News reaches us here of a high quality new BBC reality format set to follow in the footsteps of the hugely successful Strictly Come Dancing in the coveted early evening slot on Saturday nights. The new show will follow 10 celebrities as they battle it out to earn the most money plying their trade as high-class call girls, gigolos, lapdancers and adult chatline operatives in Strictly on the Game!!! The bookies have already installed actress Tara Fitzgerald as the favourite to scoop up the coveted award but host Bruce Forsyth warned viewers to "expect the unexpected" from a strong field of contestants including Ainsley Harriet, Bob Carolgees, Fiona Phillips and Scarlet Johansson.
"It's going to be a fantastic show! It's got everything - seedy backroom sex, pole dancing, lights, music, glamour and sexually transmitted diseases. Oh and yoghurt - lots of yoghurt! I will be in my element and I've been dusting down some of my old catchphrases - I can't wait to tell Fiona 'didn't she do well!' I just hope we don't run out of navvies for her half way through... Obviously the punters won't need to play their cards right, just discreetly hand over a bundle of untraceable bank notes before retiring to a darkened room for 5 minutes - although, obviously you probably will get something for a pair on this show - most probably a two way stretch or a dose of the clap. And each week we'll be keeping tabs on the number of clients our resident professional pimps have been able to secure for our amateur sex professionals. So when I yell, "let's have a look at the old Score Board, you'll know exactly what I'm on about. Ooh look at the muck in here - hang on, that's not mine. And who's Everard?? What's up with this auto-cue, Tess?"
Brucie & Tess: "How much?"
Each week, the celebrities will be groomed by professionals from the criminal underworld - although Simon Cowell declined to take part in the show as he is too busy counting the money he made from several million retards ringing up to vote for talentless mingers on the X-Factor. Each week the contestants will try their hand at a different aspect of the sex trade and will be judged according to the amount that they earn from their punters. Although classy actress Tara is expected to do well in the high class hooker event where she will be able to entertain clients for extraordinary sums at a Pall Mall residence, insiders are quietly confident that Fiona Phillips, whose prowess at the brisk twenty note knee-trembler in the alley by the Bingo Hall is legendary, may give her a run for her money. Dawn French has also been tipped to excel in the phone sex round which she will take part in from a specially adjusted booth. Producers are confident that the new format with its solid cash-equals-points scoring system will avoid the controversy that marred the final of Strictly Come Dancing. Millions of viewers were astonished when athlete Colin Jackson, whose grace, style and athleticism on the dancefloor had led some to believe he had the talent to dance professionally, was beaten in the viewers' vote by cricketer Darren Gough dancing with all the flair and fluidity of one of those calipered child collection boxes you used to see on street corners.
Scarlet woman: "just leave it on the side and get out...."
Forsyth's co-presenter Tess Daly was equally enthusiastic. "I can't wait for the first show. As a treat I've managed to wangle my hubby Vernon a spot as one of the punters. Well, I never have a moment's peace with him always pawing away at me while I'm practicing tie-dye or upholstering the settee so I'm just hoping Fiona can keep him tied up long enough for me to finish crocheting him a cardie for next Christmas..."
Strictly on the Game hits our screens in the new year...
Love on y'all,