Great news concerning this year's Swipe Show Christmas appeal. Pop icon and celebrity host with the most, Sir Elton John has pledged to raise funds to bring relief to this year's chosen Charity. This is great news for our campaign to help ease the suffering of the impoverished presenters of Channel 4's teenage music programme, T4 Popworld. Regular readers will know that, despite their apparently glamorous occupation, presenters Miquita Oliver and Simon Amstell are living in desperate poverty . Beneath the extravagent facade of their 24-hour party people lifestyles the pair have, in reality, barely two pennies to rub together and are often reduced to petty squabbling and undignified wrestling bouts over the crumbling remnants of Tesco economy biscuits and discarded dog ends in the abandoned council home in North London where they have been squatting for the past 18 months. We would normally shy away from using graphic images to emotionally blackmail you into donating sackfuls of cash which we would then siphon off into high interest accounts in collusion with our partners in the world of high finance, but this year the situation has become so bad that we feel we have no other option. These shocking images brought to you courtesy of our friends at TartyDoris.com reveal the terrible truth of life on the breadline this Christmas for two innocent T4 hosts. Some viewers may find them disturbing.
At first glance, the pair look like any normal adolescents being paid in excess of 4 figures a week to provide harmless banter between shockingly trite videos and interviews with self-obsessed RADA dropouts who have decided to become 'pop stars'. But a closer look reveals the harsh realities of life for these desperate, desperate people. Notice how Simon's hair lends him the demeanor of someone who has been dragged through a hedge backwards. For many, such an appearance would be the sign of a calculated fashion statement aimed at cultivating a particularly 'grunge-y' look, but in this case, it is quite literally true. Simon has not been able to afford a comb since his family deserted him, escaping the dehumanising poverty of the Home Counties on foot to seek a better life in South Africa, where they now own several thousand acres spread over prime wine-yielding land and have lucrative investments in the local goldmines. One of the few benefits brought by our otherwise harsh and unforgiving British winter is the multitude of leafless hedges it brings and through which Simon can drag himself through backwards in order to bring some semblance of order to his otherwise chaotic locks. Simon's clothes were all bought secondhand from charity shops and he is now so poor that he was not even able to haggle a discount at the FARA Romaninan Orphans Shop to buy the burgundy sweater that would have matched his skin tones and instead had to settle for this lurid lime green, unfit even for the local golf course. But however bad things are for Simon, worse still is the plight of his co-presenter. Miquita was recently forced to go on air wearing a pair of badly laddered tights (see close up below)
and a Primark buy 1 get 17 free t-shirt made from the flimsiest cotton sewn together in sweatshops by disadvantaged Korean children who can expect to earn less in 5,000 lifetimes than the radiant young television gets for a two minute link slot between the latest McFly video and an advertisement for KFC. Even more disturbingly still, as our close up shows, Miquita, herself barely old enough to work legally in the first place and reduced to using remaindered children's crayon in place of proper adult mascara, has been sent out before the cameras with no skirt on at all! Relief workers fear that the desperate teenager is ripe for expoitation by the Channel's budding sex industries - possibly as the subject of scantily clad calendars, premium rate saucy chatlines or so-called satirical weblogs publishing close-ups of her exposed lower portions. The world waits on in hope.
But all is not lost. There is just such a glimmer of hope at hand in the shape of a rotund and bewigged old pop singer. Elton John has pledged to donate the royalties from a re-recording of his 80s hit Nikita to aid the poverty-striken duo. "I hate to see anyone worrying about where the next armful of CDs is coming from or having to decide whether to eat or buy a ridiculously ostentatious floral display with which to decorate the shitter - especially at this time of year. But when they're fellow troupers, it really brings it home to you how exceedingly rich and pampered one's own life is. Thank Christ!" The knight and eminent poove has cut a re-worded version of his classic cold war-era ballad asking, "Hey, Miquita, are you cold? With those holes in your tights letting in a heck of a draft....". Badly rhymed and seemingly cobbled together in 5 minutes, the rest of the song is equally awful, but please buy it anyway as it is all in a good cause after all, and we are hoping that we'll be able to get an Ipod for the office with the interest on your donations. Please give generously and thank you for your time.
To order your copy of 'Miquita' and receive more information on how with your help we can bring about a brighter future for other young people in need, write to Miquita Oliver Scantily-clad Calendar Appeal, Swipe Towers, Rothergavenny, Llan Ambwlans, Welsh Wales, or give us your credit card details and pin number and we will have "Miquita" call you back and thank you personally in her own inimitable way.
Love on y'all,