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Wednesday, 14 March 2007

Ross Vows To Match British Public Pound For Pound in Great Comic Relief Showdown...



"Wuvvabuw Television Pwesentew", Jonathan Ross (pictured above with Celtic boss, Gordon Strachan) has stunned BBC charity Czars by announcing that he intends to match the pledges made by Friday night's Comic Relief viewers "pound for pound". "That's wight", lisped the well remunerated Ross at a specially convened press conference aboard his luxury ocean going liner moored off his secluded private island in the Caribbean. "I may be one of the most well wemunewated stars in the Televisual fiwmament, but it doesn't stop me believing that gwobal inequality is a tewwibew, tewwibew thing. I want to do my utmost to Wedistwibute a little bit of that wealth in the only way I know how....That's why I'll be digging deep into my handsomely stocked pockets and matching whatevew the gweat Bwitish public stumps up. Pwovided they don't cough up mowe than 18 million smackewoonies, I'll be laughing all the way to the Leeds what with all that voice ovew wowk I can expect to genewate fwom my high pwofile hosting of the pwestigious evening's festivities..."

But the genial host's altruism has brought harsh criticism from some quarters. A spokesman for BT said

BT is suppowting Comic Welief [the spokesman also has an unfortunate speech impediment, as it goes...] thwough its diwectowy enquiwy sewvice, 118 500. Fow evewy call made to 118 500 between 28 Febwuawy and 13 Mawch, BT will donate five pence, up to £250,000 When callews dial 118 500 they will be gweeted by famous voices, of Lenny Henwy and Alistaiw McGowan, Wobbie Wobewtson and Rudolph the Wed Nosed Weindeew [sorry, I couldn't resist that last one...] Calls cost 15p pew minute. Connection chawge is 40p fwom a BT landline. Othew netwowks' availability and chawges may vawy. So that means we get 10p fwom all the calls those mugs awe making, *on top* of the pwofit we cweam off all the calls the idiots make when they pledge donations. How dawe Woss make us look like the money gwabbing bastawds we awe by giving his weadies away so libewally...I'm suwe the banks awen't too happy eithew - although stuff what they think. If it wasn't fow them, thewe wouldn't be any thiwd wowld povewty in the fiwst place..

Terry Wogan and Jeremy Paxman were unavailable for comment.



L.U.V. on y'all,

Bob

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© 2007 Swipe Enterprises

12 comments:

  1. I'm sure Jonathan Ross' wife would take offence that you called her Gordon Strachan!

    Then again, maybe Gordon wouldn't mind being mistaken for Jono's wife - she is a bit of a hottie.

    Careful when you cut and paste ;)

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  2. I nominate your "Ferry Aid" post for Deep Sea Troubled Diva's idea.

    Priceless, Bob, priceless...

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  3. I fear you'd be in a minority there Istster....but thanks for the thought.

    To be fair, the "Eno Surprise early leader in New Tory Leader Poll Shock" post is probably better, but I can't remember when I did it. It's in the Best of Bob Swipe book you'll be receiving if/when we ever meet up...

    I think Betty has already surmised, correctly, that they go for a slightly better *class* of post than that on offer here over at Crumpled Divan...

    L.U.V. on ya,

    Bob

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  4. Has Jonathan's wife smuggled a baby's bottom in on the front of her dress?

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  5. If I'm in the book it's "80% of the profits for Comic Relief".

    If I'm not, it's "20% of the profits for Lulu. What the fuck has she done without riding on the shirttails of Take That over the last 75 years?"

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  6. Are you sure it was just the shirt-tails she was riding on there, Geoff??

    L.U.V. on ya,

    Bob

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  7. Just cut and pasted this (carefully, obviously) from the comment I left on Frank Sidebotham's myspace...

    "Hello Frank - or as Jonathan Ross would say, Fur-wank. (He's a fundamentally rude man, if you ask me - but that's his look out...)

    Anyroad, hope you are fine and dandy and all geared up for Comic Relief. I think it's long overdue that we started to look after the struggling comedians of this country, instead of giving all that money to Africans and mental people.

    Doesn't Stephen Fry deserve a decent roof over his head, the occasional trip to play with the donkeys at Bridlington and a government subsidised six figure cocaine habit as much as the next man?

    I should cocoa.

    So, give generously. And don't spend it all at once, Frank - it'll be another year before the next one, so *please* go easy on the toot....(;?)"

    L.U.V. on ya,

    Bob

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  8. Do you think that Paul Ross was only put on this earth to make Jonathan look bearable.

    Mrs R, meanwhile, seems to be in possession of three big tits.

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  9. If so Tim, how far has he succeeded?

    Discuss...(;?)

    Your next book, perhaps?

    L.U.V. on ya,

    Bob

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  10. hilarious!
    you're killin me here!

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  11. Most amusing. I laughed out loud. Top post!

    ReplyDelete