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Saturday, 31 December 2005

Holy Shit!!!!

Howdy Swipesters!!!!

Regular readers will know that it is not our policy here at Swipe Towers to follow trends. We like to think we are an innovative and original force in web publishing and so we tend not to just leap on any old bandwagon trying to up our site meter reading in the hope that some global publishing giant (...or a scantily-clad Rowan Pelling for that matter) will notice our humble efforts and decide to shower us with moolah (...or preferably a bizarre baby lotion/Drambuie concoction in the case of a scantily clad Rowan Pelling...)

Rowan struggles with her deck chair: "...please Ro, will you just get a move on with the bizarre baby lotion/Drambuie concoction before this thing subsides...??"

But every now and then, a site will explode upon our consciousness with all the force of a new star and we will concede that, however fine and joymaking our own carefully hewn product might be, there is probably more chance of us fleecing a few suckers of their hard earned sponds by apeing an otherwise inferior design, purely because it has caught the imagination of the web-browser at large more than our much-neglected little gem. (Although, in the case of Belle de Jour, it was also a bloody good excuse to post up piccies of a scantily-clad Rowan Pelling about to administer a a liberal coating of a bizarre baby lotion/Drambuie concoction under the dubious pretext of satire - but that's by the Bygraves...)

"Ro - will you put the dang bow and arrows down and get with the baby lotion/Drambuie....???"

Our more discerning readers will already be aware that just such a web-nebula has begun to illuminate the firmament of the world wide inter-wotsit. Holy Moly has been putting us to shame in the readership stakes (just check out our site meter and then add a few noughts on the end to get some idea of how well the bastards are doing). But we here at Swipe Towers are not bitter (....angry, hurt and disillusioned, yes. But not bitter...) and we feel that in some ways the success of Holy Moly can only be a good thing for us. Well, it's poorly written, full of puerile one-note gags aiming for the lowest common denominator, so there has to be hope for us too. And besides, we have the upper hand in the piccies of scantily-clad Rowan Pellings about to administer a bizarre concoction...etc. etc. stakes.... (although, admittedly, the more eagle-eyed among you will have realised that it isn't really Ro and that we pinched them from the guys at anyhow...)

So, as a tribute to the success of Holy Moly, we tender for your delectation and delight a well-intentioned spoof of that august and noble (blah-di blah-di blah...get on with it, for Christ's sake...)


Cant's Corner

Each week, we hurl some completely unfunny and unwarranted invective in the general direction of one of Britain's best-loved children's TV presenters in the hope of squeezing some laughs out of a few thousand doped-up students who will then rush out and buy our silly book by the million so that their friends won't think they're clueless and inept:

I wish this severe fanny batter stain on humanity, Brian Cant, would just fuck off back to the hole he came from. You may have been shocking in the 70s but my nan is more extreme than you now, you speccy, has-been, retarded slat wipe.

You clueless Cant. Perhaps if you spend less time worrying about getting it mentioned in the papers your programme might start actually making some decent films again rather than a couple a year. Cant!

Next week: Kant's Corner! Your chance to hear us telling philosopher Immanuel Kant what we think of his Critique of Pure Reason - and in no uncertain terms!!

Save our Tenpole!!

Each week, we ask you to send in your ideas as to how the blazes we can resurrect the TV career of former Sex Pistols sidekick and descendent of Henry VIII, Eddie 'Tenpole' Tudor. Here are some of the really hilarious suggestions you came up with, presumably whilst you were having portions of your brain removed. In collaboraion with a global publishing giant (...or a scantily-clad Rowan Pelling), we will be gathering your pathetic contributions together in a hastily assembled cash-in book that you can buy now for a ridiculous price before giving it to your local charity shop where it will languish unbought at 25p for the rest of eternity.

Tenpole of the Bailey: Eddie plays a fat, avuncular barrister who is always going on about "she who must be obeyed" and prosecuting people and that.

Ten-pole to pole: Eddie attempts to recreate Michael Palin's epic demi-navigation - only this time actually reaching the other pole that gave the series its name...

News at Ten-pole: "...and on a lighter note, police investigating the murder of a a lovable cartoon baby deer are asking: "who killed Bam-beh??"

Tenpole-ice five: "...and remember: keep 'em peeled!"

Tenpole-dark: Epic period costume drama set amongst the tin mines of Cornwall and Angharad Rees' titties.

Angharad: "..go easy with the Drambuie, Ross. We be down to our last 5 bottles..."

The Holy Shit Personality Test!!

You can click on the link if you like, but I'm sure you can guess what will come up when you click on the button to start the test. If it's any consolation, it said I was one too - but not a big enough one to buy any of the merchandise that the site exists to flog off....

More Holy Shit when we can be arsed to see what new juvenile tosswank they've come up with (...if any...)

Love on y'all,


(...for more of the wonderful Elvgren illustrations and assorted retro raunch, visit

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