Grim reading in this morning's Britisher Grauniad. Education Minstrel and Opus Dei sect Catholic mentalist, Reeeeeeeuuuggghhth Kelly is urging the cabinet to approve a plan which would see Celebrity chef and irritating advertaholic, Jamie Oliver banned from British schools. Oliver's offensive anti-crap food campiagn has seen many schools taking extreme action to improve the diet of their obscenely obese and perpetually hoodied pupils - sometimes even going so far as cooking fresh food instead of reheating the slug-infested slops from the beginning of term for the four hundred and fiftieth time. Worse still, Oliver's terrorist tactics and general rebel-rousing have led many schools, fearful of reprisals from the amiable cockney chef, to consider removing the vending machines and gambling facilities they provide for their drug-crazed, zombie-like pupils. Whilst many concede the obvious health benefits of these moves, there are worries that removing valuable sources of revenue such as cigarette machines, off-licences, drugs, fruit machines, firearms sales, protection money scams and other forms of racketeering, schools will soon be unable to afford to provide teachers and equipment to distract their collosally disgusting charges from the orgy of crime and gluttony that makes up the bulk of their school day.
In a strongly worded statement to the Labour Party Conference, Reeeeuuuuggghth Kelly will today spell out the government's position in the strongest possible fashion: "When I was at school, nobody would speak to me because I was a puritanical swot who always had her head in a book and was so scared of not getting ahead in the outside world that I completely neglected the fun aspects of school. Because of this, I will be using my current position of power to revenge myself upon future generations of schoolkids in an act of ghastly projection and infantile mean spiritedness. Besides, if they're that desperate to have a good time, they should go to the boozer like everybody else. They'll be open all hours for all-day binge drinking soon enough. Although they won't be able to smoke there, obviously."
Among other areas expected to become subject to outright bans are: British Bulldog, giving people the 'bumps', dousing the heads of first years in the lavatory bowl, putting live fish down the y-fronts of the weakest child in the form, daubing red paint onto cotton wool and putting it in girly's handbags so they'll think someone's lobbed a tammy in there and gang warfare involving knives and small firearms. Sweet eating and swapping bubblegum cards will lead to instant dismissal from schools whilst there will be banning orders for hopscotch, kiss chase and stomping around the playground in a huge line chanting "who wants to play, WWWWAAAAA-AAAARRRRR? for hours on end.
Keep up the good work Reeeeeeuuuuuughth!
Love on y'all,