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Friday, 2 March 2007

Nouveau Cockney Rhyming Slang...

Obviously since I recently came into an obscene amount of money after having bumped hem...tragically witnessed the unexpected demise of my entire family in a completely unpremeditated golf cart explosion tragedy, it would be foolish of me, not to mention hypocrital in the extreme, to keep trading on my working class, 'ever-so-'umble' background and upbringing. Such blatant two-facedness aside, I still like to consider myself - impending global stardom and Premium Bonds notwithstanding - if not entirely plebeian, then certainly still very much in touch with my less vaunted and unpromising roots. The pearly suit and the cockles and winkles may have given way to Oswald Boateng and Braised Shitake in a Compot of Truffle and Oyster on a bed of Lychees, (although, to be fair, if you've ever had to dress up for an awards ceremony in Braised Shitake in a Compot of Truffle and Oyster on a bed of Lychees on a chilly night only to have a plate of Oswald Boateng laid before you, you'd probably end up wishing you'd stuck with the cockles and winkles and the pearly suit...) but just as with other eminent oiks made good - David Bowie, Bryan Ferry, Keith Allen, Linda Robson - beneath the suave, debonair exterior of us pillars of the cognecenti lies an unwashed, ill-bred guttersnipe with the table manners of a haemorrhoidal baboon on heat.

So, in order to retain some sort of connection with my poverty-bitten, ASBOed-up, Tennents Super-swilling audience, I thought I'd give you rabble some tips on how to update the coarse and unruly rhyming slang you use in what passes for communication with your fellow troglodytes as you bellow across the studio of the Jeremy Kyle Show before adopting a defensive arms-crossed posture, when not proferring impenetrable 'talk-to-the-hand' gestures, so that you might pass as vaguely tolerable members of the upper lower working underclass. It might not sound much, but it beats living in a cardboard box swilling Olde English from a plastic meths container. Apparently.

I'll keep this brief and simple as I know how difficult it is for you to retain even the most basic and elementary piece of information for longer than a few seconds ("How many times? The intelligence failures were precisely that. We in no way trumped the whole thing up to give us a pretext to do something we'd already committed to doing months before..")

Lesson 1:

You'll be familiar, au naturel, with the basic principles of Rhyming Slang - words are used in combination to create an unrelated verbal image which has the distinction of rhyming with the subject: e.g. 'apples and pears' = stairs; 'Barnet Fair' = hair & c. Iain Cuthbertson...(erm...damn it, why is there *never* an easy one to hand when you need it?)

The more sophisticated Nouveau Cockney applies the same techniques, only displaying her/his elan by way of more complex and socially coded subjects/rhymes which do not, however, preclude the faecal and infantile which is all we should really expect from those at the bottom of the social pile. So, for instance:

Richard Widmark = Skidmark

Penelope Pitstop = Shitstop

Billy Bunter = Fat Ugly Munter

Don deLillo = Biter of the Pillow

George Chisholm = Jism

Unbearable Lightness of Being = Peeing/Weeing*

Next week: Going to the Dogs: The Investment Brokers' Guide to Greyhound Racing....

L.U.V. on y'all,


* sorry, had to be done - searches for 'wee' score very highly on my google hits.

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  1. Donna Tartt - Fart
    'Cor have you just dropped a Donna?!'

    Evelyn Waugh - Score
    'Lend us an Evelyn' (double jockney)

    James Joyce - voice
    'I've lost my James Joyce'
    (Can be substituted for Max (Boyce))

    Roddy Doyle - Kitchen Foil
    'Pass me the Roddy will you love I need to cook up'?

    Harper Lee - Knee
    'Ooh me Harper's giving me a bit of gip'

    Jonathan Coe - Slow
    Poor thing, he never did very well at school - he's a bit 'Jonathan'

    Arundhati Roy - Coy
    'Oh stop being so Arundhati about everything!'

    Irvine Welsh - Felch
    'I do anal but I don't do Irvine's'

    Anne Frank - Wank
    'I'm just going off for an Anne Frank'

    I'll leave it there - 5 mins of stream of consciousness thought enough methinks.

    Luv on ya Kidder x

  2. Excellent!

    (You should be writing this really...have you got a few hours a day free? I can't pay you anything, mind....)

    Did anyone manage to get the podcast? Switchbitchcodpodsod was playing up, I think....)

    L.U.V. on ya,


  3. Haven't tried cuntslitbitchpod yet - been in ebay hell x