Wednesday, 14 March 2007
"Wuvvabuw Television Pwesentew", Jonathan Ross (pictured above with Celtic boss, Gordon Strachan) has stunned BBC charity Czars by announcing that he intends to match the pledges made by Friday night's Comic Relief viewers "pound for pound". "That's wight", lisped the well remunerated Ross at a specially convened press conference aboard his luxury ocean going liner moored off his secluded private island in the Caribbean. "I may be one of the most well wemunewated stars in the Televisual fiwmament, but it doesn't stop me believing that gwobal inequality is a tewwibew, tewwibew thing. I want to do my utmost to Wedistwibute a little bit of that wealth in the only way I know how....That's why I'll be digging deep into my handsomely stocked pockets and matching whatevew the gweat Bwitish public stumps up. Pwovided they don't cough up mowe than 18 million smackewoonies, I'll be laughing all the way to the Leeds what with all that voice ovew wowk I can expect to genewate fwom my high pwofile hosting of the pwestigious evening's festivities..."
But the genial host's altruism has brought harsh criticism from some quarters. A spokesman for BT said
BT is suppowting Comic Welief [the spokesman also has an unfortunate speech impediment, as it goes...] thwough its diwectowy enquiwy sewvice, 118 500. Fow evewy call made to 118 500 between 28 Febwuawy and 13 Mawch, BT will donate five pence, up to £250,000 When callews dial 118 500 they will be gweeted by famous voices, of Lenny Henwy and Alistaiw McGowan, Wobbie Wobewtson and Rudolph the Wed Nosed Weindeew [sorry, I couldn't resist that last one...] Calls cost 15p pew minute. Connection chawge is 40p fwom a BT landline. Othew netwowks' availability and chawges may vawy. So that means we get 10p fwom all the calls those mugs awe making, *on top* of the pwofit we cweam off all the calls the idiots make when they pledge donations. How dawe Woss make us look like the money gwabbing bastawds we awe by giving his weadies away so libewally...I'm suwe the banks awen't too happy eithew - although stuff what they think. If it wasn't fow them, thewe wouldn't be any thiwd wowld povewty in the fiwst place..
Terry Wogan and Jeremy Paxman were unavailable for comment.
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Labels: Comic Relief-arseness of, Comic Relief-hypocrisy of, Good old fashioned speech impediment-derived humour