Friday, 23 September 2005
FBI files released today suggest that, despite the attention lavished on him by the Security Services in the 70's, British actor and drunken arse, Oliver Reed was never a threat to the US. The previously top secret files, made public now for the first time thanks to American Freedom of Information legislation, reveal the late British star to have been frequently incapacitated by alcohol, often in a state of drooling, supine, vomit encrusted inertia - hardly the sort of threat to US hegemony and the world order that he was often painted as being by his enemies in the agencies.
British socialist, Tariq Ali confirmed the findings. "We at Red Mole were always trying to get Ollie to be more involved in the class struggle, but to no avail. We'd hand him some leaflets and send him off to engage the proletariat only for him to dart into the first pub he came across and start chivvying the locals into a yard of ale competition. Four days later he'd turn up with a bag full of soggy leaflets, reeking of vodka and covered in vomit and excrement. He was bloody hopeless!"
In further revelations, the CIA has admitted that it suspected Marilyn Monroe to have been a card carrying communist. There were also suspicions that extravagent pianist and family entertainer, Liberace, may have been homosexual.