Saturday, 31 December 2005
the diary of a london tuneful indie-pop band from scotland....
Visited a friend and went for a walk. Friend's Dog-on-wheels came, too. The dog-on-wheels is a he and has a rakish one-ear-up, one-ear-down sort of look and one of the front wheels is a bit wonky, which gives it a sort of mechanised-lame-dog-on-wheels aspect. The dog-on-wheels gets all the ladies.
But in spite of his dog's-dog-on-wheels, low maintenance, un-M.O.T.d appearance, this pup has needs that mark him out as a little more metrosexual than you might expect. Such as scratching requirements. This is a dog-on-wheels that will push its bum into your face and demand to be scratched there, often, because it's the one place he can't reach - well, have you ever tried scratching your arse or your bollocks when you have wheels instead of paws?
So, we're walking/wheeling around the pond on a balmy afternoon, the sort you think summer was expressly made for. Ducks and a few honking geese, other people and other dogs - all of them on wheels - (well, the dogs are on wheels, but not the people - that would just be silly....) children playing in the fields and so on. Sir Dog-on-wheels is let off the leash for a few, wheels as far from us as he can, then begins a little wheel-generated dance: three circles clockwise, three anti-clockwise, have a poo and kick the grass over it - got his own shit all over the wheels, the dirty, stupid little prat-on-wheels! It's a level of fussiness about his toilet that is, frankly, unbecoming in a male - although I've seen worse behaviour from certain former cabinet ministers who shall remain nameless. Still, I suppose he did have an excuse, being blind and that.....
We hook the lead back on and round the pond. A child comes up to us, a boy, maybe twelve. His hair is long and he's wearing a t-shirt that reads Ha Ha Ha. Not on wheels, as far as I can ascertain. 'Can I pet the dog-on-wheels?' he asks.
And the kid, he goes straight for the spot. The bum spot. Sir Dog-on-wheels is digging it in the extreme. 'You love that, don't you?' he asks the dog-on-wheels. 'My dog-on-wheels loves that too.'
As we go on our way, the kid yells after us. 'Don't do it too much, though, or he'll start to demaaaand it!' Which, of course, the dog-on-wheels already does - and for some reason I am reminded of the blind former cabinet minister who shall remain nameless. 'He'll start wheeling up to you and sticking his bum in your face!' And the kid sticks out his own bottom, and sort of wags it.
(Sorry about the lack of smut in today's post - I just haven't been getting any recently and have taken to fantasising about bizarre trolley-bottomed dogs having a pooh to get my rocks off. Still, needs must, I suppose.....now, where did I leave that jar of gentleman's relish??)
Belle & Sebastian's new single, Dog on Wheels is released on Thursday...
// posted by belle & sebastian @ 6:00 PM
Love on y'all,