We here at Swipe Towers are just over the moon with delight at the news that our gorgeous Entertainment U.S.A. correspondent Roberta Swipe
has been invited to take part in the BBC's new reality TV format. The channel is launching the new reality game show as a rival to ITV's extraordinarily successful I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!!, and it is hoped that the perils of the urban jungle will prove as popular with viewers as creepy crawly showers and crocodile-infested pools have.
Photo deleted at subject's request
Roberta will join z-list bloggers Fancyclown, Attila Girl, Tim Worstal, and 10 other even less well-known people as they endure the hardships and deprivations of life on a council sink estate in Tower Hamlets. There the contestants taking part in I'm a Non-entity Blogger, Get Me Out Of Here!!! will be forced to live on shit frozen food, leftover KFC, cheapo 25 pack Royals cigarettes and own-brand super strength lager. Each day, one of the participants will be chosen by the viewers to complete a difficult and draining task, such as going down to the vandalised newsagents kiosk to buy a copy of the Sun newspaper without being mugged or rumbled by the DSS for one of the numerous benefit frauds they are almost certainly committing. Or terrorising children in prams with an aggressive Staffordshire bull terrier whilst dousing themselves in lighter fluid and setting fire to themselves. Then, later in the evening, the results will be announced as to which of the non-entities is to take part in the following day's Bush Toker Trial. This involves the chosen contestant fare dodging their way to Shepherds Bush, entering a broken-down house where an eleven year old child will sell them a preposterous amount of home-grown Senismilia weed which they will then consume before making their way back to the 'camp', oblivious to the trail of anti-social behaviour, vandalism and vomit they are leaving in their wake.
Roberta's home for the next 4 weeks...
Roberta expressed her delight at being asked to take part in the show. "I'm delighted to have been asked to take part in the show", said a clearly delighted Roberta. "It's a really exciting project and I'm sure my years as a cheap clip- joint hooker with a 4 figure a week crack cocaine habit to sustain will stand me in good stead when the competition reaches its gruelling final stages", said Roberta picking at the sores on her arms and swigging from a litre and half plastic bottle of Olde Englishe cider. "I just hope that David Cameron doesn't change his mind and decide to take part after all!!!"
Roberta Swipe: "...don't you give me that, Beyonce - I see you nick my crack pipe!!!!"
Roberta will be giving us regular updates throughout her time on the show, usually by screaming obscenities at us through the letterbox if we call 'round to ask her politely if she could perhaps see her way to stop letting her bloody kids soil themselves on our doorstep.
Good luck Roberta - you knock 'em dead, lady!!
Love on y'all,