
How can I ever thank you?
K. then compounded the insult thus:
"Rrrreinemachefrau" - I love it when I hear an obscure comic reference from someone I've never met!
Swipemeister, this is the funniest post you've had in a good while. Does that tell you anything?
Yes, K. It tells me you're a cunt. And that Howesey is not only better looking than me, but also funnier than I am. Tell me - short of suicide - what do I have to do to crawl out from under his shadder???
And her suitboot dress)
Here is my Bob-post for your blog Bobster:
Well I'd like to say that all of my fifteen readers are commenting up posts for my 500th post..but the bastards are all over the place, plotting to steal computers and well..that is just *not* right. They'll be hopping off to The Grauniad next.
I'd have hoped that Tanya Beckett could have legged it over here in her leathers but she's gone off with Sophie for some mayonnaise licking sessions in the toilets. Well, what I'd *pay* to see that.
Meanwhile, back at ver Swipe lodge, I was drinking my Buie Breezers when I thought..I know..I'll do a Podcast. I'll play Roxy and then I'll play The Shangri-la la las. That might get Sophie and Tanya up from their mayonnaise splattered orgy and over here for some good old salad cream induced rioting. Phwoarrrr!
And then I sat back in my arm-chair. I reached for my Martin Amis. I sipped my Breezer and Twickenham fine ale. I planned my next meeting with RoMo in the BHF with her tights round her ankles. I thought, oh bugger to Tanya and Sophie...there are much better things on offer.
I wondered what you would buy me for my 500th Podcast. Would it be a signed photograph of Shriver? Or just a packet of Sophie's stained Marigolds. Well...you know...I do like a bit of the old washing up now and then. Shriver can do my dishes any time.
Well...after all that...I think I'll go and have a veggie tikka. 'Scuse the tummy rumbles. I have terrible indigestion. Love on ya! Bobsterxxx
Subscribe to the Robert Swipe show here.
(Love always, Mollyxxx)
Then, aroused by the thought of a leatherclad Tanya Beckett....:
This is just the best ever post. I love it. Wonderful stuff. I might have to *steal* the idea!!! Damn...I'm not supposed to be coming back...I might *have* to just to steal this wonderful idea. Wonderful...truly wonderful. Can I say wonderful again? Really...can I? Oh good. Wonderful.
Seriously...the comments on this are brilliant aren't they? Just shows how everyone loves you so much.
Can we have another post about Tanya Beckett as well please? C'mon...you must be able to dig out more pics. You must have a veritable feast of a folder somewhere on your computer. Look...I tell you what...if you do a Tanya Beckett post and can find her wearing leathers...I'll most definitely do a *come* back....ok?
To quote Jarvis Cocker, Molls - "I'll see what I can do..."
Bob - working on it - just to let you know have finally gotten around to sticking stuff up on recovered notebook. Laters xx
Atta girl! (Readers: note the Swipe-esque plug for the Recovered notebook site...shame she forgot to put the link in...)
....then defended the link ommission thus:
Er..Bob - that's because I don't actually know how to make links within comments. I know! I have the wherewithall to work out how to poohpod but I can't do something as menial as putting a link into a comment box. Is it because I is weird like?
(walks away 'buie breezer abandone to the gutter outside the BHF shop and tights snagging round the ankles).
You all think I'm joking about the tights...
And then she had a proper go:
Hello Bob Swipe here again me old mucky muckers. Just thought I'd drop another shameless plug for the Julie Christie lookalike has-been that is the Moster of all things Roster. She's finally managed to pull herself away from the 13th Breezer of the day and hoick up the tights. Mind you - I prefer them round the ankles meself - phwoarr - yes - *I would*. Anyway, the cock is still rotting and the calliper's giving me gip as usual but nothing like a good 'Buie Breezer Twicky Ale cockrot-tail won't cure. I'm settling in for a Morrison's salmon paste sandwich and a good old foray through The Romo For Real 7* - apparently she's done a track especially for Geoffster. Not 'alf - *I would*. Anyway don't forget to
click to itunes for more Bobcast now available!
click here for regular 'Buie rubs
click here for more rotting cocks and
most of all click here for more shameless plugs for Bob!
Love on ya kidders!
* Note to readers:- *I* added the link. She may be the Janice Long of the Podcast, but Ro-Mo knows feck all about self-promotion. I don't know - you try to give 'em a start, but *do* they listen?
.....but then this happened:
You'll be pleased to know that someone just googled "tanya beckett stockings" and arrived at the comments section of my blog. I'm sure they were bitterly disappointed the perverts!
Disappointed, Ro-Mo? I was *well* fecking gutted!!!
"Meanwhile, to my female readers, I definately would! Especially Spins and Heather.
Thanks for that, 'Docster - I'm glad *one* of my female readers has such good taste!!
(Read the complete post here.....)
Realdoc, Molly and Betty - these are the BEST COMMENTS EVER.
(I am not clever (or drunk) enough to join in.)
Spinny gets me just perfectly, doesn't she? Apart from the sobriety, obviously....
Hello, I'm still too drunk to be making sensiblish comments on Comment is Free, but not nearly drunk enough to BE Bob.
Or even Roberta.
Anyhow, did you put that wrack/rack mistake in just to goad me??
No, I just can't spell Spin. Nerveracking, aren't I?
I was browsing in the BHF shop the other day and was delighted to find a mint first edition of Charlie George's autobiography All Spurs Fans Are Gay And Smelly.
It made me so happy, I almost forgot the seeping mulch of ghastliness that is my cock.
That Clare Balding, eh? I would.
To which the Basra Basher responded:
Yes. Whatever happened to Charlie George?
He used to run the Arsenal Museum, BB - not sure what he's doing now...
Then Tim got all serious and bloody well got published in the Grauniad, ferchrissakes - has he *no* shame?????
Hi. I'm Robert Swipe. I'm In The Mood Again.
(A few Elvis Costello minutes later...)
There's a bit of a theme to Bobcast 200 today because (..slurp...) 'scuse me, the throat's been a bit sore lately, (...cough...) think I've a cold coming on and the heating's a bit dodgy in Swipe Towers but anyway, I was on my way home from retrieving a great haul from that charity shop I mentioned once, I think the Mollster was envious at all my finds even though ha, ha ha I haven't got round to reading most of them, anyway I was thinking about how many times I've threatened to stop blogging but still get drawn back to it and you know how it is..when, when (higher pitch now) you've been trying to avoid another Bowie bobcast or the Stones, I thought maybe I'd have a Bobcast about leaving home, or maybe coming home i'm not sure which it's turned out to be actually but anyway, here's a great song, i think it might even have two titles, Naive Melody or Home, This Must Be The Place, anyway, to all you who keep reading, the Talking Heads..."
Cheers W. If I hadn't been incapacitated and incapable of typing such a long sentence (RSI...) I'd have sworn it really *was* me...
I'm the funny one!
Love on y'all and thanks for reading,
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