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Wednesday, 7 March 2007

Reid Unveils Draconian New Text Policy to Curb Influx of Foreigners...

Home Secretary John Reid today revealed the government's plans to stem the enormous tide of people entering the country illegally in order to provide cheap, non-unionised labour for the large supermarket chains who bankroll the Labour party. The new tough stance is aimed at making life "uncomfortable" for those entrants who fail to "play by the rules"*. In a controversial and, let's be frank here, laughable move, the Home Office plans to use text alerts, initially as reminders to people as to when it's time for them to leave the country, which rapidly escalate into messages that are little more than abusive instructions for those outstaying their welcome to, in the Home Secretary's own phrase, "do one".

Reid produced his own mobile phone to display some examples of the new alerts:

'Ere, Abdul. Are you aware that the rucksack you are carrying has been filled with explosives by other members of the sleeper cell you are a part of and is about to detonate, killing hundreds of innocent proper British people.

it goes on,

Instead of packing your bags with explosives, do us all a favour, eh? - JUST PACK YOUR BAGS!

P.S. Would you mind forwarding this to the other 25 lads in the cell please - we've only got 200 free texts and we're not made of money you know...

Another alert reads as follows:

Oi! Slant Eyes/Rubber Lips/Pikey [delete as appropriate] Please leave the country at once. You are not welcome here. If you decide to ignore this request, we will have no option but to deport you - unless of course you are an innocent Brazilian electrician, in which case we will probably shoot you repeatedly in the head as you try to board a tube train...

The new approach has come under heavy fire from the opposition. The tories claim the new policy does not go far enough at all and are demanding the setting up of a round the clock abusive call centre, based in India, obviously, from which illegal aliens will be told in no uncertain terms to bog off...

In an unrelated development, John Reid has been declared as suffering from bipolarity.

L.U.V. on y'all,


* e.g. they fail to give the Labour party sufficient amounts of money in exchange for honours...

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  1. Isn't it a total outrage and invasion of privacy? And you can bet they will get muddled and send wrong people texts by mistake causing much distress and consequent ridicule. I think we should march as an entire country to the court of European Civil Rights and demand that democracy and not dictatorship (because that is what's happening) be re-instated to this country immediately. What the fuck is going on? It's bad enough that people like the Inland Revenue call you up 24 hours after you are meant to have handed our tax bill to hassle you. And the banks are just as bad. Gaaargghhhh.

  2. I know it's not funny but I have to laugh at the idea of a dedicated team in Bangalore sending out the text messages...then fielding the complaints! It would make a great TV show.

  3. Headline in today's Evening Standard:

    "Tories in black bastard row", I think that's what it said.

    You couldn't make it up.