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Thursday, 1 March 2007

The Ever Popular Tortured Artist Effect...

It is torture though, even if the "ever-popular" bit is ironic. I don't know, maybe I'm just one of those driven people - driven by the knowledge that happiness is unattainable or just plain *incapable* of being happy for long - but it just seems like one step forward and two back at the moment. Why can't I just be *happy* about the really nice things that a small, but slowly expanding, group of people are consistently saying about my work? It should be enough - especially as I have realised recently that it's much better to try to build up an audience more patiently, sharing a rapport with them, discussing the work/life in general/building these weird cyber-relationshiops we now all seem to have instead of RSIing myself into a thousand ignored emails/comments/bulletins etc. It should be enough, but it isn't, if I'm honest.

I dunno, maybe you need that sort of thing to keep striving, to fuel the work, stretch the rubber band that will catapault you....where, exactly? Fame? Awards? Success? Or perhaps, as Eliot wouyld have it, a different kind of failure...?

Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholy new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it.
And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate,
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion.

"A raid on the inarticulate". Yep, that sounds about right.

Perhaps it's the nature of the beast, to be dissatisfied with one's lot, to yearn for more and feel short changed even by the sincerest, most wonderfully heartfelt praise and encouragement.

"What makes most people happy leads us headlong into harm..."

It's just that it feels like a curse at times

L.U.V. on y'all,


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